Candied date

Do you know what I'm going to miss in this upcoming election? I'll miss the characters. Spiru Sant, Il-Farfett... This is going to be a very, very dull poll.

Not being exactly politically aware, the high point of each election campaign for me was always the ten minutes of fame each of the 'joke' candidates were allowed on TVM.

A chance for dear old Spiru to exhibit his splendid singing voice. The opportunity for Il-Farfett to explain how he was going to use the oil revenue, which would surely be raining down on us... just as soon as we discovered oil.

And so what if their votes could be counted on one sloth paw, their entertainment value was worth a landslide majority.

They were so much more entertaining than listening to 'proper' politicians banging-on about the hofra or Tarzna or any of the other oh so, so boring aspects of Maltese parish-pump politics.

Now poor old Spiru Sant has departed for that great soapbox in the sky and Il-Farfett has slipped back into his chrysalis, what a pity! I only ever heard Spiru Sant address a live meeting on one occasion, and that was by accident.

I happened to be passing the spot in Floriana where Spiru - on soapbox of course - addressed about half a dozen grinning youths, who constantly jeered him... some even threw rotten fruit. Nonetheless, Spiru seemed to be enjoying himself hugely, and when the noise of the hecklers threatened to drown him out, he retaliated with a few choruses of the National Anthem. It was no contest, his basso profundo would have drowned out the crowd at Old Trafford.

But who's going to succeed Spiru and company? Nobody, sadly. They don't make them like Spiru any more. Or do they? Well actually yes, they do.

We've got a few in our village that would definitely qualify. And, with my public entertainment hat on, I, Sylvanus, would hereby like to nominate a couple of independent parliamentary candidates of my own.

For starters, there's Alfred the baker. You probably don't know him... but believe me, there is no issue affecting this country that Alfred cannot pronounce on. And, if I may say so, he has some thoroughly sensible ideas to boot.

For instance, Alfred - who does rather like the ladies - wants to bring in a law to decriminalise goosing (to be perfectly honest I didn't know it was illegal to pinch a lady's bum.... not that I've ever done it, of course).

Alfred's bête noir is 'political correctness'. He cannot for the life of him understand what's wrong with five digits locked in a bed of adipose tissue... and come to that, neither can I. So Alfred wants it legalised. To quote him, "It's not just legal in Italy, it's practically compulsory! So why not here?"

I'd like to be able to say that Alfred has a wide-ranging view of local politics, but to be absolutely truthful, his pronouncements are limited to making the female form more accessible... to Alfred. Still, if it's good enough for him...

Then there's Aunty Lina, no shrinking violet she, in fact she makes the late great Mabel Strickland look positively coy. My father once said he was surprised his sister never did go in for politics, I'm not.... Her policies are so extreme that no self-respecting political party would ever countenance her as an active participant.

To begin with, she wants all political parties banned. The enforced demolition of the Hamrun glass menagerie and the Pietà pile. The conversion of Castille into a five-star hotel (good idea) - and she also wants to turn the drydocks into a holiday complex (I thought it already was).

Still, even at 74, I think she'd be an invaluable addition to the hustings. Among her more moderate proposals is bringing in a law to make the death penalty compulsory for anyone involved in dog fighting.

Last week Aunty was booked for a parking offence. Her wrath was such that she immediately added a new clause to her political manifesto. Forthwith she wants all female local wardens lobotomised and all male ones castrated....which says plenty about where Aunty Lina thinks men keep their brains.

Nevertheless I'm putting both her and Alfred up for nomination... Now who's brave enough to second them?