If there’s one thing the Maltese can agree on it’s that “the best thing since sliced bread” doesn’t quite cut it here.

In fact, if I were to rebrand that phrase for a local audience, I’d definitely go with “the best thing since the fast ferry”. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the island’s very own superhero – slicing through traffic chaos faster than, well, sliced bread.

But let’s cut to the chase.

Traffic in Malta is an impossible nightmare and sucks all life out of you. If we had more investment in sea transport, maybe, just maybe, we’d all stop feeling like we need a vacation after a simple drive anywhere. 

Once upon a time, 35-45 minutes was the longest you’d spend driving across the island. Now, it could be anywhere from two to four hours. It would be interesting to see stats on how traffic worsens when the fast ferry is suspended. It’s like turning the island into one giant, angry car park.

Take my recent experience on October 19 as an example. I had a plan: catch the 10.45am fast ferry from Mġarr, reach Valletta by 11.30am, hop on the noon ferry to Sliema and arrive at Sliema Pitch 10 minutes early, feeling like a local transport wizard. But no. My seamless sea-slicing adventure was suddenly sea-less when I found out the fast ferry had been cancelled. And, of course, you wouldn’t have known this from their website, which, despite being in the digital age, apparently has a personal aversion to live updates. 

And, so, with my fast-ferry dreams crushed, I was left with no choice but to catch the regular ferry from Mġarr. No biggie, I thought. I’ll just take the 222 bus from Ċirkewwa to Sliema. It’s a Saturday morning, school’s out, how hard could this be? Ah, how wrong I was. 

I arrive at Ċirkewwa and, of course, I’m not alone. Tourists from the ferry piled onto the X1 bus with their suitcases, all headed for the airport. The 42 was right there, practically waving at me like: “Come on, jump on and we’ll get you to Msida in no time.” I decided to delay instant gratification and wait for the direct 222. Big mistake. 

Bus 222 finally showed up a cool 20 minutes late – by which time I was angry, irate and very uncool. The driver, a Filipino, who looked like he had just escaped an action movie, was eating a sandwich and muttering something about “Xemxija closed, Xemxija closed” but I didn’t quite grasp the full scope of the impending chaos… until I saw the traffic pile-up in Mellieħa.

An hour in, we were still trying to wriggle out of Mellieħa. At this point, I started eyeing the emergency exit.

Two hours later, we had barely crawled past Manikata and into Xemxija. I’ve never experienced a bus ride this intense – it felt like one of those hostage situations where you end up forming lifelong bonds with the people seated next to you.

The woman standing next to me, also Filipino, was on the verge of fainting on account of low blood sugar levels, so I made space for her to sit. People were pleading with the driver to let them off the bus like they were trapped in a reality show called ‘Survival: Malta’s Traffic Jungle’. The only thing keeping me from losing my sanity completely was the fact that I wasn’t rushing to catch a flight.

The time has come for the government to get very serious about this traffic mess- Michela Spiteri

Speaking of flights, though, my mind drifted back to the tourists on the Gozo ferry, headed to the airport. I was certain they were stuck in the same hellish jam as me and I suddenly felt sick on their behalf. That’s when my phone beeped – my friend, who was going to the same 50th birthday lunch and had left Mellieħa in her own car, was also gridlocked in the same traffic. Misery loves company, right?

At this point, I resigned myself to my fate. There was nothing else to do but scroll mindlessly through Google, hoping for some explanation for this endless bus purgatory. And that’s when I found it: the reason we were all stuck was due to a car crash in Xemxija.

Feeling wholly justified, I took to Facebook and posted:“One car crashes in Malta, and the whole island crashes.” Cue the moral outrage. Look, I’m not saying I don’t care about the people involved – of course, I do, although it would be interesting to know what caused the crash in the first place. But let’s also be real here – does everyone else have to be punished and suffer as a result?

Once the ambulance has whisked the injured parties away to the hospital, can we not just clear the road?

Because, let’s face it – putting bus drivers in that sort of danger, having to negotiate steep, winding country roads head-to-head is bad enough. One more crash in Manikata would have been game over. 

I mean, you can’t have a major artery shut down for three hours because of one single crash. It’s like closing down a restaurant because someone spills a drink. Malta’s traffic system is fragile enough without turning every fender bender into a national emergency. 

One thing that is crystal clear is that Malta’s traffic situation is a full-blown disaster. I’ve been stuck in enough jams to know that it’s not just a minor inconvenience anymore. 

The time has come for the government to get very serious about this traffic mess. We can’t keep treating every car crash, festa or roadwork like it’s the apocalypse. The fast ferry (and other ferries) help enormously but they’re still not enough. The island is too small for this level of chaos.

So, here’s hoping we see some serious investment in more transport options. Because, right now, it feels like we’re all just playing an endless game of ‘how long can you survive Malta’s traffic before you snap?’