Fiche fingers

It is said that at least 33.33 per cent of statistics are made on the spot.

But it is true, apparently, that 40 per cent of American children are non-white, and yet most of what they watch contains no reflection of their race or heritage.

The same may be said of Maltese children; the chances are that of those who have the facility not to, not many Maltese children will willingly sit down in front of Education 22, and occasionally, other local television channels, to watch local fare.

Even though we are now 'European' (have we not always been?) 'like' the British and the Italians, in fact some of our heritage is common, when our children watch 'their' programmes, the fact remains however that it is not made with them in mind.

This feeling was echoed recently in China, where the effect of 'Western influence' was deemed too insidious. By 2007 'popular culture' must, by order, have regained supremacy over 'Western influence' in all provincial television stations, which have been ordered to revert to an ideological frame of mind.

And then we reduce Radju FM Bronja to, literally, a mere echo of Radju Malta 2, a weird sort of 'in stereo where available'.

But whatever the nationality of the children ensconced in front of what is probably their personal television set, experts are adamant that parents and carers ought to follow five basic rules of television-watching. There must be a firm time limit to watching; you cannot allow indiscriminate viewing whenever a child has nothing to do; televisions must come out of bedrooms and are not to provide the background noise for homework.

A child can use his 'ration' of television time in taped television shows; this means he will be able to watch what he has set his heart on when it is more convenient; and there is the added bonus that he can FF through the commercials, gaining himself more time, in a manner of speaking.

This also means that the cardinal rule of hiding the zapper, a.k.a. the remote control, may be brought into force. This action wastes time - and indicates that there is nothing worthy of a child's interest at the moment. Children will learn that there is no need to watch whatever's going on, just to get a break from the books. Parents and carers must make sure that their charges watch some television with them that involves life issues - and that they discuss the upshot afterwards.

We all know how many of today's television series (and trading card games) aimed at children have 'magic' undertones; and now there is the advertisement for two books, ostensibly used at Hogwarts, Harry Potter's Alma Mater, as something more than mere merchandising items.

Quidditch through the Ages and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them will whet fans' appetites for more of the same; and what are our local stations offering as an alternative?

Fame at last. I have been 'personally chosen' by one barrister, Zubrak Daffi, who styles himself as personal attorney to President (I thought only American Presidents could retain the title until death) Charles Taylor of Liberia, to aid him dispose of a magnificent sum of money, etc. The word 'unfortunately' was also included somewhere in the scam-mail.

This, of course, is another strictly personal matter (the habit grows on one) - but I include it in this column with a question and a comment. If I am supposed to get a tenth of the global sum, if I help in its transaction, and nine other mugs do likewise... will there be nothing left for the original owners of the sum, or is this another instance of my fuzzy logic? The mind boggles.

The comment is much simpler to compute; apparently it's not only people who (i) treat us as a bring-in site when they come up with certain television programmes and (ii) expected us to have voted for them yesterday, who think the majority of Maltese are mugs.

General Knowledge questions are really the vermicelli on the cherry on the icing on the cake.

"Whatever happened to the adage that 'the customer is always right'?" asked one of my friends, who had an (also documented) contretemps about a steam cleaner some time ago. "Had 'they' informed you there and then that, hard lines, the prizes had already been delivered to Albania and Guatemala, no doubt you would have applauded the decision. Ah, the foresight of hindsight, as my granny used to say..." You are so right, Maria.

Occasionally, the people who write news scripts come across a 'Maltese word' which they hanker to use somehow, anyhow. However, unfortunately biswit does not 'really' mean next door, but rather, across the road from another edifice.

But the fairest of them all was heard on RTK this week; someone called Anton B Dougall and told him that ir-ragel ihobb il-koxxa tat-tigiega bit-tights ukoll.

To hear Super One, you would have been forgiven for thinking that Malta, Gozo, and all of Comino were blacked out for four whole hours, in temperatures of 40°C in the shade. For Net, however, the story was rather different. It was a mere glitch, and in some cases power was restored virtually within minutes. As they say, there are two sides to every statement - and then there is the truth.