Air quotes?

Government Notice 896 of 2008 (dated October 17) sets out the "requirements as to standards and practices applicable to news bulletins and current affairs programmes".

This recalls the pre-election edict that no commentary ought to accompany news items.

Nestled between lots of bureaucratic jargon are a couple of interesting paragraphs, as follows:

"2.1.2 A broadcaster may produce news items about any subject or issue he/she chooses. This freedom of choice is subject to the fulfilment of the obligations to ensure fairness and respect for truth.

2.1.3 This notwithstanding, comments are considered to be admissible as long as:

i. They are directly connected with the unfolding story.

ii. They are accurate, factual and ethical.

iii. They are balanced.

iv. Depending on the nature of the news item, informed opinions are sought."

It is interesting to note that despite all this, the main bulletins of One and Net are radically different in content. 'News value' must mean different things to different people. When an item just happens to cover the same topic or issue, the coverage churned out, seemingly on autopilot, is drastically different. Balance, in this case, probably means sandwiching dollops of full-fat choc-chip ice cream between two slices of low-salt, low-sugar, high-fibre rye bread.

• Bernard Lynch, media communications officer for One Productions informs me that Super One Radio remains as 'super' as it ever was; it is only Super One Television that has lost its adjective and been rebranded as One Television.

• Two tropes that are used repeatedly on television are the chase in a department store (where there is ample opportunity for breakages and use of escalators and deployment of extras), and the talk-show format (where one can parody personalities or be obnoxious for art's sake).

We have lately seen the former on Walker, Texas Ranger and on one of many local dramas. Whereas the former, inevitably, came with a marital arts display, several stunts, and ended with all the balls from a children's slot machine bouncing around the prone villain, the only eye-catching feature of the latter was that the person doing the contrived chasing actually slid along the polished floor, several times, and that he appeared to know where his quarry would have been headed.

There was another similarly ludicrous scene in yet another drama. The employee had stopped working for a minute and was listening to the radio news bulletin because his (ex?) wife was mentioned. The boss walks in, and, after giving him a drubbing for wasting time, knocked the radio to the ground, where it broke into smithereens. He then got into fisticuffs with the aforementioned employee, and subsequently fired him.

• Not to be outdone, ITV shopping was broadcasting repeats of programmes encouraging us to purchase Christmas decorations, when those of us who don't like the stuff had already had more than enough of them inside the house and on the streets.

• The Hunchback of Notre Dame was a Rai Uno opus, broadcast live from a public square with perfect sound. The latter was used as entertainment in an open-air venue on Rai Uno (about which more, later), on Dawson's Creek as a sub-plot (with Katie Holmes a lifetime away from where she is today), and of course is typical of Smash Television, where it was sandwiched between several advertisements, one of which exhorts us to go shopping at a particular outlet for everything we need for an "ikla sajfija".

Last Sunday afternoon, however, Net failed miserably in this department, and more, when it broadcast a children's song and dance festival, which could have been a major attraction for children and non-siesta takers to watch.

Yet again, I found it disgusting that young children would be clothed (I use the term loosely) in suggestive clothes, and gyrating to Pussycat Dolls' lyrics which went: "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot (and a 'freak'/'raw'/'fun') like me...", and that's just the chorus. The whole point of the song is to tempt men to cheat on their women.

Please note that I have said nothing yet about We Will Rock You, and how easy a troupe dressed as nuns (for the Sister Act number) found it to strip onstage, or indeed the atrocious editing of the entire concert.

• This week, the presenter of a children's programme said that they would "nipplejjaw diska"; a guest on a talk show told us what happens when "il-blood jikkolttja"; and a disc-jockey repeated, ad nauseam, the phrase "Elvis's countryside" (although I do expect that there would be some space for greenery in 13.8 acres, after a palatial mansion was built).

• Meanwhile, I still cannot understand why one of the girls in Five 06 can get away with bullying her peers, who never snitch on her, whereas a cruel joke earns all the girls (including the victim) a weeks' detention and further restrictions.

television@timesofmalta.com