I.M. Beck - quote unquote

I acknowledge and applaud my old friend Maurice Tanti Burlò's skill in depicting my sublime beauty last Monday. He captured the very essence of Beck with ease, enshrining me forever on the pages of this journal of excellence.

On the other hand, I'm part of the great history of newspapers worldwide - today (well, Monday) the subject of ribald comment disguised as breathless admiration, if not the other way round, tomorrow lining the bin or wrapping the chips.

Such is life. I hereby record my bid to purchase the original, secure in the knowledge that the Public Accounts Committee will not feel moved to waste its precious time investigating whether I had the friends of a friend's friend advising me on the price and related conditions.

Courting change

Last month, Bill 27, this month the Mediation Act. Next month what, the Judges (Redundancy & Downsizing) Act?

Every politician since the dawn of time has tried to tackle the delays inherent in going to court. I don't mean the time it takes to get through the high security gate positioned at the main door, which seems to serve a function though no one knows what.

I am not referring, either, to the aeons that pass whenever you press the button for a lift or, for that matter, the time it takes to walk from the car park to the Palais de Justice, what with picking your way through the bazaar that infests Kingsgate and avoiding the detritus that litters the thoroughfare.

The step that is now being proposed to make going to court as effective and as painless as possible a procedure is to have compulsory mediation when the judicial lad or ladette forms the opinion that this would be a good idea.

Like all these things, in principle it looks like a reasonable enough idea. Having an impartial person interpose him or herself between the warring parties in an effort to get them to talk and sort out their problem without having to invoke the full majesty of the law, thereby not inconveniencing one of the Republic's Judges or Magistrates, sounds like it should work.

Which it will, if the interposed person has the training and the personality to pull off the stunt he or she is supposed to pull off. There is, of course, another prerequisite, namely the pre-disposition of the parties to come to an amicable settlement.

And therein lies the rub, as they say.

From what I hear from my more learned colleagues, the ones who have their fun and games in the Family Division, mediation there, which is compulsory, hasn't, quite, taken off with the resounding success that was presaged when it was introduced. Stories of so-called mediators whose more proper definition would be "waste of space" have been heard, though they are not as worrying as the stories of the mediators whose sole aim in life seems to be rubbishing lawyers and getting them excluded from the whole process.

You might say that the latter would be a good idea, deep down, echoing Henry the Whichever He Was in his exhortation to "First, Kill all the Lawyers", but if you subscribe to this theory, just remember that when you are feeling hard done by, the first person you reach for is your lawyer. Like it or not, and many non-lawyers just don't like it, you need to be instructed in the law to ensure that the law is respected and all these lay folk meddling in the process of achieving justice are getting to be a bit tiresome, destitute of the appropriate training as they are.

Then there's the pre-disposition of the parties thing. Participants in the litigation game are very often there because they have got it into their thick skulls that they're right and the other is wrong and "it's not the money, Dott, it's the principle of the thing." At this point, I usually find it difficult to hide a snigger, but it remains a fact that we are one of the more litigious races to infest the face of the earth.

Perhaps it's because at the end of the day it remains relatively cheap to trot off to court and waste everyone's time.

Which means that instead of monkeying around with the process, it might have been more effective to raise the cost and ensure that the service was improved at the same time, so that when judgment is handed down, it can be enforced quickly and simply.

Now there's something that the chaps who make policy could try to get their teeth into.

A bit obvious, perhaps?

Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't become a statistician. Then I remember why, I am numerically challenged to the point of getting two plus two right only after three attempts.

That's as may be, as I write elsewhere today, but the point is I have missed out on a pretty nifty money making profession.

Just to take a couple of examples.

A survey by the World Bank, quoted on the BBC, found, wonder of wonders, that political uncertainty is an obstacle to employment producing investment where said political uncertainty reigns.

I mean, astounding or what?

Then we had the University of London, an august and imposing institution to be sure, that came up with the shock horror news that, wait for it, half the Viagra pills sold over the internet might be fake.

Good grief, I am almost speechless. Do you mean to tell me that the offers made to me by e-mail, which try to entice me to send money to a completely unidentified person whose command of English is less than impressive and without any evidence of bona fides, are actually scams?

And there was I, just about to order a gross and a half!

Next I'm going to be told that those offers to give me millions of dollars, that come from Nigeria, are not genuine. My faith in human nature has been truly shaken.

Quoting Miss Daisy

"Thank God, Sir, we live in a democracy, where you can make your protests." This sublime line was delivered by the Right Hon. Anthony "Tone" Blair PC when his speech to the Labour Party Conference last Tuesday was interrupted by a heckler.

The heckler was swiftly hustled out of the hall, not to say ejected onto his shell-likes, which rather tended to give the lie to Mr Blair's warm and cuddly riposte. Not that being given the lie is alien to Mr Blair's experience, of course.

He, along with that other defender of the free world, George Double U, seems to have lied or been lied to on the small matter of that thug's Saddam Hussein's possession of weapons of mass destruction and on the basis of that lie sent people to die or kill in Iraq.

Mr Blair apologised for not getting it right on the WMDs but was adamant that he was one of the good guys for getting rid of that piece of rubbish.

That's as may be, and I tend to agree with his position on it, but the whole reason for getting embroiled in Iraq in the first place was not to rid the world of the Saddam Infestation but to make sure that he didn't deploy the weapons he had. If the reason to invade was to get rid of Saddam, then we should have been told this and we might have stood up and applauded.

As it is, we have this sneaking feeling we were lied to and that the whole reason for invading Iraq was the fact that this fair land has some oil sloshing around and that Bush lad rather likes the smell of oil, good Texan that he is.

Waistlines, stretched

We've just had a rather decent long weekend up North, we have. We stayed at the Ta' Cenc for three nights, and it was a rather good experience overall.

The hotel is a pretty unique place, in that its public areas are superb, the service is excellent and the food very good but the rooms tend to be slightly (very slightly) not quite up to the standard you expect for the price you pay. There's nothing seriously wrong with them, just TV sets that seem to be moderately over the hill and furnishings that have seen better days.

On the other hand, there's a Spa that is very much state of the art, to the extent that I was moved to have a dip, which as those who know me know, is quite an event and then you have the grounds which are quite simply the best in the country.

All in all, a very good break, leaving me poised to tackle the new work season refreshed and rejuvenated.

Sustenance was taken at Ta' Frenc and Il-Kartell, which is where I was inspired to produce the subtle sub-head that leads off this piece of this week's effort to amuse. Both meals were good and well served.

Duty calls

If all duty were to be as pleasurable as the one to which I am calling you now, the world would be a very fine place indeed.

As if you didn't know, Voices will be putting on their show very soon and tickets are on sale. It's very likely that they will be snapped up by the more discerning among us, so might I suggest with all due respect (I love that phrase) that it's about time you made sure you went out and got yours?

Get on with it, why don't you?

Trailing tail

I've spotted an ad for Kissing Sid James, a comedy being put on next weekend at the Manoel. Although the mere thought of smooching Mr James sends me into paroxysms of horror, the piece is by the same author as God's Official, which was one of the highlights last season.

Grabbing a couple of tickets and trying it out seems to be a neat idea from where I'm sitting.

bocca@waldonet.net.mt