This month, we are celebrating 10 years of the Labour Party in power. We have been accused of not throwing a proper celebration mass meeting to mark this important milestone because, according to these jealous and bitter people, we are ashamed of our track record. Indannati! Ashamed? Kburi! I am proud, I tell you, proud! But we’re trying to save money because we need it to keep other people happy.

I confess, I don’t remember much of the early years because I was busy taking our family’s laundry to be washed by the presidential staff at San Anton, planting trees in the presidential garden to commemorate my daughter’s baptism and basically being treated like the crown prince of Malta. I am now its prince, because the title of king is still hijacked, although I was very glad to learn that his crown is slipping. I can’t wait to get my grubby hands on it. I love shiny things, like the boat I have moored in Sicily.

We’ve had 10 years of outstanding success. We’re the envy of the world. Joseph Muscat’s people grumble that I hardly contributed to Labour’s successes because I was busy collecting direct orders (so what’s new, everyone pigs out) but they forget that I drove Labour voters to the polls in my own car, that’s why I am the people’s prime minister. I am so humble.

Yes, humility is key when lording it over the people. But it’s a drag to keep denying my multi-million euro property portfolio, even because I like to show another Qormija Laburista how to really make hay while the sun shines, so when a tikka of it finds its way into news portals that the Labour Party doesn’t control, I throw some cheques at the great unwashed and hope for the best.

But our greatest success is keeping our corrupt politicians out of jail. I think that the best decisions Labour has ever taken is in the choice of attorney general and police commissioner. They are such suldati tal-azzar, gotbless. They both take so much flak for the team. Victoria Buttigieg is so distracted with the enemy fire of the pesky NGO, which I refuse to name, that she is prone to make mistakes, miskina. She has no choice other than to let our friends, erm, no, the accused go free.

As for Angelo Gafà, he’s such a good boy. Ma, he gave me such a fright when he said that he will be going after Pilatus Bank a few months after his appointment. That would have gone against the patt imxajtan struck with you know who. I panicked so hard, thank God I was on my boat, out of reach of The Spouse, even though, apparently, she can swim long distances.

Yes, 10 years. Labour never had it so good- Alessandra Dee Crespo

Gafà has learnt his lesson, ta. He is now busy sewing new uniforms for the police force (don’t tell him that they all look like Super Mario) and spraying the new fleet with the most lurid colours. I was told that it’s on purpose. You know, Gafà says he is investigating a lot of institutional corruption (I hope not), so with these new colours, the corrupt politicians can see the police coming.

Except for that poor man who stole a can of tuna and the old guy with the chickens. But you can’t let the people do what they like, hux? The little people, at least, should know that I am boss. I am so proud that the institutions work when I say so. It’s a superpower. Better than bodybuilding.

I hate it when people keep reminding me that I am the continuity candidate. Not true. I do everything indifferently, as long as I have the time to go on my boat or develop any of my properties. Muscat cares too much about his image, although I don’t know what he’s thinking speaking from his washroom, so pathetic, when he can speak from the state property he gave himself instead. I really hope he is proud of me for defending Steward they’re my boss.

U le, I don’t mind sounding like I have hit my head as long as I keep talking. I hate silence. It reverberates in my head. So I come up with these soundbites ‒ “Humility is the weapon that dismantles other people’s arrogance” ‒ because it gives me gravitas and makes me sound statesmanlike. I miss San Anton Palace so much.

Yes, 10 years. Labour never had it so good. We get away with everything. We don’t take responsibility for anything. We go one better. We circle the wagons and accuse others of treachery. Deflect, deny, distract. I have it tattooed on my bicep. That’s why I like to flex it a lot with the little people. Invictus, indeed. FYI, Muscat, I would need that crown soon.

In closing, I am really miffed that I have not come out with the slogan that defines this era: “I don’t care, everyone pigs out.” That’s why I don’t fire Rosianne. She speaks for everyone in the party and we secretly want to be her or with her? I get confused sometimes.

They keep telling me to say things like I mean them. But I do. Every word. Kburi!

* The leaked text of Robert Abela’s Sunday sermon (not really, but one can dream).

Alessandra Dee Crespo is vice-president of Repubblika.

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