Don't park in my backyard

This week we eavesdrop on a meeting of the Sliema/St Julian's underground car park committee. And they have something of a dilemma on their hands.

"So if we can't put it under the site of the old Magic Kiosk or under the Balluta pjazza, where are we going to put it?"

"Mr Chairman, if I may...?"

"Yes Chiara."

"Why does it have to be under... ground?"

"Well, because... because... Charles, you're the architect; tell her why."

"Certainly Mr Chairman. It is to be sited underground Chiara dear - "

" - Don't patronise me!"

"Sorry, sorry. You see Chiara, it is to be built underground so that no unsightly building will be visible from ground level."

"But why does it have to be unsightly?"

"Mr Chairman, if I may?"

"Certainly Eric, go ahead."

"Chiara, would you call the Yellow Garage car park beautiful and an architectural aesthetic asset to Malta's landscape?"

"No I wouldn't, and I'm not suggesting for one minute that the new car park should look anything remotely like the Yellow Garage car park."

"Then what are you suggesting? (Aside: Not that it's in any way relevant)"

"I am suggesting that the new car park - if indeed we even need one -"

(A chorus of splutters emits from the rest of the committee)

" - If we need yet another car park; might I suggest that you, Charles, always assuming that you will get the architectural commission - and I assume that's a done deal with all your dubious connections and your insatiable aptitude for graft - if we need yet another car park, might I suggest that you design it to maybe look not unlike Malta's premier architectural gem... the Baħar ic-Ċagħaq Splash and Fun park."

"WHAT?"

"Easy Charles, she means well. Give him a brandy someone please. Er... relevant and wonderful as that suggestion is Chiara, we are still looking to site the aforementioned car park... um, well, below street level."

"Mr Chairman?"

"Yes Maurice."

"Why not build it under Paceville?"

"Paceville... hmm. Charles? What do you think?"

"Naah, too unstable. All that cacophony of noise on the surface would make it quite possible for the whole thing to collapse. And anyway, we hadn't really budgeted for bouncers at the entrance."

"Mr Chairman."

"Yes Chiara."

"Suggestion..."

"Go on."

"If we must construct this confounded car park below ground, why don't we stick it under Dingli Street? That's a pretty run-down part of Sliema/St Julian's. We could - "

"Er - "

"What Maurice?"

"Mr Chairman, I er... I happen to live in Dingli Street, Mon Repos, number 143."

"Oh my dear fellow, I'm so sorry, I'd no idea. I'd no idea you'd fallen on such hard times."

"Mr Chairman, if I might say so... Maurice seems to be being rather selfish about this. I'd have thought he'd have been much more public spirited. Speaking personally, I wouldn't mind in the least having a car park underneath my residence."

"Good for you Gejtu... Er, where exactly do you live?"

"On a yacht in Msida creek."

"Quite so. Any more bright suggestions? Yes, Chiara."

"The obvious... do we really need another car park?"

(Another chorus of splutters emits from the rest of the committee)

"Mr Chairman!"

"Yes Maurice."

"I really must protest. If we fail to agree on the location for a new car park in our area, we will be unable to get the local council to agree to allocate residents a number of reserved parking spaces in the Sliema/St Julian's area."

"So Maurice, let me get this right. You are in favour of a new underground car park in the area, but not anywhere near where you happen to live, right?"

"Spot on, Mr Chairman."

"Having said so, you do now realise what this means, don't you?"

"Er no... go on."

"Quite simply, it means there is only one place we can locate it."

"Where's that?"

"I'd have thought it was obvious... underneath the Sliema Council building. All those in favour say 'nimby'."