The local football scene was staggered recently when it was announced to the world (All of it, not just the football world) that a consortium led by Russian multi-billionaire oligarch Sergei Bollokkoff has bought 11th tier Maltese football club Bidnija Blackjacks.
What’s good enough for Gudja will be better at Bidnija
In a hastily convened news conference, a spokesman for Mr Bollokkoff stated: “We intend to make Bidnija Blackjacks the biggest club – not just in Malta but in Europe, then possibly even the world. Forget Roman Abramovich’s Chelsea, Manchester City’s Sheikh Mansoor, Paris Saint-Germain’s Qatari owners... Bidnija Blackjacks is the big one. Well, why not? If Gudja can have a Perez, why can’t Bidnija have a Bollokkoff?
The spokesman confirmed that his boss, Mr Bollokkoff would be investing millions, maybe even billions in the club, in the very near future. In answer to a local sports journalist’s question as to which players the new owner intended to sign, the spokesman replied: “Listen, nobody is off limits. We intend to get only the very best in world football and – I can confirm that Mr Bollokkoff’s holding company, The Moscow State Laundry, has already tendered a seven-figure bid for the player acknowledged to be the greatest in the world... Pele!”
Among other potential targets for this ambitious consortium are Paolo Maldini, Alfredo Distefano and Bobby Moore. The spokesman added: “If this doesn’t confirm that we mean business, then I don’t know what does.”
But a top-class playing staff is nothing without premier coaches, physios and managers. And it is here that Ms Bollokkoff has managed a master stroke. On the premise that nothing but the best is good enough for his new club, the Russian has persuaded the greatest manager of all time to come out of retirement to coach the Blackjacks.
Yes, from August 1, the new man at the helm will be none other than Sir Alex Ferguson. And he doesn’t come cheap, so along with his seven-figure salary, plus use of a top-of-the range villa – with Jacuzzi and gas-fired barbecue, mindful of Sir Alex’s love of the gee gees, he will also receive a half share in a champion trotter at the Marsa.
The spokesman also stated that Mr Bollokkoff intends to construct a state-of-the-art stadium to hold 150,000 spectators in the environs of Bidnija itself. It may mean bulldozing a few villas and farmhouses. But hey, progress is progress, right?
And along with the all-new stadium, to be named the Valentina Stadium, after Mr Bollokkoff’s late great aunt, the new owner is already negotiating with local land owners, with the intention of constructing a training facility that will surpass even Manchester United’s Carrington training complex.
Of course, football today extends far in excess of 22 men hoofing a ball around a field; marketing is now a vital revenue garnering tool in the game. So the Bollokkoff consortium is deep in consultation with his own PR company on the issue of both shirt sponsorship (a lucrative deal with the Moscow mafia is near to completion) and the marketing of Bidnija Blackjacks replica kit, in their unique pattern of black shirts with white polka-dots.
Also on the promotion front, the club’s directors are a long way down the road to signing a deal with Super One TV to televise all the club’s matches. As the illustrious Mr B is wont to say: “What’s good enough for Gudja will be better at Bidnija”.
Of course, the club will be paying its playing staff huge sums of money to turn out for the Blackjacks. And as we all know, a platinum-plated group of players brings with it an equally high maintenance set of WAGS... or as Mr B prefers to refer to his players’ ladies... BAGS (Bidnija Wives and Girlfriends). Which bodes well for Malta’s upmarket bling boutiques.
But no matter how grand his intentions, it seems there are still a handful of doubters who question both Mr Bollokkoff’s intentions and credentials.
So let it be known that Mr Bollokkoff’s footballing pedigree is exemplary. He is – for instance – the second cousin, twice removed, of no less a football club owning mogul than Yevgeny Bustagutt, the outright owner and chairman of Siberian super-club Dinamo Omsk. The dynasty continues.
So look out Malta’s Premier League... the Russians are coming.