Letters to the shredder

It will certainly not have escaped your notice that both The Times and The Sunday Times carry a great many readers' letters.

But we actually receive a good deal more than the ones passed for publication. These are a combination of the profane, the weird and the just plain soporific. These never see the light of day... until now. No, I'm not going to air any of the downright filthy ones... yet. But here is a sample of the typical reader's letter that gets shredded, forgotten in a dusty filing cabinet, or, in the case of e-mails, either deleted or, worse, circulated around the office.

Holiday of a lifetime

Last week my wife and I returned from a holiday of a lifetime in your beautiful island of Malta. We stayed at the friendly and informal Hotel Collapso in the village that time forgot - Paceville. I just had to write and tell you how refreshing it was to stay among such friendly and sweet-natured people, especially Paulo, who waited on our table every single evening of our stay. It was thanks to Paulo and others like him that made our trip so memorable.

However, there were just one or two little irritations that I would like to point out to your readers, all in the interest of others, so that they may enjoy your wonderful hospitality as we did.

Your buses are rubbish, their drivers are ignorant pigs. The streets are filthy, your shop assistants ignorant and rude. Your parking attendants are licensed bandits, the noise at night and well, all day, is a bit like living under a jumbo jet as it takes off. Everything is too expensive and the whole island needs a good spring-clean. Get your act together Malta, before it's too late!

But don't let my few little caveats influence you one jot, if you were actually idiot enough to be thinking of visiting the darling little island in the sun.

And that's another thing - are you going to pay for my skin cancer radiation therapy? See you next year.
Gordon and Eileen Grotte, Exeter.

Heritage vandals threaten to strike again

I know your readers will agree with me when they learn of the wanton destruction of yet another national treasure in - what the developer concerned claims is - the interests of 'progress'.

I can hardly believe it myself, but the Mepa notice attached to the edifice of this important old building assures us that - and I quote: "This building is to be demolished and a supermarket and car park built in its stead." Again I'm certain that your readers will be even more appalled when I tell them that the historic old building threatened with destruction is - wait for it - the Stop and Top Up filling station on Zabbar Road, Fgura.

This wonderful example of early Mintoffian architecture has regaled this same location since the 1970s (or so archaeologists believe). And now it is to be torn down and replaced with a shop, for God's sake.

I am not going to take this lying down, or standing up, so on January 18 I am organising a mass march and lie-in on the site of this soon-to-be-no-more national treasure. I am calling on all men (and women) of conscience to join me in my untiring endeavour to save this wonderful piece of our Maltese heritage.
George Bonkers Bonnici Grech, St Julian's

And on a similar subject, how about this?

I am sick and tired of all these living-in-the-past missives to your newspaper, demanding the rebuilding of the Opera House. Why? Why rebuild such an elitist white elephant as an opera house in this day and age?

No, what is needed in that location is a building that will be utilised by all Maltese, whatever their political leanings or IQ. That site should be rebuilt as a decent-sized public lavatory. God knows we need one there. I've lost count of the times I've been caught short in the vicinity of Freedom Square and been faced with just three alternatives: join the throng that regularly take a leak on the toxic steps of the Yellow Garage; cross my legs; pee in my pants.

I won't tell you which alternative I've been obliged to opt for in the past. So act now before we become a nation of incontinents.
(Name and address withheld)