How do you describe a Maltese person? Warm? Friendly? Oh, you can use many adjectives but we can agree on one: loud. And the only way we know to make ourselves stand out is to be louder than others – we must be the loudest.

And that is how we approach debates. The loudest voice is the winner. Listen to the crescendo of a person’s voice as they ramp up the volume to reach the climax of their argument in a veritable roar. And then they lean back satisfied, listening to the echo of that roar because they think they’ve silenced their opposition.

It’s the only moment we stop to listen because we never actually listen to others’ arguments. We simply plough on over them while they are still expressing their opinion. Two voices in unison contradicting each other, fighting each other until the louder one wins by simply being the last sound heard in the room.

But noise is not an argument. Noise is just that – empty. Roaring arguments at the top of our lungs only tell the listener I don’t care about your opinion, I do not respect what you are saying, I simply want to drown out your voice, smother your argument with my louder one. I win because I am louder than you.

It is pathetic. It is infantile. It is disrespectful. It is a form of violence. Yes, it is. Disrespect is a form of violence. We harp on about teaching children to respect each other and yet here we are, grown adults, failing to do just that. What example are we setting these children, tomorrow’s adults?

How can we tell our son or daughter to be respectful when they look at us, at our political leaders, the elected representatives of the people, who use insults and jeers to debate a topic?

How can we say we want to eliminate violence against women when we cannot even have a simple conversation expressing diverging points of view? We never learn to agree to disagree. We must agree or disagree passionately, violently, loudly. Above all, we must do everything in our power to crush our opponent even if it means resorting to below-the-belt tactics. And if you still don’t agree with me, then shut up.

It’s the Maltese way. That’s our justification. It’s no excuse for disrespect. How can we expect any progress, how can we hope for change when we are incapable of sitting down around a table and having a respectful, intelligent, informed conversation?

The basics: you speak while I listen; I speak while you listen; this is my point of view; that is your point of view. You can try to make me change my point of view by presenting your argument in a convincing manner without insulting me. The winner of the argument should be the one who manages to persuade the majority to follow their point of view not through coercion but because they succeeded in changing their opponents’ perspective through intelligent debate.

We never learn to agree to disagree. We must agree or disagree passionately, violently, loudly- Adriana Bishop

At the end of the day, you can walk away from the debating table respecting the fact that your argument was not the winning one today.

“With all due respect” is one of the most oft used phrases in our pseudo attempts at debating but only serves to point out from the onset that I don’t respect your position and I am going to show you exactly how stupid you are.

We approach debates as if life can only be black or white, red or blue, with us or with them, yes or no. Life is infinitely more complex than that.

Debates serve to address a topic from every possible angle, to challenge our preconceived ideas to see if they still hold as strong at the end of the day.

And when complex topics are being debated by people whose will affects the rest of the country, then even greater care and sensitivity is required.

A debate is not a bulldozing exercise. It is not about point-scoring. It is not about finger jabbing.

Who am I to be lecturing on this? I am nobody, yet I am everybody who covered their face in their hands in despair at the sorry excuse for a debate taking place in parliament which is then replicated to an even more vicious degree on social media.

Stop shouting. Listen. Listen to your own loud voice, listen to those jeering insults you are levelling at your opponent. What do they say about you? How is that conducive to an intelligent, comprehensive debate?

It’s time we went back to basics. If respect begins in the classroom then that is where debating skills need to be taught. But why wait until today’s children grow up? Let’s start with today’s adults because, while those children are busy growing up, we are busy ripping each other apart with shameful insults in the name of debate setting the wrong example for them to follow. And the cycle goes on.

Adriana Bishop is a freelance journalist and regular contributor to Sunday Circle magazine.