The recent story in The Sunday Times that car parks in Malta and Gozo are to be privatised made me smile. Does this mean the guys who hang around parked vehicles waiting for a hand-out – for ostensibly doing nothing to earn one – are soon going to be able to charge whatever they like for this non-service? Interesting.

Recreational area, including smokers’ paradise and children’s playground

And it made me wonder just what a series of privately owned car parks will look like and how they’ll encourage us to park our vehicles in their establishment rather than in a rival’s area.

I’m all for initiative and enterprise, but I reckon there are rather too many jobsworths among the parker community for the scheme to prosper. But for those with just a little resourcefulness, I wish them well.

Maybe they’ll advertise their ‘services’ on Facebook, on TV or in the print media. Might the following be the sort of thing we’ll start seeing in our daily newspapers?

Visit Leli’s Lot

For the best parking service in Ħas-Siġar; plus the following extras:

FREE: Windscreen wiping.
FREE: Cheery greeting.
FREE: Occasional smile.
FREE: Wifi.
FREE: One day’s free parking with every 365 you buy.

Plus: Take advantage of our amazing special offers: Best prices to visit our on-site WC. Special rates for coaches. Special rates for car wash and valeting services. Special rates for park and ride into the village core. Refreshments available at best prices.

Smooth tarmac surface over two-thirds of the lot. Guaranteed local-warden hassle free. Pet and child friendly – (As long as neither is actually driving).

Moderate charges to use our all-weather luxury parking annex, equipped with extra-large parking bays, helipad and 24/7 CCTV (It’s even switched on... sometimes).

Recreational area, including smokers’ paradise and children’s playground (enclosed with electric fence). And – especially for the kiddies... bouncy castle, balloon sculpture, pony rides and face painting – weekends only.

We make sure no flyers will be stuck under your wipers. If you forget to tip the parker when you leave, we guarantee that your tyres won’t be let down next time you park here.

Join our Christmas club!

But it isn’t just the facilities that should be used to encourage the punters to park in a particular lot. There are other ways of selling the place.

How about:

Park your vehicle in Charlie’s Convivial Car Park (Est 2012)

Make Charlie’s Convivial Car-park the destination of choice for your horseless carriage. Satisfaction guaranteed. Enjoy the friendly, efficient service of Doris – or your personal parker of choice.

Three minutes from the centre of the village. Only two minutes from the sea. Five minutes from the Neolithic burger bar. Handily sited for the shop. Just around the corner from the Friend to None bar. Out of earshot of the local hunters. Special discounts at the local Burger Queen for all users of Charlie’s Convivial Car-park.

Nearest car park to the internationally famous (and notorious) local museum of stuffed birds. Almost overlooking the local boċċi ‘stadium’ (Malta champions 1847, ’53 and ’61). Within a short sniff of the village’s sewage processing plant attraction. Only a few kilometres from the nearest lightly-potholed road. Ideally sited for the local brothel.

Testimonials:

“Cool parking lot, cool dudes, cool location.” (Angela Merkel)

“Who said chivalry was dead?” (Genghis Khan)

“I couldn’t have stuck my Ferrari in a better place.” (Che Guevara)

“Aesthetically and topographically, I found it quintessentially baroque and nascently reminiscent of a beautifully restored and diligently maintained Renaissance Piazza.” (Wayne Rooney)

“Cheap at half the price.” (Bill Gates)

“Surely one of the 70 wonders of the modern world.” (George Pullicino)

“Truly a life-enhancing experience.” (Nelson Mandela)

“Architectural perfection is a parking lot.” (Renzo Piano)

“Absolute heaven darlings... Tasteful but never tarty.” (Mike Tyson)

I never thought I’d write this but... maybe we’re better off as we are.