Confessions of a minister - Volume three, Revelations 12

Now that the dust has settled after the "coup", it's time to reflect on the outcome. Lawrence in - Eddie out (mind you, I still think I'm the best man for the job. And all my canvassers agree with me.) Rumours of a radical Cabinet reshuffle reverberate among the corridors of power. I refuse to allow speculation and tittle-tattle to ruffle my inscrutable exterior. But if I don't get another high-profile ministry there will be trouble - big trouble!

Monday

The first Cabinet meeting under the new regime. Lawrence (never Lorry - never ever Lorry) seems to have got his priorities right, with half the Cabinet favouring plain chocolate digestives and half preferring milk chocolate ones, I see he's taken the pragmatic course and ordered half and half. So, that's a good start - the man is ready to compromise.

Tuesday

Am summoned to the new man's office in Castille. Aha! Is this where my glorious political career founders on the rocks of change's sake or will I go on ever upwards - my brilliant career continuing to flourish and inspire those of a lesser calibre?

Well, after the initial small talk, he gives it to me straight. I am to be offered the Ministry of Negative Rhetoric - and I'm sure I'm just the man for the job - as soon as I find out what it means. Ah! right - it's all to do with digging up the dirt on the Opposition. Oh yes, very me.

Later to V's - absolutely shattered. But after a little subtle exercise - on her part - things are very soon looking up.

Wednesday

To lunch with an apparently eminent Dutch judge - from the European Court of Human Rights. He's terribly concerned about our perceived attitude towards refugees and asylum-seekers. He feels that locking them up, as we do, is depriving them of both their dignity and their human rights.

Look, I'm sorry but I don't get this. Dignity? I mean - have you seen these people? I've seen more dignified behaviour at the bottom of a swamp. And as for human rights - oh please! Human? Possibly; rights - no way. Most of these people are further to the left than bloody Mintoff. Get him off my back, will you?

Thursday

Agree to a meeting - in my office and on my terms - with my opposite number in the shadow Cabinet. He warns me that any dirt I think I can dish on them will be as naught compared with the manure they can unload onto us.

Naturally I dismiss these threats as both infantile and empty. He replies that their file on me alone runs to 900 pages - not counting strong rumour and dark innuendo. In fact he add that they are thinking of starting a Website dedicated to my indiscretions alone! Erm, I wonder if this really is the right ministry for me?

Friday

Safely ensconced in my new ministry, I summon my chief accountant for a rundown on the ministry's financial situation.

How much? You must be joking! I can't run a ministry on peanuts! If Wenzu wants me to kick opposition ass - it will bloody well cost him. On that budget I'd be hard pushed to make a down payment on the libel suit they throw our way. Do an Oliver Twist and demand more!

PM Late to V's - very, very exhausted. Sometimes it's hard being a sex god all the time.

Saturday

And so we gather at Grand Harbours for the spectacle to end all spectacles. And am I annoyed that someone else is getting the credit for organising our EU entry beano? Not at all. Let Jesmond have his five minutes of glory. Anyone who is anyone knows it is I who am behind it all. Jesmond just did the legwork, that's all.