Looking a gift-horse in the mouth...

“Are you going to be buried in that laptop all evening?”

I think it shows serious ingratitude to put all or most of the gifts you were given for Christmas on eBay

“Probably.”

“But why, for God’s sake?”

“I’m putting some more of my unwanted Christmas presents on eBay.”

“I didn’t know you had any unwanted Christmas presents.”

“Oh yes.”

“How many?”

“Most of them.”

“For instance?”

“This naff anorak in pink PVC.”

“That’s a Palermo FC anorak... and you support Palermo.”

“I do yes, but I wouldn’t be seen dead in a bright pink anorak anywhere... especially Palermo.”

“And I take it you haven’t sold it yet.”

“Give it a chance, I’ve only just put it up for bids.”

“My Aunty Grace gave you that.”

“And what does she know about football?”

“She knows you like Palermo. What else have you put on there?”

“Last night I put on that ghastly tie the girls at the office gave me.”

“Did you sell it?”

“Not yet, but I’ve had one very tempting bid from a circus clown in Malaga, Spain.”

“I thought it was quite a nice tie.”

“I’ve, erm... I’ve also put up for bids the mini-gymnasium.”

“But I gave you that .”

“And for the life of me I can’t understand why.”

“Obviously to try to get you to exercise a little.”

“OK, I’ll agree we’ve only been married for 18 years, so you probably don’t know me that well. But when have I ever given you the slightest hint that I would want to exercise... even – as you put it – a little?”

“I was rather hoping you would use it to help you slim down a bit and maybe... you know – get fit.”

“Sweetheart, I am a 50-something typical Maltese man, which means short, fat and terminally unfit. And... I’m not going to change now.”

“Besides I’ve already got one or two substantial bids on it.”

“Hmm. Let me see what else you’ve put up for bids.”

“Be my guest.”

“Oh no, you’re not selling that very expensive power tool which does everything from ­sawing logs to drilling holes, are you?”

“I sure am.”

“But your brother Joe gave you that.”

“Brother Joe is a DIY freak; I have to consult a manual to change a light bulb. Sweetheart, I am to DIY what Norman Lowell is to black power.”

“And all these boxed-set DVDs... There’s some here I might like to see... Pride and Prejudice, for example.”

“Fine, all you gotta do is put in your bid. The higher it is – the more chance you’ve got of getting it.”

“I’m not going to fork out money for one of your Christmas gifts, just take it off there and – if you don’t want it – give it to me.”

“No way, it was given to me, so I think I’m entitled to dispose of it as I deem fit.”

“You miserable... and all these other brand new DVDs, including a pristine boxed set of Simpatiċi. Why are you putting that on eBay?”

“Have you ever seen Simpatiċi?”

“Erm, once, yes... briefly.”

“I rest my case. Why don’t people ever give me what I really, really want?”

“What’s that?”

“Money... lots of it.”

“And what’s this here?”

“Hmm?”

“What are all these new toiletries doing on eBay? I gave you some of that stuff.”

“Oh yeah, right, um...”

“There’s some really expensive stuff there... colognes, aftershave, moisturiser...”

“Yeah, and I need moisturiser like I need a sulphuric acid enema. What I wash in is... water. That’s all the moisturiser I need, Sweetie.”

“Well I’m sorry but I think it shows serious ingratitude to put all or most of the gifts you were given for Christmas on eBay... especially since the one gift you should have put on there is very conspicuous by its absence.”

“Oh – and what’s that then?”

“That disgusting inflatable Angelina Jolie doll you mysteriously acquired.”

“No mystery about it – I told you – some of the guys at the golf club gave it to me as a joke.”

“Last time you told it... they were guys from the office.”

“Yeah well... some guys... I forget exactly...”

“Now you know what you have to do, don’t you?”

“What?”

“Take everything on there off eBay... and instead put the doll thing on there, then you can eat and sleep with me again.”

“How can I resist that offer. ­Consider it done.”