Every year I bust my bits trying to bring you the most insanely accurate* Premier League predictions this side of Filfla and, every year, you spend the following few days questioning my sanity.
It has become our little traditional and I now look forward to it in a masochistic, self-flagellating sort of way.
To be perfectly honest, this year’s wave of e-mails and messages have been a bit more balanced than usual. One or two of you even seem to be on my side, although the vast majority still feel I am a few white lines short of a football pitch.
Obviously, the fact that the final part of my predictions came out after the season started gave you extra ammunition to fire in my direction. Arsenal’s humbling and embarrassing defeat at Brentford, for example, drove a dagger through the heart of my suggestion that the Gunners will finish seventh and Brentford bottom.
And the fact that Manchester City contrived to lose their opening match at Tottenham didn’t do much for my assertation that Pep is destined for another title while Spurs will end up mid-table.
Watford’s 3-2 victory over Villa was another knife in the back of my predictions, namely those saying the home side would be joining Brentford in an immediate return to the Championship while the away side wouldn’t miss Jack Grealish.
But I think we should all take a step back at this point and admit its early days and that a lot can, and will, change over the next 37 game weeks. The table itself is almost an irrelevancy until we reach the 10-15 game point.
I don’t normally look back at the previous weeks’ games but, seeing as this was the first weekend, I am going to do just that. And I have to say there were a few performances which stood out.
Manchester United were disturbingly impressive in their 5-1 victory over Leeds. Even bearing in mind that, under Bielsa, Leeds have had their desire to defend surgically removed, this was still a performance that will have sent shivers down the spines of Pep, Jurgen and Thomas.
It was helped by a virtuoso performance from Paul Pogba, possibly the clearest sign you will ever get that the Frenchman is nearly out of contract and looking to flirt his way into PSG’s plans. That would be another great leap for the French club’s goal of becoming the most disliked football team in the entire history of the game.
Pogba was practically unplayable against Leeds, with no less than four assists. If I had any belief that he would keep up those standards for the entire season, then I would ask for a do-over on the predictions and stick United at the top.
But it won’t be long before Mr Pogba loses focus and gets distracted by something – contract talks, a stupid injury, a spat with another player, a José Mourinho tweet, a new haircut – and he will be back to his mostly-anonymous self.
And that’s assuming he is still at Manchester when this transfer window closes. So, on that basis, I am happy to stick with my original prediction of a fourth-place finish for United.
I am happy to stick with my original prediction of a fourth-place finish for United
The other team performance that thrilled me this weekend was Brentford’s in that 2-0 victory over Arsenal. The Bees were making their first appearance in the top-flight for 74 years, a staggering amount of time away from the big time.
Yet it didn’t show.
One of these teams went into the game with just 19 minutes of combined Premier League experience between their players. The other team had three titles and hundreds of thousands of minutes of experience at the highest levels of global football.
But that didn’t show either.
Although it pains me to say it, especially after this opening victory, I still think Brentford will struggle when the adrenalin and euphoria of promotion wears off and the long hard slog of facing top quality teams week after week starts to wear them down. But this showed that they aren’t going anywhere without a fight and that’s all us fans of smaller teams can ask.
Arsenal, meanwhile, are a mess. A much bigger mess than I thought. When they headhunted Mikel Arteta from Manchester City, they thought they were getting the future Guardiola. But the only thing the two seem to have in common is their Spanish-ness and moody good looks (according to some of the women in my life).
Some say Arsenal are still going through a transformation. But, as they have been doing that for the best part of a decade, that excuse is very weak. They have been transitioning for so long I wouldn’t be surprised if they came out as a different sex when the process is finally over.
The final performance that got me excited was at Goodison Park where Rafa Benitez was making his own dangerous transition from the red half of the city to the blue half.
Everton may have had to come from behind against Southampton but the fact they did so in a game that last season they might easily have lost was just what big Rafa needed if he is to win over some very doubtful and dubious fans. He still has a long road ahead but the first step was assured.
One last observation from the first weekend – the fans. Oh my word, how utterly beautiful it was to see them back in the stands, packing out grounds, singing, laughing, shouting, crying.
The past year-and-a-half have been awful in every area of life but seeing football getting back to its spectator-filled best is a glimmer of hope that things could really get properly back to normal.
And with that, I will leave you with my predictions. Again. Firstly, in case anyone missed them last week and secondly just to show you that I am standing by them…
* Blatant lie purely for dramatic effect
Final table
1st − Manchester City
2nd − Chelsea
3rd − Liverpool
4th − Manchester United
5th − Leicester
6th − Everton
7th − Arsenal
8th − Tottenham
9th − West Ham United
10th − Aston Villa
11th − Leeds
12th − Southampton
13th – Burnley
14th − Wolverhampton Wanderers
15th − Newcastle United
16th − Brighton
17th − Norwich City
18th − Crystal Palace
19th − Watford
20th − Brentford
Twitter: @maltablade