Everyone deals with a crisis in their lives in a different way. They may not only be dealing with a crisis but with conditions like stress and depression.

Yet, it is generally accepted that men deal with tough situations in a different manner to women. We know that because the male suicide rate is four times higher than that of women.

This could be seen as a consequence of men tending to clam up, being unwilling to talk about their problems or feeling reluctant to seek help from those who can listen. Only half the men who commit suicide will have previously seen a doctor.

Generally, men have a lower emotional quotient than women. They are less able to talk about their feelings, express emotions or seek support when needed.

Psychotherapist Lucy Beresford agrees that men still find it hard to talk. She says that part of the reason is biological: “When women are under pressure, just talking about it and expressing their feelings releases the hormone oxytocin, which makes them feel better. Men don’t get that response – their levels of oxytocin are much lower – so for them, talking is a waste of time. It doesn’t offer the same soothing buzz that women experience.”

Prof. Simon Baron-Cohen, head of Developmental Psychopathology at the University of Cambridge, says that the female brain is hardwired for empathy while the male brain is quite the opposite. For men, articulating their feelings goes against the grain.

Beresford points out that when boys are teenagers and developing into young men they look around and see that men do not talk. Sometimes their fathers dissuade them from showing any emotion so they follow suit and keep it all inside.

An example is Alan, 35. He slipped into alcoholism and had a breakdown before finally opening up about the stresses of his job. He feels that the problem with men is pride: “We learn it from our fathers, they are the breadwinners, they go out and earn money, they don’t cry, they just cope.” Alan had a successful career and marriage but he was struggling with life.

His job was a social one, including partying, with no time to feel tired or miserable. Everyone thought he was this big man and he felt he could not say, “It’s all an act, I can’t do the job, I am terrified in case each new project fails.”

Alan felt he could not tell his wife or friends. His wife relied on him and his friends just saw this image of a successful man in an expensive car.

He also felt that men find failure contagious. Finally, he was forced to change his job and undergo intensive psychotherapy.

Women tend to have a support group around them. Men tend not to have that circle of men and certainly not a group where they would sit and express their worries, anxieties and problems.

Gael Lindenfield, author of The Emotional Healing Strategy, has studied how men recover from emotional hurt: “They have very different strategies to women and some are effective”. Sport is one way of letting off steam. It allows men to get close, support each other and get a bit emotional. Humour also helps.

Coping mechanisms that are less healthy involve alcohol and violence. Many men drink to cope with feelings while others get angry rather than admit they are depressed.

Women need to try to identify when their man is coping and when he is bottling it up inside.

Possible warning signals include: a withdrawal from family and friends, a loss of interest in things he would normally be passionate about, as well as an increased cynicism about the world in general.

A change in appearance, eating or sleeping habits and an increase in aggression, violence and hostility are also signs of an inability to cope.

The problem with all this is what society expects from a man. Women still want men to be strong in a crisis while at the same time they want them to be more open.

Women do not want men collapsing in tears although they still want them to communicate feelings.

Employers, on the other hand, are looking for ‘emotional intelligence’.

Society is building an image of an impossible person leaving men confused. At the same time, celebrities are making it more acceptable for men to express their emotions. David Beckham has admitted to suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and English politician John Prescott admitted to suffering from bulimia.

The Campaign Against Living Miserably was founded in response to the high number of male suicides and includes a website wwwthe calmzone.net and a helpline.

Kathryn@maltanet.net

Source: The Sunday Times, November 2, 2008