Gravity: Smooth drops the ball with one hand – and catches it with the other. Hilarious!

Birthday Ritual: Everyone is singing because 365 moons have passed since I was cut out of Smooth. The apartment is full of Natives running around, screaming and eating.

Smooth sets out a blanket on the floor with items on it. There’s a stethoscope, a cricket ball, a red fountain pen, a piece of LEGO and a mosaic heart.

Everyone watches as I crawl towards the objects.

I reach out. Everyone cheers, excited.

I grab the heart.

Why? (1) Because I want to be a heart surgeon, or (2) it’s the shiniest thing I can find.

‘Birthday’ is a strange ritual; ‘Conception Day’ would be more appropriate. Once I can talk I’ll raise it with Bristles and Smooth.

The Beard: When she’s cold, Smooth warms her hands in Bristles’ dressing gown; if her fingers are really cold she’ll slip them under the material until he screams. I also benefit: halfway through changing my nappy Bristles rubs the soles of my feet across his beard, tickling me so much I turn pink laughing.

Balance: ‘…twenty two, twenty three… twenty-four…’

Bristles is timing how long I can stand on my own.

‘…twenty-nine…thirty. Thirty seconds, Charlie! Just think, soon you’ll be walking and running around, leaping and jumping…’

He takes a deep breath.

‘…dancing… somersaults… cartwheels…’

Is that fear in his eyes?

Agent Milestone: I am no longer a baby; I am a boy. 

Summary: So far so good. No one knows I’m in charge.

Stay tuned for the next instalment of the Agent Charlie reports, edited by Peter Flynn, next week.

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