It’s been almost 20 years, but Anna and Joe still don’t put up a Christmas tree.

“It’s a reminder of a painful time,” Joe says.

“I just can’t find joy in it.”

Anna sits across from him, her eyes glistening.

“Christmas is a nightmare for us,” she agrees. 

I was told I could have a miscarriage at any moment- Anna

Their daughter, Jenny, would have turned 18 this year, had things gone as planned. But it was not to be.

“It was December, I was 16 weeks pregnant and I was due to have a routine scan. But I sensed something was up from the way the technician and the gynaecologist looked at each other,” Anna recalls.

The scan detected major abnormalities – abnormalities too severe to give Jenny a fighting chance.

“I was told I could have a miscarriage at any moment,” Anna says.

“My gynaecologist immediately gave us the option to go abroad and terminate the pregnancy.”

Within weeks, they flew to London. Two days later, they were back in Malta. It was the first week of January and their parents and relatives were none the wiser. Anna, they thought, had suffered a miscarriage at the turn of the year.

Anna and Joe’s story is not unique: foreign abortion support services say they help dozens of Maltese women get safe abortions abroad every year and local doctors tell anecdotes of many others who head to Sicily to obtain more clandestine – and more dangerous – abortions from unlicensed clinics there.

The couple have never told their story before and never felt moved to.

That changed, however, when they discovered that the gynaecologist who referred them to London for an abortion was among 80 academics who signed a position paper last month, arguing that the government’s reform plan would 'open the door to abortion'.

“I felt betrayed,” Anna says.

“It was a shock. I thought our doctor would be supporting us.”

The doctor in question is not alone. At least two other doctors who signed the petition have also helped patients obtain an abortion, documents and private chats seen by Times of Malta indicate.

In one of those cases, a local gynaecologist referred a patient to a Maltese doctor in London for a surgical abortion procedure.

Doctor advised patient on 'termination abroad'

In an email, the private hospital in question informed them that the procedure would cost around £4,500 (€5,200) in consultancy, surgery and scan fees – roughly three times the average monthly salary in Malta.

And, in a WhatsApp chat conversation seen by Times of Malta, a doctor who signed the petition advised a patient to speak to a specific gynaecologist “who can help you arrange for a termination abroad”. 

Although the numbers are small, the instances shed light on the complexity of views about abortion, which are often more nuanced than the ‘pro-life’ and ‘pro-choice’ labels suggest.

“My doctor was so caring,” Anna recalls, “calling me when I was at the clinic to see how I was doing. I still can’t understand how they could disown us like that.”

I had to pretend that everything was fine

When contacted for comment, the gynaecologist in question admitted to having referred patients for abortions abroad but only when the woman was hell-bent on getting one, even through unsafe means.

“I speak to patients, encourage them to get counselling, to think it over. I remind them that they can also give the child up for adoption. I’ve managed to save nine pregnancies this way. But, sometimes, there’s no convincing them.

“An unsafe abortion in some backstreet clinic in Sicily can lead to massive health complications. So I try and spare them that ordeal.”

Anna and Joe recall things differently.

“The gynaecologist sorted it all out,” Joe says.

“We were not the ones pushing.”

Anna agrees.

“We were completely lost at that point. Our doctor helped us through what was the most painful moment of my life.

“I remember people asking when I was due. Everyone saying ‘congrats’ and you know your baby is not going to make it. I just had to play along and pretend everything was fine. ”

Debate on abortion 'hurts'

The ongoing national debate about abortion hurts them, they say, because of the way in which it is sometimes framed.

“To see people judging people like me, saying we do not care for our unborn children... I gave birth to my dead child, I held her in my arms and cried as I said goodbye. Anyone who hasn’t gone through it can never know what that is like,” Anna says, her voice breaking under the strain.

“And, now, I feel like I’ve lost my doctor, too.”

The strain cuts both ways.

“I’ve always been firmly anti-abortion but I’ve also done all I can to keep my patients safe,” the gynaecologist said.

“The way this issue is being pushed will just make things worse, for everyone. Because the next time a woman comes to me in that sort of situation, I will just slam the door in her face. Why should I do otherwise when anything I do will be used against me?”

*Names have been changed.