Go on, admit it, you’ve grown to like our little annual tradition.
Every year I lay down my predictions for the coming season, every year I get something (a lot of things) horribly wrong and every year you delight in rubbing it in my face.
Well I’m not going to let such trivial things as accuracy, common sense and an appalling track record spoil my fun. So here you go…
Arsenal
If I had made these predictions at the beginning of summer, then I would have been a lot more positive about Arsenal’s chances of challenging for the title. Back then, the club sounded serious about investing to put them back among the elite.
But the new season is here and the club have not spent a penny on players, and instead have wasted all their efforts trying to prise the black sheep of English football away from Anfield. In fact, a total of 17 players have left the Emirates and only one unproven kid has come in. For free.
It doesn’t matter how Arsene Wenger tries to dress this up, it can only be regarded as abject failure. If the transfer inactivity continues to the end of August and the club has a bad start to the season, then the natives will get restless. In fact, there may well be an ugly revolt.
Key player: Jack Wilshere
Final position: 4th
Aston Villa
For long stretches of last season, Aston Villa were everyone’s favourites to get relegated as their young team often looked like rabbits caught in the headlights. But thanks to a few gutsy performances when it really mattered, they scrambled to safety.
A lot of that was to do with Christian Benteke’s goals, and the fact that manager Paul Lambert persuaded the Belgian to sign a new contract at Villa Park is key to their chances of surviving this season. If he goes off the boil or gets injured, it’s hard to see where their goals are going to come from.
A lot rests on the young lad’s shoulders. Will he crack under pressure? Don’t think so.
Key player: Christian Benteke
Final position: 14th
Cardiff City
Last season, Cardiff City finally achieved promotion to the Premier League after more near misses than Andy Cole. The question now is whether or not it will turn out to have been worth all the effort.
The other Welsh club in the top flight, Swansea, took to the Premier League like a duck to water. But it will undoubtedly prove tougher for Cardiff to do the same with a manager who is very much a Premiership virgin.
They have the players and the backing to survive though. Just about.
Key player: Craig Bellamy
Final position: 17th
Chelsea
The special one may have rebranded himself as the happy one for his second stint at Stamford Bridge, but you can bet your bottom rouble that his managerial style has not changed one bit.
He will still ruffle feathers wherever he goes, he will still play mind games with his opponents and he will still instil an ‘us against the world’ siege mentality in his players. Why? Because it has proved exceptionally effective at winning things.
This season I fully expect José Mourinho to snatch the league title away from the city of Manchester. His main opponents are in transition and he will be only too happy to take advantage of that situation as only he knows how.
Key player: Frank Lampard
Final position: 1st
Crystal Palace
The best thing about Crystal Palace being back in the top flight is that Ian Holloway comes as part of the package. The former Blackpool manager is sheer joy to have around, always speaking his mind and saying things as he sees them.
Not only that but he is also a pretty shrewd coach who likes his teams to play proper football.
However, proper football or not, the club just don’t have the resources needed to survive and I can’t see them doing anything other than fighting a season-long battle against the drop that they will ultimately lose. But with Holloway in charge they will go down kicking, screaming and smothered in tasty sound bites.
Key player: Dwight Gayle
Final position: 20th
Everton
If David Moyes has a hard act to follow at Manchester United, then Roberto Martinez is in pretty much the same boat at Everton.
I’m still not comfortable with the idea of a manager who relegates a team being rewarded with a move to a bigger club. But Everton obviously saw something in the Spaniard that they believe fits their football philosophy.
I’m not going to let such trivial things as accuracy, common sense and an appalling track record spoil my fun
Plus he would have been cheap. Having said that, Martinez obviously has better resources to work with at his new club, so I would not expect them to come close to suffering Wigan Athletic’s fate.
Key player: Marouane Fellaini
Final position: 12th
Fulham
Now that long-term owner Mohammed Al Fayed has sold the club to Shahid Khan it is the beginning of a new era for Fulham. But as we have seen with other clubs, new owners are not a guarantee of success. It can go horribly wrong too (just ask Portsmouth fans how wrong it can go).
