Last week I was buying myself a coffee on the way to work when a chap standing next to me in the queue struck up a conversation. My first thought was that he must be intrigued by the overwhelming manliness of my decaf caramel latte. But apparently not.

Turns out he was just an English football fan who was wondering when my annual Premier League predictions would be coming out. Ah, I thought again, how touching! Always nice to meet a fan. Maybe we should have him framed.

“I don’t like your column or your opinion, but I never miss your predictions because they are always wrong and that makes me happy” was the gist of what followed. So, not so much a fan as someone who enjoys wallowing in my failure.

Then again, when it comes to my predictions, he has a point. I mean I’m hardly a football oracle. I rarely get things right, and when I do it’s normally because it would have been harder to get them wrong. Manchester City to win the league last season? I’ve dug up slugs in the garden who knew that would happen.

But, hey! Who am I to deprive this friendly man of his annual pleasure? So here you are mate, my predictions in all their glory. Oh, I’m splitting them in two, by the way, just to build anticipation. So if you want to know how the top half of the table is going to shape up, you will need to come back next week.

That should annoy a certain someone...

I’m thinking of campaigning to have the Blades put back in the Championship with immediate effect

20th: Sheffield United

It’s like the club’s owner misread the memo and is under the impression that promotion to the Premiership costs you £170 million. United have sold their best players, brought in cut-price replacements and are heading into the new season considerably weaker than when they won promotion. In fact, I’m thinking of campaigning to have the Blades put back in the Championship with immediate effect and their Premiership place handed to a team that will appreciate it. Embarrassing, humiliating and destined to be relegated by the end of September.

19th: Luton Town

Although I don’t think Luton will finish bottom because of the shambolic state of Sheffield United, I do sadly think they will also be heading back whence they came. They have dramatically beaten the odds to make it to the top flight in the first place but they are realistic enough to know it is very unlikely to last. So they are buying wisely and getting ready to have some fun. Visiting their tiny ground will be an entertaining, and in many ways humbling, experience for away fans. Kenilworth Road is what real football is all about.

18th: Wolverhampton Wanderers

The third relegation slot goes to a club that is paying the price for living beyond its means. Financial fair play rules have forced Wolves to sell many of their best players over the last couple of months. And that prompted their manager to take a look around the empty dressing room and decide to abandon ship just days before the big kick-off. While on paper they probably still have enough quality to stay up, the unrest, uncertainty and confusion behind the scenes will seal their fate.

17th: Burnley

Vincent Kompany is a cracking young manager who will go places and move on to bigger clubs in the future. But he and his merry band of men will find life with the big boys far trickier than their previous campaign. Last season they had roughly 98 per cent possession in every game but will probably struggle to get out of their own half in many matches this time round, such is the difference in quality. That will mean they need to drastically reassess their tactics, which will take time. But they won’t go down.

16th: Bournemouth

They aren’t new kids on the Premiership block, having been around the top flight for most of the past decade, but somehow it always feels like they are on borrowed time. I don’t mean that disrespectfully, but they are a small club, with a relatively small fan base and a small ground. They just aren’t your traditional Premier League outfit. But credit to them for staying up last season after a horrendous start and they will do the same this time round.

15th: Nottingham Forest

What I like about Forest is that they stuck with Steve Cooper last season when many clubs would have looked at their league position and pushed the panic button. But their faith paid off as he eventually guided them to safety. I’m not entirely sure they will do any better than last time round, but there are worse teams in the league, including one in red and white stripes that doesn’t even want to be there. And that’s why Forest will survive.

14th: Everton

When you talk about the current version of Everton, the phrase ‘the mighty have fallen’ always springs to mind. But, in truth, it’s been a long time since they were mighty. And they haven’t yet completely fallen. This year they will once again be part of the relegation battle – it’s their new thing – but Sean Dyche will keep them up more comfortably than last time. That new stadium with its fresh start and renewed hope can’t come quickly enough.

13th: Crystal Palace

When Roy Hodgson started out in football management, everyone played in black and white, and you could only ‘watch’ games on the radio. But the world’s oldest football manager is undoubtedly a safe pair of hands, which is why Palace turned to him when things went pear-shaped last season. They won’t have any scares on Roy’s watch, but they won’t be making a surprise challenge for the title either. Making sure Roy doesn’t nod off during this season’s extra-long matches may be their biggest challenge.

12th: Brentford

If you are going to break the rules, you might as well do it in style. Which is what Brentford striker Ivan Toney did. Not only was he found guilty of 262 breaches of the betting rules, 13 of those were for betting against his own team! As a result, the club’s star striker will be watching from the sidelines till January, which might see them struggle for goals. But Thomas Frank has built a resilient team whose home form alone should be enough to see them enjoy mid-table tranquillity. Which is a pity, because Toney has a tenner on them going down...

11th: West Ham United

Any team would miss a player like Declan Rice, and West Ham are no exception. But sometimes when a star man departs, the rest of the players seize the chance and raise their game to a whole new level. Those are the words David Moyes repeats to himself every morning when he gets out of bed and walks past his Declan poster on the wall. Seriously though, I think West Ham will actually have a better season than last thanks to their (probable) new additions. Edson Álvarez is quality, Harry Maguire can shine out of the United spotlight, and I think James Ward-Prowse may be the signing of the season. A good outside bet for a domestic trophy, I suspect.

And that’s your lot for this week. Stay tuned for your top ten next Sunday...

E-mail: james@quizando.com

Twitter: @maltablade