After travelling the world together, James and Jane decided to settle down and start a family – a decision that kickstarted an emotional journey they were not prepared for.
The couple had a son who was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.
This introduced a level of strain on their relationship that came with packed schedules, pressures and responsibilities that left little room for romance.
“When you have a child with special needs, you have an extra layer of complication,” says Jane as her husband adds: “The thing about parenthood… you get opened up to a level of emotion you never thought of.”
The emotional toll is huge on parents of children with a disability – and this impacts on the couple’s dynamics, they say.
James admits he feels he has outgrown the way he once expressed his love and now does it differently by, for example, preparing a cup of tea for his tired wife – something she calls “appreciation without being prompted”.
The couple shared their experience with family therapist Charlene Borg who interviewed them as part of her dissertation into the romantic relationship of couples with disabled children.
This study, conducted as part of her Masters in Systemic Family Psychotherapy within the Institute of Family Therapy, consisted of a qualitative in-depth interview with one couple carried out following extensive research into the subject.
The subject has fascinated Ms Borg throughout the 22 years she has been working with parents at Inspire – Foundation for Inclusion, where she witnessed the way exhaustion strains the bond between couples.
“When speaking about parents of disabled people, romantic love is not what usually comes to mind,” says Ms Borg who is Parent Relations manager at Inspire.
Parents of the disabled are primarily looked at as bearers of immense stress and responsibility
“Parents of the disabled are primarily looked at as bearers of immense stress and responsibility. It is, therefore, easier to forget that the parents are also a couple who still experience romantic love.”
Having a child always changes the dynamic of the romantic aspect of a relationship. When it comes to disability, everything is enlarged, she says.
As soon as the couple learn about the child’s disability, their weekly schedule becomes packed with appointments. They face a lot of additional pressures, she says.
Through her research and experience, she found that the biggest challenges these parents face is the balance between the couple and parent relationship – couples forget they are husband and wife as parenting takes the forefront.
They get fixed into parenting roles as, in the majority of cases, the father becomes the breadwinner while the mother handles the caring aspect.
Tensions start to soar when they unknowingly stop supporting each other and start feeling misunderstood. As negative emotions build, romance starts slipping away and they lose the intimate connection.
Yet, despite this, while some couples don’t manage to remain together, others – like Jane and James – do.
So, what makes a couple stick together? Ms Borg believes, according to her research and two decades of experience, this boils down to commitment and growth.
“There’s a distinction between falling and standing in love. Falling in love is a beautiful experience. Standing in love is about taking a decision and sticking to it – it’s about committing and growing. It’s about saying: this is the person I love and I chose and am hoping that things will work out,” she says adding that humour also plays a uniting role.
As Jane and James explain, romance changes with time. Sweeping teenage gestures may be replaced with smaller meaningful ones. What’s important is that couples remain open to investing effort on their relationship.
“Writing down ‘couple time’ in your diary is not the same as when you’re young and it comes natural. Sometimes you need to sit down and ease yourself into a conversation even if it seems uncomfortable,” she says adding that Inspire offers support to parents.