Either way, I think the routine of mid-table mediocrity will be broken this season, and it just remains to be seen whether it is replaced by a push towards the top or a slump towards the bottom. I suspect the latter.
Key player: Dimitar Berbatov
Final position: 15th
Hull
Of the three promoted sides, many people think Hull have the best chance of staying up. I tend to disagree. Steve Bruce is quite familiar with the concept of fighting relegation having spent most of his Premiership managerial career doing just that. However, just because he knows about these battles doesn’t mean he has the necessary resources at his disposal to win another one.
They will probably make a decent fist of survival and maybe even throw up a few shocks along the way. But ultimately Bruce will end up with another relegation that will only add to his growing reputation as a yo-yo manager.
Key player: Robert Koren
Final position: 19th
Liverpool
If you take the Luis Suarez nonsense out of the equation, then it has actually been a pretty decent summer for Liverpool. Brendan Rogers has made some clever signings, offloaded some average players and even persuaded another football club to part with actual money in return for Stewart Downing, an achievement of immense proportions.
In Philippe Coutinho they have one of the most promising young players in the entire league who could blossom into a superstar over the next nine months.
All they need to do now is put Suarez behind them and the future is bright – although not quite bright enough for a top four finish just yet.
Key player: Daniel Sturridge
Final position: 5th
Manchester City
Of all the mega-rich clubs around, Manchester City are the ones that convince me the least. Their financial clout ensures they have no shortage of top-class players but last season you felt they never quite came together as a proper team.
Maybe that was down to Roberto Mancini, who rarely seemed entirely in control of everything that was going on. Of course, the Italian has taken his preposterously nice hair to pastures new and Manuel Pellegrini will be keen to take the club to the next level.
But even though they have once again splashed the cash this summer, I don’t think they will gel until the later stages of the season, too late to claim top spot.
Key player: Fernandinho
Final position: 2nd
Manchester United
Boots simply don’t come any bigger than Sir Alex Ferguson’s. And filling them is a nigh on impossible task. But David Moyes looks like a man who is going to give everything in attempting the impossible.
Unfortunately for him, while success will probably come at a later stage, I don’t think he is going to have much to celebrate in his first year. In fact, he has already got his excuses in early, claiming Manchester United have their toughest start to a campaign for 20 years.
I feel the league title is destined for more southerly trophy rooms, while the Champions League will probably be beyond reach considering Moyes’ limited European knowledge. One of the domestic cups is not an impossibility, although the question remains whether that will be enough to placate fans who have been drip-fed success for the best part of quarter of a century.
Key player: Robin van Persie
Final position: 3rd
Newcastle United
Last season was a bit of a disaster for Newcastle United, who spectacularly failed to build on their brilliant season the year before. While everyone expected them to push on, they ended up flirting with the relegation places.
This season will probably not be smooth sailing either as manager Alan Pardew battles it out for supremacy with director of football Joe Kinnear.
A lot will depend on who ultimately comes out on top in that little fight: if Pardew wins then a mid-table finish with maybe a good cup run is on the cards. If Kinnear triumphs then they could be in League One by Christmas. Having said that, I expect Pardew to be victorious.
Key player: Loic Remy
Final position: 11th
Norwich City
Last season, Norwich City pretty much put all their eggs in one, Grant Holt-shaped basket, relying on the ageing striker to keep them in the top flight. But boss Chris Houghton has addressed that problem this summer by putting together one of the most interesting strike duos in England.
One half of it comes in the form of last season’s top scorer in Scotland, Gary Hooper, who banged in 35 goals for Celtic.
The other half is in the shape of Dutch international Ricky van Wolfswinkel, who undoubtedly has the most delightful name in the entire Premier League.
If those two hit it off then Norwich should be in for a less bumpy ride this time round. But only slightly.
Key player: Gary Hooper
Final position: 13th
Southampton
Last season I secretly wanted Southampton to get relegated purely for the way they treated manager Nigel Adkins. Well, actually it wasn’t exactly a secret as I frequently mentioned it in this very column.
