Actress Steffi Thake talks about her battle with depression. 

What made you decide to leave Malta and move to the UK?

I had been wanting to move away to pursue an acting career abroad for a while. In reality though, the decision to move was a very impulsive one; our rental agreement was coming to an end and we needed to move out.

My husband managed to find a job as a web developer within the first month and there was no pressure for me to find a job, so I began doing research on my own industry, attending workshops, networking and trying to sort out the logistics of moving to a new country.

Would you ever have imagined that clinical depression is something that would hit you?

I already suffered from anxiety and have been dealing with it for about 10 years, possibly more. I am aware that, sometimes, depression and anxiety go hand in hand, but always thought of myself as quite a cheery and happy person and didn't think it could ever hit me so hard.

What was your perception of depression before going through it yourself?

I knew that depression was a horrible mental illness and that it causes suicidal thoughts, but I could never understand why. Going through it, I completely understand now.

I think we take depression for granted and look at it as a ‘bad bout of sadness’, but it is so much more than that. My mental health was always something that I’d been very aware of so I’m quite ‘on it’ when something changes or I don’t feel quite right.

I halted all communication with friends, because I didn’t want to drag them down into this pit of hell that I felt I was living in

When did you realise that something was not as it should be?

There were a couple of instances. I ruined my three-year wedding anniversary celebration. I had had a bad day alone at home while my husband was at work and I remember feeling low throughout the day, and crying a lot. When we went out, I cried at the dinner table in a restaurant and argued with my husband over stupid things. It’s not something that I would normally do.

But it was only when everything started to get worse and I wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning that I started to realise that something wasn’t right.
I would stare out of my window watching people walk by and wonder why I wasn’t living their life, why I was stuck living my horrible life.

I felt like there was no point to my life and I felt guilty for lugging my husband all the way to London to pursue my dreams, only to end up in this totally unsuccessful, miserable state.

At which point did you seek medical advice?

I was suffering. I had suicidal thoughts, floods of tears, lack of motivation to even get out of bed – nearly wetting myself on one occasion because I couldn't find the energy to go to the bathroom.

But it was my lack of appetite that really worried me. I made myself eat because I knew that I needed to, but I couldn't get much down without feeling terribly nauseous.

When I went onto the National Health Service website and found the symptoms of depression I realised that I ticked every single symptom it listed. So I thought that I'd better seek medical help.

It makes you feel like there is only one solution to getting away from the horrible pain and the feelings of guilt – and that is to take your own life to get out of it

How did your life change after being diagnosed?

Before, I had felt like I was just making excuses for my own laziness, but no. This is a chemical imbalance in my brain. At least, now we know why it’s happening.

What are the biggest challenges you face on a daily basis?

Every day is different. Sometimes I start my day well and manage to get out of bed, and then at some point in the day my mood shifts completely and I will not speak or move, but just lie in bed and feel horrible.

Other days I start my day struggling to get out of bed, and by the end I feel fine.
Taking it one day at a time, and accepting my feelings for what they are have helped. Reading up about the illness and other people’s experiences also helps.

How has this affected your profession and your relationships with other people?

My relationship with my husband was definitely affected. There were days where I didn’t want him around at all and it made me question whether we should even be together. When I travelled to Malta for a couple of weeks to try and feel better, I also wanted to be away from him for a while.
I halted all communication with friends, because I didn’t want to drag them down into this pit of hell that I felt I was living in.

Would you say that the condition is taken seriously enough by those who have not been through it?

I don’t think so. I myself didn’t realise how serious it was, until I went through it and read up about it. It makes you feel like there is only one solution to getting away from the horrible pain and the feelings of guilt – and that is to take your own life to get out of it.
Having said all this, since taking the decision to seek help and talk about it, I’ve changed my mentality to “I am getting better everyday” - and I really am!

Dr Mark Xuereb sheds some light on the newest treatments front

While traditional treatment is based on medication and counselling, a relatively new treatment called TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) is also being offered in Malta to extremely positive feedback.

TMS therapy is a pretty revolutionary treatment mostly becasue it is non-invasive, side-effect free and evidence-based. Dr Xuereb explains that it has been used successfully for a range of mental conditions, including depression, anxiety, OCD, fibromyalgia, tinnitus, neuropathic pain, PSTD, cocaine and alcohol dependence, Parkinson’s disease and anorexia.

The treatment, Dr Xuereb says, was pioneered in Malta at Da Vinci clinic, which also offers the services of a crisis team called Crisis Resolution Malta. The team incorporates psychologists, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, social workers, spiritual directors and lawyers with the aim of offering holistic help to those in need.

“TMS is revolutionary because it works within a couple of hours after the first session, and the effects are long term. Each session lasts about 10 minutes, and you simply make yourself comfortable on a chair while the electromagnet does its job. There is no pain – the only limitation is that those who have a metal plate in their heads cannot make use of it,” Dr Xuereb says.

TMS is not only an effective treatment for those who do not respond to pills. It is also increasingly popular among those who are very sensitive to medication or who want a natural remedy.

Dr Mark Xuereb is qualified in psychiatry, emergency medicine and family medicine. He coordinates local crisis teams and can be reached on crisismalta@gmail.com. More information about TMS is available on https://www.facebook.com/TMSMaltaGozo/

This article was featured in the February edition of The Sunday Circle