In every workplace, one finds people with personality disorders that affect their colleagues’ lives. Business schools may not give enough attention to training future managers to deal constructively with difficult people.
Unfortunately, this can lead to a dysfunctional workplace where interpersonal conflicts, at best, lower staff morale and, at worst, could lead to the loss of valuable talent when some workers decide to resign to free themselves from a toxic environment. So, how should one deal with difficult people?
Let us start with some semantics. Management terminology often avoids loaded medical terms that describe difficult people. But the reality is that a significant number of workers in every organisation have some personality disorder or a combination of conditions with different labels.
Difficult people can fall into a spectrum of behaviour abnormalities ranging from just being awkward people who behave aggressively and have a low threshold of stress tolerance to those having more severe mental health issues that affect their personality.
A management training organisation describes ‘difficult people’ as those who are ‘irrational, deaf to reason, close-minded, uncooperative, making complaints, dissenting, disagreeable, opinionated, unreceptive, stubborn, aggressive, hostile, disruptive, discordant, angry, manipulative and unwilling to change’. Most of us know someone who makes every situation toxic and impossible.
Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won’t get you anywhere, though odds are, they don’t even see a problem.
Such people exist in the workplace, politics, and even religious orders or anywhere where a group of persons have to interact. We have to accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn’t a thing you can do about it. What is essential is to know how to deal with such people to avoid being damaged yourself by their toxicity.
The most distilled piece of advice I found on how to deal with such people comes from Dodinsky, the New York Times author of the bestselling book In the Garden of Thoughts.
Walking away is the best way to stand up for yourself when faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticism and misguided opinions. To respond with anger is an endorsement of their attitude. Getting burned by someone’s vitriol can only happen if they are successful enough to trap you in their little corner of the world.
When faced with aggressive behaviour, most people instinctively feel they should react by being equally fierce. But you need to resist this urge to be defensive. You cannot beat these kind of people with retaliation.
Walking away is the best way to stand up for yourself when faced with senseless drama, spiteful criticism and misguided opinions
They are called ‘impossible’ for a reason. In their minds, ‘you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say will make them consider your side of the story’. Your opinion is of no consequence because you are already guilty, no matter what.
The situation, of course, becomes much more difficult when the relationship between the normal and the difficult person is between manager and subordinate. Many employees have had to quit their jobs because their managers are dysfunctional in their interpersonal relationships. This is a shame because proper governance should ensure that such managers are never entrusted to lead other people in any organisation.
Dealing with difficult subordinates can be easier if the signs of the problems affecting one’s behaviour are identified early. Today, many training courses exist on anger management and handling difficult people in the workplace. Such courses should be embedded in the academic curricula for management degrees and diplomas. Most forward-looking organisations also include such behaviour management courses in their in-house training regime.
When quitting a relationship with a difficult person, as suggested by Dodinsky, is not an option, then the next best option is to ‘be a manager’ of the situation.
Until the relationship with a problematic person is over, you need to limit the damage that such difficult persons can inflict on you. Your best weapon is silence. Abandon all hope of ‘fixing’ the other person. Impossible people are irrational. They do not listen to reason; even if they could, they would not.
Difficult people do not acknowledge they have any flaws. You cannot change this mindset, however much you try. All you can do is manage this mindset without resorting to casting blame and giving in to anger.
This is much easier said than done, and there will be times when one forgets these golden rules. But as time passes, you will master the art of dealing with difficult people.
Employers must also focus more on the mental health well-being of their employees.