However, new boss Maurico Pochettino refused to play ball and actually managed to build on Adkins’ good work, beating the likes of Manchester City as they comfortably secured safety.
However, and I say this with almost a hint of reluctance, I don’t think they will repeat their escape act this season. If relegation does happen then I will feel sorry for the players, fans and even the manager, who has done little wrong himself.
But I will cherish the look of failure on the face of executive chairman Nicola Cortese.
Key player: Rickie Lambert
Final position: 18th
Tottenham Hotspur
If Barcelona lost Lionel Messi or Real Madrid lost Cristiano Ronaldo you would have to say they are not going to be quite the team they were before. And the same goes for Tottenham Hotspur and Gareth Bale.
If and when the Welsh forward does depart then it is going to make the London side a weaker one. Don’t give me all this nonsense about it actually making them stronger because they can strengthen across the board. You lose a player of true world class and your team is worse for it. Simple.
Having said that, if the Bale money is wisely invested in five or six players, then they could end up stronger in the long term. Just not this season.
Key player: Roberto Saldado
Final position: 6th
Stoke City
Under previous manager Tony Pulis, Stoke City were a team that often bullied their opponents into submission. Their football, while effective, was rarely pretty, and I can’t say it was any great surprise when the Stoke hierarchy decided it was time for a change of direction.
However, under Mark Hughes there is every chance that change will be for the worse. I’ve nothing against the former Manchester United striker at all, but I think he is one of the most over-rated managers around.
I doubt he will match the work he did at Queens Park Rangers by entirely ruining a second team in as many seasons, but I do think that by Christmas, Stoke fans will be wondering if Pulis might want to come home.
Key player: Ryan Shawcross
Final position: 16th
Sunderland
This season’s Sunderland team – under the stewardship of Paolo “I’m not a racist but I do like the T-shirts” Di Canio – is going to be almost unrecognisable from the one that finished last season.
Ricky van Wolfswinkel undoubtedly has the most delightful name in the Premier League
So far, the Italian has brought in eight new players and is trying for a couple more by the end of August. On that basis, nobody should be in any doubt that this new, improved and lemon-scented Sunderland side is very much Di Canio’s.
If the rebuild fails there will be nobody else to blame. But, somehow, with a man as charismatic, if slightly nutty, as Di Canio in charge, you don’t get the feeling failure is a serious possibility.
Key player: Connor Wickham
Final position: 10th
Swansea
As I am sure you all recall quite happily, I had Swansea down as one of my favourites for relegation last season. Fail.
I also tipped Michael Laudrup as the manager most likely to get the chop first. Epic fail.
Swansea may only have been in the top flight for a couple of years but they already feel like part of the furniture.
This summer they have made a couple of good additions to what was already a pretty well-rounded squad.
The key to the Welsh club’s future may lie in how long they can hold on to Laudrup, who will surely be tempted away by a bigger job sooner rather than later.
Key player: Wilfried Bony
Final position: 7th
West Bromwich Albion
Last season, Steve Clarke and his West Bromwich Albion side defied all sorts of odds by finishing eighth. However, their talisman striker Romelu Lukaku has returned to parent club Chelsea and that is a blow that should not be underestimated.
Luckily, in Nicolas Anelka they have a replacement who knows how to score goals in the Premier League. He may be getting a bit long in the tooth and he may not have the pace he once did but, as he has shown in pre-season, he still knows where the net is.
I predict a similar sort of finish for West Brom this season to last, although they may need to battle harder to get there.
Key player: Nicolas Anelka
Final position: 9th
West Ham United
Up until last last week I was quite excited about West Ham United and the team that Sam Allardyce was assembling at Upton Park. Then he spent £5 million (€5.8m) on Stewart Downing and my faith in him all but evaporated.
With Andy Carroll already on board, West Ham now essentially have the Liverpool striker who couldn’t score goals being supplied by the Liverpool winger who couldn’t supply assists. Doesn’t sound like much of a dream team.
Even so, I do think Big Sam is putting together quite a tasty little squad and this should be a nice, comfortable season for Hammer fans.
Key player: Andy Carroll
Final position: 8th
sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com
Twitter: @maltablade