'I lost my husband and am running out of money. Am I failing the kids?'

Welcome to The Money Coach, a Times of Malta column where readers can ask questions about life's money issues. Send your questions about personal finances, inheritance, gifting or other personal finance topics to moneycoach@timesofmalta.com

Dear Luca,

My husband passed away 3 years ago.  He had a well-paid job, and we had taken out a life insurance policy worth €200,000.

When the money came in, I thought the best thing to do was to maintain the standard of living the children were used to. I wanted to protect them as much as possible, trying to make the loss feel less and less.

I don’t think I was frivolous. But the holidays, extracurricular activities, private lessons, nice things they were accustomed to… they all added up. Now, I’m down to my last €40,000. My children are 3, 6, and 10 years old… and to be honest, I am feeling paralysed and like a total failure.

I earn €3,000 per month as a financial controller. If I chase a higher-paying job, I’ll lose the time I have with them, and that time is precious. But if I don’t, I’m worried that money will run out.

I’ve tried therapy to get through these obstacles, but it didn’t help in everything. The money side was never addressed. I don’t know what to do.

Anxious Widow

Luca responds: 

Nothing I write can replace your husband or the grief you are still carrying. And from your message, it’s clear that money has become a way to soften the pain.

I can sense that you wanted to protect your children from feeling deprived. But I strongly believe that a child’s healing doesn’t come from luxury holidays or expensive gifts. It comes from love, stability, and time spent together. Money can ease life, but it cannot erase grief.

I wonder whether, by trying to keep things like they were when your husband was alive, you may still be living partly in denial. It is only now, with the money running out, that reality is kicking in. That's not failure, it’s actually part of the process of grief. Feeling angry, helpless and even guilty is normal.

What your children need most is not the same lifestyle... it’s your presence and your guidance. And here, I want you to consider one very important thing: children adapt.

If you explain to them gently that life has changed and that you can’t continue at the same level of spending, they will adjust. What feels like a burden for you may actually help them build resilience and gratitude.

Now, to the practical side. You earn €3,000 a month. Many families in Malta live on less than that, even with children. It won’t be easy, but it can be done. The key is to sit down and track exactly where your money is going. Are you spending on multiple holidays? Extravagant activities? Things that feel essential but are not? Start distinguishing between needs and wants.

Here are some steps to consider:

1. Protect your €40,000. Use €20,000 as your emergency fund in a safe, flexible account. The other €20,000 can be put aside to start investing gradually. This is not about fast returns, but about building long-term stability.
2. Rebuild your plan. Write down all monthly expenses. See where cuts are possible - even if it’s reducing holidays from, for example, three a year to one, or scaling down certain extras. This is not punishment, it's survival.
3. Explore income flexibility. I understand that your time with your children is precious. Still, think about ways to increase income without giving it all up. You could remain in your current flexible role, but consider a side business in your field. Or you could move to a higher-paid job and use after-school care (subsidised by government) for support. 
4. Involve your children. Age-appropriate conversations about money are powerful. Sit them down, explain that while things will look different, you are still a strong family.
5. Separate the grief from the money. Therapy may not have worked because the money piece wasn’t addressed. A financial coach (together with therapy if needed) can help bridge this gap; helping you heal emotionally while rebuilding a practical plan.

I know these choices feel unbearable. But you are stronger than you think. By facing this now, instead of when the last €40,000 is gone, you are already taking back control.

I hope this helps.

Luca is the founder of the Money Coaching Hub. Email him your financial questions or your response to today's question for a chance to be featured in a future column.

Disclaimer: This column is intended to provide general information on various topics related to personal finance. The information provided is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as personalised financial advice for your specific situation. Financial decisions are highly individual and can vary greatly based on your unique circumstances, goals, and risk tolerance. The author of this column is not authorised to provide financial advice. Before making any financial decisions, it is recommended to seek professional financial advice from an authorised financial advisor.