How to help your child build strong character

It is often said that parents are the first and most important educators of their children - and helping young children learn to read, write and count will undoubtedly help them be successful at school and beyond.

But perhaps a parent's most powerful form of influence is on the more intangible aspects of development: attitudes and aspirations, behaviours and values - in short, the qualities that go to make up a person's character.

Most parents want their children to grow up to be good people, to learn to feel, think and act with respect for other people as well as for themselves. Research has shown that children who grow up with strong, positive values are happier and do better in school. They are also better able to balance their personal wants and needs against those of others and to make positive contributions to society.

On the other hand, if children do not learn proper values and behaviour when they are very young, problems can develop which might have serious consequences as they grow older - dropping out of school, drug use, teenage pregnancy, violent crime...

The most important thing we can do for our children is to help them acquire a strong character; they can then rely on it throughout their lives.

What exactly is a 'strong character', though? Among other qualities, people with strong character show compassion, are honest and fair, display self-discipline, show respect for others, show courage, have a strong sense of responsibility, and maintain self-respect.

These seven qualities - and what you can do to inculcate them in your children - are dealt with here one by one. Setting a good example is paramount.

1. Compassion means being concerned about other people's feelings and needs. It provides the emotional foundation for caring about other people. It allows us to be understanding and tolerant of different points of view, and makes us aware and sensitive to the suffering of others.

You can promote compassion by helping your children think about how others feel. Talk about the point of view of others as you watch TV, read books or discuss other people with your child. For example, ask, "What do you think that character is feeling and thinking?"

Children develop compassion by practising acts of caring and kindness towards others. Show care for others by doing errands for sick neighbours or opening doors for others.

Be open to differences. If your child says "Our new neighbours dress funny," explain that people often wear clothes that reflect their cultures or native countries.

2. Honesty and fairness. Simply put, honesty means being truthful with ourselves and with others. It means caring enough about others not to mislead them for personal benefit. It also means facing up to our mistakes.

Fairness means acting in a just way and making decisions, especially important ones, on the basis of evidence rather than prejudice. It means 'playing by the rules' and standing up for the right of everyone to be treated equally and honestly.

To understand the importance of being honest and fair, children need to learn that living together in a family, community or even a country depends on mutual trust. Without honesty and fairness, trusting each other becomes very difficult, and families - and societies - fall apart.

Be a model of honest relations with others. Discuss with your child what honesty is and is not. Point out, for example, that being honest doesn't mean telling someone you think he looks ugly. Kindness goes along with honesty.

Discuss fairness in different situations. For example, how do we show fairness in our family? Talk about how you try to be fair in your life and work.

3. Self-discipline. This is the ability to set a realistic goal or make a plan - and then stick with it. It is the ability to resist doing things that can hurt others or ourselves. It involves keeping promises and following through on commitments. It is the foundation of many other qualities of character. It also includes dealing effectively with emotions, such as anger and envy, and developing patience.

Learning self-discipline helps children regulate their behaviour and gives them the willpower to make good decisions and choices. On the other hand, the failure to develop self-discipline leaves children wide open to destructive behaviour. Without the ability to control or evaluate their impulses, they often dive headlong into harmful situations.

Talk with your child about setting reachable goals. For example, help him break big tasks into little tasks that can be accomplished one at a time. Have the child pick a task and set a deadline for completing it. When the deadline has passed, check together to see if the task was completed.

Help your child build a sense of her competence. To do this, she needs experiences of success, no matter how small. This builds confidence and effort for the next time. Keep making the tasks just a little more challenging but doable.

4. Respect for others. Respect for others is based on self-respect and is summed up in the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It is the value that makes the world a more decent and civilised place.

People show respect in many ways. They speak and act civilly, avoiding insults, cruel remarks and rude or crude language. They are courteous and considerate of others and treat them fairly. They display tolerance for people who do not share their personal beliefs and likes.

Research indicates that children learn to respect others when they are treated with respect themselves. Constant criticism of a child, negative comments about him and failure to praise his achievements can lead the child to be disrespectful to others.

Practising respectful ways of communicating will show your child how to talk to others with respect.

Help your child to resolve conflicts nonviolently and through methods such as discussion and dialogue.

And teach your child to respect the valued traditions of our society, such as showing respect for elderly people and helping the underpriveleged. Encourage him to do these things.

5. Self-respect. This means taking satisfaction in appropriate behaviour and hard-won accomplishments. People with self-respect also respect others. They do not need to disparage others or build themselves up by bragging or exaggerating their abilities or talents. They do not need lots of money or power to feel good about themselves.

People who respect themselves view selfishness, loss of self-discipline, recklessness, cowardice and dishonesty as wrong and unworthy of them. They have inner strength and are unwilling to let others use or manipulate them. They know that showing patience or tolerance does not mean allowing others to mistreat them.

People with self-respect do not crumble when they fail. They accept mistakes as a part of life. As we help our children set high standards for themselves, we also need to let them know that failure is no embarrassment when they have done their best.

Teaching children self-respect, however, does not mean complimenting everything they do. They also need honest criticism from time to time. When we do criticise, we should focus on things they have done, not on them personally.

Encourage your child to build a positive identity that focuses on his integrity and talents.

Emphasise that character is built upon the decisions and actions a person takes each day.

Work with your child to help him reach his full potential by encouraging him to develop his talents, set reachable goals and honour himself as a unique person.

Teach your child how to choose good values. Help her reason about what are worthy goals and what are proper means to reach those goals.

6. Courage. Courage is the ability to overcome fear in order to do what is right, even if it is difficult or risky. Courage can mean facing physical dangers, but it also can mean standing up for beliefs and making hard decisions on the basis of evidence rather than on what is the easy or popular thing to do. It means being neither reckless nor cowardly but facing up to our duties and responsibilities.

Courage, however, does not mean never being afraid; and children should be told that there are times when it is all right to be frightened and to run away from danger.

Coach your child on how to be brave. Praise him when he acts courageously.

Discuss with your child how to say no. Sometimes children don't know how to say no to friends who ask them to do dangerous or risky things. Teach your child self-protection: Before he acts he must ask himself if the action will break a law or rule; what the risks or consequences of that action would be; and how he can get out of the situation fast, such as by just saying no, making a joke, leaving or suggesting something better to do.

7. Responsibility. Being responsible means being dependable, keeping promises and fulfilling our commitments. It is accepting the consequences for what we say and do. It also means developing our potential.

People who are responsible don't make excuses for their actions or blame others when things go wrong. They think things through and use good judgment before they take action. They behave in ways that encourage others to trust them.

People who are responsible take charge of their lives. They make plans and set goals for nurturing their talents and skills. They are resilient in finding ways to overcome adversity. They make decisions, taking into account obligations to family and society.

Children need to learn that being part of a family and a community involves accepting responsibilities. When each of us acts responsibly, our families and communities will be stronger.

Make agreements with your child and expect him to follow through.

When things go wrong, help your child take responsibility for her part and make a plan to do things differently next time.

Encourage your child to find out more about the world and how his actions may affect others far away.