Census and sensitivity

So we're going to be subjected to another national census this year, are we? Terrific! And yes, I do mean that in an ironic way. Quite seriously, we Maltese must be one of the most checked-up on peoples in the entire universe. And if any of you still think the census is all about enumerating the population and plotting lifestyle trends, purleeeeeease, do me a favour!

As most people know, the Malta national census is just another (admittedly quite efficient) way of screwing the populace for even more money in taxes, direct and indirect. It is a government organised fishing trip... no more, no less.

How so? No, please don't tell me you haven't sussed it yet.

For a start, we are legally bound to fill in the blooming census form honestly. Failure to do so will result in prosecution, certain conviction and a public flogging... on the Main Guard... or worse.

Even the most innocent-looking questions are loaded. For example, to the enquiry: How many pairs of Nike trainers do your children and you possess, your answers have a direct bearing on both your status and financial standing.

Answer five pairs or less and it means you are either poorer than a Calcutta street urchin or a consummate liar (guess which option the authorities will plump for). Answer between five and 10 pairs each and you will be marked down as upwardly mobile and certain to experience a substantial hike in your tax bill. Answer anything over 10 pairs and this means you just have got to be a mega-rich bastard, sucking the state dry and can expect both a whopping tax bill and a monumental ex-officio claim into the bargain.

Of course, not every single census query is aimed at your pocket... but most of them are. One that isn't and which springs to mind is the question about age. This is the one that is usually fudged by women.

Question: How old were you at your last birthday?

Supplementary question: Now how old were you really at your last birthday?

You get the picture.

The fishing trip continues via your mobile phone. You thought your mobile was just a means of communication? Think again. The type of phone you use gives the authorities unprecedented knowledge about your financial status.

For example: if you state that you own a mobile that can also take photographs, this puts you in the averagely rich bastard class and you'll have to pay up accordingly. But if you are stupid enough to confess to owning something that has the Berlin Philharmonic playing Beethoven's Fifth as a ring-tone on a phone that not only gives you a stock market update every 10 minutes, but also tells you when the time is ripe to put in a bid for Manchester United, then reserves you a river-view table at the Savoy Grill, books your hair and Botox appointments... without being reminded to do so, cuts your toenails automatically, scans your mail for junk and disposes of it, cooks you a meal, makes tea and coffee and finally signs off with four choruses of Everything's Coming Up Roses... then that definitely puts you in the AA++ category of earners and hence liable to be whacked hard in both the pocket and the bank accounts.

On which subject, how's this for an even more sneaky piece of trawling for financial information? You would think that the census question: Where did you spend your vacation last year? would be fairly innocent. Not a bit of it.

For instance, if you say you spent two weeks in Lombardy, or anywhere in mid- to northern Italy, the powers-that-be will instantly assume that you did go in order to be able to slip over the border into Switzerland, to check on your illicit Swiss bank accounts. So in no way should you ever confess to having enjoyed a vacation anywhere near the Swiss border. The same goes for hols is the Channel Islands and obviously a two-week package holiday in the Cayman Islands puts you in the Bill Gates class.

So beware when you fill in that innocent-looking national census form. All is not as it seems.