BANG!

I jerk awake, legs akimbo.

Family scene: Agent Charlie lying on a bed, nappy wide open.

Bed Left: Bristles holding his nose and laughing hysterically.

Bed Right: Smooth standing in a white tee shirt laddered with baby crap.

She isn’t laughing.

‘Did you see that?’ says Bristles. ‘Did you see that? I sneezed and he jumped like a starfish!’

Smooth still isn’t laughing.

‘Look on the bright side,’ says Bristles. ‘We’ve discovered a cure for constipation.’

Smooth crowns him with the soiled nappy.

Olfactory: Smooth is holding me up to her nose.

‘There’s no doubt about it. Since I’ve become a mum I’ve turned into a Labrador.’

‘Why’s that?’ asks Bristles.

‘All I do is sniff butts all day.’

Nutrition: The Natives don’t know how to eat. For them, ‘eating’ involves separating units of food and transferring them into the mouth. I’m teaching Smooth that apple puree should be enjoyed on the hands, face, clothes and mouth before consumption. The more vivid the food the better it looks in my hair, in her hair, on the chair, walls, floor, ceiling etc.

Divide and Conquer: As I am outnumbered, small and virtually immobile, I have to find ways of playing the Natives off each other.

For example:

‘Elephant,’ says Smooth.

I beam.

‘Banana split!’ she cries.

I giggle.

‘Patootie!’

I shriek with laughter.

‘Knickerbocker!’ says Bristles.

I start crying.

‘Whoa,’ says Bristles, chastened.

Smooth shrugs: ‘I guess you just don’t… have it.’

Bristles scowls. ‘Have what?’

Smooth: ‘Rapunzel!’

I burst out laughing. Bristles stalks from the room, leaving us alone.

Divide and conquer.

Summary:

So far so good.

No one knows I’m in charge.

Stay tuned for the next instalment of the Agent Charlie reports, edited by Peter Flynn, next week.

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