'I’m financially supporting my sick father, but it’s hurting my marriage'

Welcome to The Money Coach, a Times of Malta column where readers can ask questions about life's money issues. Send your questions about personal finances, inheritance, gifting or other personal finance topics to moneycoach@timesofmalta.com

Dear Luca,

I am 42 years old, married and have three young children. My wife and I both work hard, and though we don’t consider ourselves ‘rich’, we lead a comfortable life. When it comes to money we’ve always managed to plan ahead, invest and also provide our children with a good life.

Around two years ago, my father, who is my only living parent, fell seriously ill. Since then I took it upon myself to spend more time with him and help him out financially, because his pension was not enough to cover his necessary expenses. 

Those contributions started small but gradually started picking up. I’m now paying for most of his medications, specialist appointments and other health-related costs. And of course my time spent with him also increased significantly, especially in the last few months.

I have two siblings, both living abroad, and though they do send some financial contributions, it is nowhere close to what I give. Don’t take me wrong, I don’t expect anything big from them, as they earn much less than I do. I always feel this makes me the ‘responsible’ one.

What’s worrying me is the effect all this is having on my own family.

In the beginning my wife mentioned nothing, but now as time passes, I can feel her frustration. The more money goes towards my dad, the less is left for our children. They don't lack for anything, but admittedly it has led to fewer activities, ‘treats’ and most importantly fewer family moments together.

Then lately, during an argument we had my wife accused me of being emotionally absent, saying my mind is constantly wandering elsewhere. To be honest, I’m not saying she’s wrong.

If I stop helping my dad, I’d feel like a terrible son, especially since I know I can help both emotionally and financially. But if I continue, I know tensions at home are going to continue increasing. 

I feel too proud to ask my siblings for help.

How can I do the right thing here? How can I divide the finances in such a way that it is balanced enough to take care of my dad, and make sure my family does not lack anything?

Feeling Trapped

Luca responds:

It's a common dilemma - being caught between being a good son and good husband/father.

Over the years, through this column, I’ve written about inheritance disputes, unequal financial contributions in relationships, and the silent resentment that builds when money is left unspoken. One theme keeps coming back: money rarely creates problems on its own - it exposes the ones we don’t talk about.

First, you have to take care of your household, children and marriage.  Taking care of a parent is another responsibility, and one that in my view cannot be your main one, given you have a wife and children. 

You need to have an honest and open discussion with your wife about what you can realistically contribute per month, both in terms of time and finances, without harming your household. This is not about giving less to your dad, but about sustainability.

Your wife's resentment is not because you want to take care of your father, but because rather because she is not being involved in the financial decisions you are taking. I cannot stress this enough… there must always be conversations before a major decision is made, rather than after.

Your siblings being abroad does not absolve them of their responsibilities. Be honest with both of them and explain clearly what you are covering in terms of expenses and also time. You don’t need to be confrontational, but they must understand the whole truth. It is simply not fair that you’re covering all the expenses by yourself, no matter the financial situation your siblings are in. Their responsibility to your parents remains the same as yours.

In fact, this leads me to something broader. Ideally, conversations about caring for parents should take place earlier, when they do not need care and the pressure is still not too high.  So many families make this mistake and discuss nothing until something happens.

Families don’t fracture because someone needs help. They fracture because one person quietly carries the burden for too long.

I hope this helps.

Luca is the founder of the Money Coaching Hub. Email him your financial questions or your response to today's question for a chance to be featured in a future column.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to provide general information on various topics related to personal finance. The information provided is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as personalised financial advice for your specific situation. Financial decisions are highly individual and can vary greatly based on your unique circumstances, goals, and risk tolerance. The author of this column is not authorised to provide financial advice. Before making any financial decisions, it is recommended to seek professional financial advice from an authorised financial advisor.