Exhausted and under hurried breath I dragged myself out of the shower, keeping my hands close to my body so as not to touch anything that could set the cycle off again. The shower mat, used to dry wet feet, was oversaturated with the water dripping from my naked body. Water which had by now overflowed and was creeping past the bathroom door and onto the parquet flooring of my bedroom.

I made my way to the mirror and slowly lifted my gaze until I caught sight of my sorry self. Breathing heavy and with tears in my eyes, I told myself it was going to be ok before proceeding to wash my hands – my hands which were by now barely recognisable as my own. My palms resembled that of an old man rather than that of a 27-year-old male. The skin around my knuckles was red raw, peeling and full of tiny cuts.

When a splash of soapy water landed on the floor instead of the sink, my chest tightened, and my heart started racing. ‘That wasn’t supposed to happen!’. Before long I get the overwhelming urge to enter the shower and repeat the whole process from scratch until I ‘get it right’. Trying to fight it, I tell myself it’s ok. Not long after that, I enter the shower and start all over again.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, is a wide-ranging mental health disorder that causes unwanted obsessions, compulsions and or intrusive thoughts. Now, most people at some point in their lives will have had obsessive thoughts. However, this does not necessarily equate to someone suffering from OCD. 

The International OCD Foundation states that in order for a diagnosis of OCD to be made, “this cycle of obsessions and compulsions becomes so extreme that it consumes a lot of time and gets in the way of important activities that the person values”. These unwanted thoughts can be deeply disturbing and debilitating for that individual to go through and are generally accompanied by disproportionate and intense feelings of guilt, shame, fear and disgust at oneself. 

That excerpt you read at the beginning was pretty much my everyday routine during the height of Malta’s first COVID-19 lockdown. Indeed, COVID and the necessary restrictions that came with it created a level of uncertainty and anxiety in our lives which many of us had never before experienced. People who would not normally consider themselves as anxious were finding themselves under increasingly high levels of stress as they came face to face with their own mortality (including the fear of losing a loved one) coupled with the general disruptions to daily live. For those suffering from anxiety or some form of mental health issue, the day-to-day chores which one may take for granted will be difficult enough as it is. Therefore, the onset of COVID combined with lockdown will have undoubtedly exasperated those issues.

My OCD was around well before COVID, but up until then I never had any issues with repetitively washing my hands. But in the summer of 2020, I would go through a whole bottle of soap dispenser within a day sometimes, washing my hands to the point of exhaustion and beyond, until they were red. It just never seemed to be enough. The worry of possibly contaminating someone was just too great! And in that moment of anxiety, of pure panic, you feel as though you will never be able to gain closure unless you do ‘this thing’ which deep down you know is illogical. What is meant by ‘this thing’? 

By this thing, I am speaking of a “coping mechanism” to deal with the intrusive thought. However, this is counter-intuitive because this coping mechanism turns into an obsession being repeated many times over beyond the realm of what would be considered rational.

Another perhaps unforeseen consequence of COVID for those with mental health issues has been cancellations in appointments. There are also those who felt unsafe or were unable to make the trip to their mental health clinic due to their age or some underlying health condition – or just fear in general.

However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. According to official Government figures, as of February 5, a total of 33,477 vaccine doses have been administered in Malta. Of those numbers, 6,457 have been second doses of the two-part vaccines.

COVID is still with us but with proper social distancing and mask-wearing, we will hopefully all be able to return to some semblance of normality soon. Until then, I know how exhausting and draining it is to have this anxiety and fear running through you and I can’t imagine anyone having to go through that alone.

I was lucky enough to have great support from my family and girlfriend. Support which spurred me to eventually see a psychiatrist and seek medical advice. I am in a much better place today because of that support and the help of staff at the Qormi health centre or Bloom psychology clinic in Msida. 

But not everyone is this lucky. It is therefore vitally important that these mental health institutions are aided and remain operational. 

Alex Teoli is a British-Maltese freelance writer and aspiring author with a love for rock climbing and football.