The editor didn’t ask me for my predictions for the New Year. Well, why would he? I am, after all, an expert on nothing and have no particular axe to grind. Nor am I paid by the government to run an NGO.
But I thought I’d put in my two pennyworth anyway. And this is what I forecast.
Politics
There will be an election and the present government will walk it. This will be followed by a public opinion poll that shows 85 per cent of the electorate thinks that general elections come round too frequently and are divisive for the population but otherwise boring.
Parliament responds by passing a law saying that the president will now be president for life and the prime minister shall also be prime minister for life. Parliamentary elections in Malta are abolished. The ban on expats having voting rights is now lifted.
A government opinion poll reports that 85 per cent of the population think that’s a good idea.
Clint Camilleri is made Minister for Hunting. The entire Portelli family shares the portfolio for the environment. Eddie Privitera becomes Minister for Justice. Justyne Caruana returns to the cabinet as Minister for Sport.
Law and Order
To mark the new regime, the president announces that, in order to clear the backlog of the courts – where some cases have been pending for more than 15 years – all people who are facing charges or are currently on trial shall be given a presidential pardon. And the courts will start afresh.
In a new initiative, policemen are taken out of their cars and start policing the streets. Anybody heard criticising the government will be arrested and charged with ‘crime against the republic’.
Identity Malta
The George Cross on the national flag will be removed and replaced with an € symbol. The flag of Gozo is redesigned so it now depicts three hills of €100 notes.
Employment
All registered unemployed are taken off the dole and given a government job, for which they are required to turn up for work for at least an hour every week (except for weeks containing a public holiday and during ‘summer’ months). A new government position, director of pavements, is advertised. There are no applicants.
Development
The whole of Malta is declared an ODZ, which means that any new building or redevelopment plans now have to be approved by at least one member of the cabinet.
The George Cross on the flag will be removed and replaced with an € symbol- Revel Barker
Transport
All Maltese residents are made honorary residents of Gozo and so are entitled to a subsidised fare on the ferries. The government scraps plans for a channel tunnel (85 per cent of Gozitans were found to be against the idea) and orders four new car ferries from China. Not having the money to pay for them, it gives the township of Marsa to the People’s Republic of China.
Industry
The Chinese build factories in Marsa and import their own workforce who are all given Maltese passports.
Exports
China renames Marsa ‘Eusa’ and all goods made there are henceforth labelled ‘made in EU’ or ‘made in USA’.
Tourism
In a desperate bid to attract tourism back to the islands, the MTA says that the first seven days accommodation will be free of charge. The GTA, in a statement, applauds this government initiative.
Malta International Airport will relocate its slots for cut-price airlines so that not all departures are at the same time in the morning and arrivals are spread throughout the rest of the day. Passport officers will be advised when incoming flights are expected so that they are not always surprised and unready for them.
Entertainment
The firing of ‘petards’ in any village is limited to one hour.
Gozo
Paul Buttigieg (mayor of Qala, in case you haven’t noticed) is made Minister for Gozo with an unsurprising 85 per cent vote of approval. He promises to finish the current roadworks before the end of 2022, to build a breakwater for Marsalforn, to extend the marina – with a berth for visiting cruise liners – at Mġarr, start work on a ring road for Victoria and make Ħondoq a national park. All that is before he is told that the job entails no executive powers whatsoever.
Comino
The Portellis are tasked to formulate a development plan for Comino, based on a five-storey hotel at the Blue Lagoon.
Health
The Ministry of Health announces the new prospect of Drug Dens. Anybody with a spare garage space can apply for a licence to open one and cannabis joints will be available free, on demand. Smoking spliffs and the serving of alcohol will be permitted inside them but the smoking of tobacco is banned within them, on health grounds.
A public opinion poll shows that 85 per cent of the population agrees that it is “happy”.