Normally I would give you a carefully crafted, wonderfully worded, beautiful built preamble before serving up my annual Premier League predictions. But having only had around three hours sleep in the past week I have been left with the mental agility of a concrete rhino and the verbal creativity of a house plant.
So, let’s stop beating round the bush and jump right in, in reverse order, of course...
20th: Southampton – It’s always nice to see the Liverpool feeder team back in the top-flight. Harsh? Maybe. But if you look back over the years, that’s pretty much what they’ve been. Sadio Mane, Virgil van Dijk, Adam Lallana, Danny Ings, Nathaniel Clyne, Peter Crouch, Dejan Lovren and Rickie Lambert have all made the move up north. However, I can’t see Liverpool being too interested in the current Saints squad as it hurtles back down to the Championship.
19th: Leicester City – When your star player is a 37-year-old striker, you are always going to struggle in the top-flight. I don’t think this will be a pretty season from Leicester’s perspective, with plenty of Sheffield United-like disasters. There is also the possibility of a points deduction hanging over them. Unlikely to pull off another surprise title win.
18th: Everton – There won’t be a dry eye in the house when Everton play their final game at Goodison Park. Partly for sentimental reasons, of course, but mostly because they will have just been relegated. A long series of ridiculously bad decisions by the club’s owners have left them on their knees, and the football gods won’t be able to resist sticking the final knife in, ensuring Everton start life in their delightful new stadium as a Championship side.
I doubt whether Arteta has the man-management skills to get Arsenal over the line
17th: Ipswich Town – Just about every season there is one newly-promoted team that surprises everyone by staying up. If that is going to happen, it’s going to be Ipswich. They have spent in a calm and calculated manner, but manager Kieran McKenna is astute enough not to destroy the team spirit by alienating those players that took them to back-to-back promotions.
16th: Brentford – Is there going to be life after Ivan Toney? More than likely yes. Brentford proved last season when their talismanic striker was banned for betting naughtiness that they could survive without him. And they will do the same this season, when he eventually retires from football by moving to Saudi Arabia.
15th: Nottingham Forest – If all the VAR decisions that went against Forest last season had gone the other way, they could have given Manchester City a run for their money. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration but I don’t think I have ever seen one club on the wrong end of so many erroneous VAR decisions in one season. Yet, unlike Wolverhampton Wanderers, these muppets still voted to keep the system in place. They have a manager who won’t take them down but isn’t likely to take them up either.
14th: Wolves – I am not going to deny that I have a huge soft spot for the Wanderers based on their one-club campaign to have VAR thrown out of football. However, I don’t see them improving on last season’s 14th place finish, especially after losing Maximilian Kilman and Pedro Neto. I have a sneaky, unfounded and probably illogical suspicion they may win a cup though. Don’t ask me why.
13th: Bournemouth – There is something about their manager Andoni Iraola that winds me up the wrong way. Whenever I see him on TV I get the overwhelming urge to pinch his cheeks, kick him in the shin and poke him in the eye. After a shaky start last season, he got the team moving forward nicely but they will dearly miss 19-goal Dominic Solanke.
12th: Crystal Palace – Had a great end to last season with new manager Oliver Glasner abandoning his predecessor’s ultra boring approach in favour of a more kamikaze style. A couple of weeks ago they had some of the most exciting players in the Premier League on their books in Eberechi Eze, Adam Wharton, Jean-Philippe Mateta, Michael Olise and Marc Guéhi. But Olise has gone and Guehi could be on his way, and that means it could be a more conservative approach this season. But probably not.
11th: Fulham – If anyone ever asks you for a definition of ‘mid-table mediocrity’ show them a photo of Fulham. They aren’t a bad team by any stretch of the imagination, but it feels like they could be stuck in mid-table limbo for eternity. Will they ever be good enough to challenge at the top or can you see them fighting for survival? No and No. Forever.
10th: West Ham United – They say in life you don’t really miss something until it’s gone. And I think the London club are about to find out just how much they miss David Moyes. The Scotsman may not have been every Hammer’s cup of tea, but you can’t argue with the success he enjoyed during his time at the club. Head coach Julen Lopetegui has some pedigree, but he lacks the Scottish grit and resolve and that will see them slump a little despite spending fortunes.
9th: Brighton and Hove Albion – Appointing a 31-year-old manager is a massive gamble by Brighton. Many of Fabien Hürzeler’s players are only a couple of years younger than their gaffer, while James Milner could almost be his manager’s grandfather. But Brighton are an innovative and adventurously run club whose gambles frequently pay off, so I expect them to have another solid season.
8th: Chelsea – My word, what a confused mess this football club is. Despite the fact that having too many players has been causing massive squad unrest over the last couple of years they went out and bought another busload this summer. More unrest, more failure, and the manager to pay the price for the owners’ idiocy by Christmas. Chelsea fans must be longing for a return to the successful tranquillity of the Roman Abramovich era.
7th: Newcastle United – What next for the world’s richest club? More of the same I suspect. Having access to bank accounts that make Elon Musk look poor counts for little if you are shackled by the constraints of financial fair play. Eddie Howe will continue to do a good job, but unless something changes in the way football’s finances are governed, you have to wonder how they will be able to step up to the next level. Investing in youth and developing it maybe?
6th: Tottenham Hotspur – I desperately want manager Ange Postecoglou to succeed. Not Spurs, as such, but Ange himself, as I think he is one of the last of a dying breed of proper football manager. He says things as he sees them and rarely minces his words. But unless Solanke turns out to be the 30-goal-a-season striker they desperately need, I can’t see Spurs or my favourite Australian winning anything this season either.
5th: Aston Villa – A very good manager. A healthy-sized squad. Clever summer additions. An extremely positive atmosphere around the whole club, which is now in a healthier place than it has been for decades. But a Champions League adventure will probably wear the squad a little thin and they will miss out on back-to-back, top-four finishes. It won’t stop them enjoying the season though, and rightly so.
4th: Manchester United – The feeling around Old Trafford and among the club’s fans seems to be considerably more positive than it has been for a while. I didn’t think Erik ten Hag would still be there this season, but there he is, and I must admit he is starting to grow on me. They have made some good purchases to go with the good vibes, and I suspect it is now only a matter of time before they are back challenging at the very top. Just not this season.
3rd: Liverpool – Arne Slot isn’t Jürgen Klopp. I’ve heard that repeated by so many Liverpool fans this summer, the club should probably have it painted underneath the famous “This is Anfield” sign in the tunnel. But that doesn’t mean the new manager is necessarily worse, just different. He may not have Jürgen’s charm and charisma, but he knows his way round a football pitch, which is why they should comfortably finish in the top four. They might want to think about actually buying a player or two though.
2nd: Arsenal – The Gunners have shown over the last couple of seasons that they have the players to challenge at the very top, and they will once again push City all the way. But I personally have doubts as to whether Mikel Arteta has the man-management skills needed to get them over the line. He may be a good coach, but is he a good leader of men? I’m not entirely convinced that Pep Light will ever grow into the full fat version.
1st: Manchester City – It’s going to be five in a row. As much as I may not want it to happen, as much as I believe it will be unhealthy for English football, it’s hard to see past them clinching yet another crown. Unless they are deducted something like 20 points when those Financial Fair Play charges finally get heard. Even then, I wouldn’t put it past Pep Guardiola to find a way to win the title, especially if it is really his last season at City.
E-mail: James.calvert@timesofmalta.com
Twitter: @maltablade