Cards on the table

From time to time a new politico-literary brainwave makes its appearance in these islands. Its theme depends on what the far fundamentalist right considers as best policy in an atmosphere of frustrated self-raising dumps.

For a long time the policy was to bash Alfred Sant as much as possible. This was a normal reaction to his attracting more and more intellectuals towards the left. In Malta this is a difficult task for, until recently, intellectuals were not very enamoured with the left. Of course, in Europe this is completely different since artists, teachers, lecturers, writers etc have a strong affinity with the left. Ironically, the closer Malta is entangled with Europe, the more the Maltese discover that European intellectuals feel comfortable within the movements of the left. This cannot but help the left in Malta as a result of some brain drain being attracted away from dull conservatism. I do suspect, however, that ad hoc intelligent strategy groups are not welcome in the left - which has winning, not gaffing, intentions.

Another reason for the deflation of the bash-Sant hysteria, originating from the solemnest of honest Pharisees, was the fact that Dr Sant carried away with little effort three recent consecutive elections. It was thus not easy for the hungry wolves to proceed with their teeth baring, since it makes little sense to gnaw at a solid winner without damaging one's teeth and looking ridiculous. So the wolves had to find some other inspiration and they instructed their bold fencers and introverted cartoonists to wipe the poison off their mugs and try spitting out some syllogistic honey.

Great strain was exerted on an impoverished source of light until the pack fell upon an excellent idea, reminiscent of those born in the minds of the ad hoc intelligent strategy group, to throw at the left the stiff challenge of Cartes Sur Table. Coming from quarters with excellent talent at blaming one and all for one's son not entering university, one would have expected such reputation to produce a game of Cards Under The Table rather than On The Table. Anyway this is how the CST game goes.

First of all, when you seek internal light and you are faced with dimness, you summon up courage by deciding to curse the light in your adversary's camp and call it darkness. You may also attempt to concoct some new cordon bleu in your pot but realise that your stew stinks. Ergo, what is your obvious defence mechanism? You place your long trunk over the adversary's stew and declare that it stinks even more than yours. Sometimes you may contradict yourself by stating that your adversary's pot is empty. When you are asked how come an empty pot manages to stink, you mumble something in the sense that complicated contradictions can only be understood by an intelligent strategy group. Obviously, proof that this group's inspiration is the best anyone can come up with is the fact that it remains uncontested.

When promoters of CST appeal to the left to produce some credible ideas to convince one and all that it is an alternative government, they are conceding that they have given up seeing more than a big yawn in their own chicken-coop. (Pun re Marsa and Zejtun local election yellow liver pie intended.) But one cannot just yawn and do nothing without exploiting the opportunity of hurling a nagging challenge at the other side. So the pack tells the opposition to come up with some interesting plans if it wants to stand a chance of being considered a credible government.

This hollering for Cartes Sur Table two years before an election seems to me a bit strange but what other stupidities can one throw when one runs out of ammunition? Attack is, after all, the best form of defence - before more people realise that your CST does not include secret voting within your camp. You see, this may encourage the dissidents.

I am not aware of any opposition in any country producing an electoral manifesto so early before an election but the precociousness-loving avangardist right in Malta demands this. Or else... or else they nag you about not having ideas. There are cases when you do reveal your plans to some extent in policy documents and, before the wolves have read the first line, they start yelping that your ideas make no sense. In psychology this is called "double bind". If I don't do what you say you complain and if I do what you say you complain even more. It reminds me of the haggish shrew who bought two ties for her husband and each time he put one on she complained he didn't like the other one. Haggish shrews can certainly have a political nature.

The game of Cartes Sur Table has caught on and is now even played regularly at Castille. Of course, the jokers are carefully identified and removed from the pack. The dirty game of ETTG (Ears To The Ground) has become an old-fashioned insipidity and has been declared mediaeval (sic), thus banned from this land. A variety of citizens of Malta are called to this haven and invited to empty their heavy bags. They are welcomed with smiles and "Come to me my dear children". They complain about everything and are caressed with more smiles. Note is taken of their sores and balm is spread on them on the morrow.

Another workshop in Cartes Sur Table is being set up by the NNMFI (No Nonsense Malta Fundamentalist Inquisition). The main objective is similar to that of the pack of wolves above. They intend to outrun and ridicule the Taliban confraternity and brainwash them into believing they are far from an alternative administration. The gross immorality and illegality of graphic four-letter words will be entrenched in the Constitution. All vulgar sounds will also become anti-constitutional. In-vitro fertilisation will have to quiver in sand-clocks instead of test-tubes, which tend to be insufficiently transparent.

Above all, make sure that you keep in mind the fact that the wolves and the fundamentalists are watching you. So pull up your socks and tie your shoe laces without picking up that card under the table. That is my darned job!