Someone tried the old gag on me last week: what’s the difference between Sheffield United and a triangle? The answer being, of course, that the triangle has three points.

Sadly for him, that joke works best when the team you are mocking has two points on the board. United, humiliatingly, only have the one. One very lonely, friendless point.

On that basis I suggested he may want to think about texting me back and swapping the triangle for a toothpick for greater impact. Then he could always use the triangle at a later stage… if United ever get a second point.

So, where has it all gone wrong for the Blades? How has a team expected to build on last season’s success managed to have the worst start to a season in Premier League history?

There are so many contributing factors, it’s hard to know where to start.

One of the reasons, I suppose, is that United can no longer rely on the element of surprise. Last season, nobody really knew much about them or the way they played with their unorthodox overlapping centre backs. Now it’s a well-known system that’s easy to counter and the manager doesn’t seem to have a plan B.

The absence of supporters has had a disproportionate effect on the Blades compared to other sides, that’s for sure. Lesser teams like United rely on the crowd to give them a lift and provide impetus. Take those fans away and the energy and intensity plummets.

But the real problem is the squad itself.

Several key players are out injured and Dean Henderson – a legend between the sticks over the previous two seasons − has returned to Manchester United so he can watch David de Gea fumbling shots at close range.

Of course, the injuries and Henderson’s departure would be less significant if Chris Wilder had bought worthy replacements and backups. But, unfortunately, his record in the transfer market is atrocious.

Goalkeeper Aaron Ramsdale went down with Bournemouth last season and his confidence looks so low I wouldn’t trust him to catch a cold right now, much less a football. A potty-training toddler has more chance of keeping a clean sheet than young Aaron.

And Wilder’s other purchases have proved to be equally misjudged. He’s bought copious amounts of strikers over the past 18 months – most of them Scottish – and none of them are what you would call prolific. Or even very good.

Oliver Burke, to pick one at random, couldn’t score with a fist full of 20s in the heart of Amsterdam. Through one-on-one with the goalkeeper last Sunday he tackled himself. It was embarrassing.

And Rhian Brewster, don’t get me started on him. £23 million for an unproven youngster. Jürgen Klopp must have been pissing himself when Sheffield United handed over the cheque.

We all want fans back in the grounds as soon as humanly possible

I suspect Wilder vetoing Klopp’s plea for five substitutes is less about the Sheffield manager’s belief that the extra subs would give bigger teams an advantage and more to do with the Brewster deal. Pure revenge.

To summarise, there are a lot of reasons for Sheffield United’s demise – second season syndrome, the lack of fans, dire transfer activity – none of which can be rectified in time to save them from relegation. But the single biggest factor is poor management – bad buys, questionable team selection and rigid tactics.

Wilder has performed miracles over the past few seasons at Bramall Lane, taking an average squad from League 1 to the Premiership on a shoestring budget. But I suspect he has been found wanting at the top level, which is an absolute shame.

I can only imagine the club feels so indebted to him for getting them to the Premier League in the first place that they are hugely reluctant to fire him. Can you imagine any other manager still being in a job after guiding his team to 13 defeats and a draw in his last 14 matches?

Alternatively, it’s because they have asked around and nobody fancies the job. Even in my most optimistic moments I find it hard to conjure up a scenario where a team takes one point from the first 33 and avoids relegation.

I don’t even think Sam Allardyce, so often the saviour of doomed teams, could be tempted to give this rescue mission a go. As much as he likes money, he will know a lost cause when he sees one.

And causes don’t come much more lost than this.

Some clubs getting an unfair advantage

There is something grossly unfair about the fact that some clubs in England can now have fans in the ground, while others are still playing in front of empty stadia.

There is no doubt that having supporters in the stands – even just a couple of thousand – gives players a mental boost.

Yet England’s tier system, which sees different social distancing rules applied to different areas according to their COVID situation, means that some clubs now have fans for their games while others don’t.

I totally understand the need for the tier system. It makes a lot of sense as a means to fight the virus. But when it comes to allowing fans to return, the football authorities should have told the clubs it is either all of them or none of them.

Don’t get me wrong − I know how financially important it is for smaller clubs to have punters coming through the turnstyles; it’s their lifeblood.

But this mixed situation is giving some clubs a competitive advantage over others and that is absolutely the last thing football needs in a season which is already lacking stability and cohesion.

Why should Tottenham and West Ham get the boost of hearing fans singing and shouting on the terraces, while Manchester United and Newcastle have to keep playing in huge, ghostly, echo chambers?

We all want fans back in the grounds as soon as humanly possible. I think everyone is agreed on that.

But letting them in for clubs who are lucky enough not to be in a “tier three” is distorting the fairness of football at all levels.

email: james@quizando.com
Twitter: @maltablade