In loving memory

"No, no, no! Look he's already said he doesn't want money wasted on building a statue in his memory."

"What about a chandelier?"

"That was a frivolous remark, Geoffrey... unworthy of you."

"No, I'm serious. It'd be very appropriate and much cheaper than a statue... No? Alright then, what about something, you know... practical. I'm sure he'd approve of... practical."

"Like what?"

"I thought maybe a hot-air blower, for cold winter nights in parliament. You could put a plaque on the side... 'In loving mem' - just an idea".

"What about a garden of remembrance?"

"Too tranquil. He never did like tranquil."

"True."

"Um... what about something to do with horses? But, on second thoughts, didn't he rather go off horses after he... well, after he allegedly, you know... fell off one... um."

"True. Back to the drawing-board."

"Er... well, it's a bit radical and frightfully modern but..."

"He likes modern, go on."

"Well what about doing a Damien Hirst"?

"Damien...?"

"Yes, you know. Why not pickle him? I don't mean now, I mean after he... Yeah, we could pickle him in formaldehyde and... I dunno... put him on display."

"Tacky."

"I agree... and anyway, where would we um... display him?"

"Right! They certainly wouldn't take him at the glass menagerie. Can you imagine him peering down on you for eternity? Makes the flesh creep."

"Be a bit like Lenin in Red Square."

"Only this would be Youknowhoo in Red House."

"No way!"

"Absolutely!"

"What about... what about a portrait?"

"I doubt he'd sit still long enough."

"I thought of that. See, my brother-in-law, Salvu, does a lovely likeness from photos. He's in great demand for First Holy Communions, weddings... He'll do you a lifelike likeness, surrounded by green, green trees and blue, blue sky."

"Make that red, red sky."

"Oh yeah... right."

"It's a thought. Could your brother-in-law incorporate the leather-look jacket and the giant buckle?"

"Oh I'm sure he could. He does quite a nice halo as well."

"Forget the halo."

"Call me a killjoy but... I somehow don't think a portrait is quite... him. Why don't we remember him with one of those avant-garde video installations?"

"Er... is that entirely appropriate? I thought he banned the import of video recorders - apart from the ones imported by his ministers, of course."

"Water under the bridge, Geoffrey. Let's try... hard, to be charitable, shall we?"

"Er... on the subject of water. I don't want to pour any of the cold stuff on this meeting but... who's paying for this... memorial?"

"Er..."

"Er..."

"Er..."

"Quite so."

"North Korea."

"Pardon?"

"He loved... sorry, loves North Korea, and they love him. I'm sure they'd be delighted to cough up for a memorial of their old... ally."

"Please Martin! Don't be ridiculous. North Korea are so skint, they're still saving up to bury their last dictator".

"Gaddafi."

"What?"

"He'd love to do his old mate a favour... another favour. He'd pay."

"Erm... sorry to put a damper on that one, Lino. I've already been down that road. The only thing he offered was to name one of his camels after him. I don't think that's entirely..."

"... Appropriate, quite."

"Well, why don't we ask him what he'd like?"

"Oh please!"

"No, listen. If we asked him, he'd be bound to start yelling and saying he didn't want anything. Am I right?"

"Well yeah, that's his usual reaction. But we all know he doesn't mean it. The old git's as vain... vainer than the next man."

"So what? Why not take him at his word, save ourselves a great deal of money and forget the whole thing?".

"Love it! All those in favour?... Carried unanimously. Class dismissed."