Lost at sea aboard the world’s biggest cruise ship

It takes me just one hour to make the first of many rookie mistakes aboard the Legend of the Seas.

I’ve just had a friendly chat with an Italian journalist called Paolo, and as we say our goodbyes, I suggest grabbing a beer later. After all, we’re both aboard the same ship.

I never see Paolo again.

That’s what happens when you’re sailing aboard a ship that’s 365 metres long and can sleep all the residents of Balzan, Lija and Floriana combined.

As far as cruise critics go, I am a distinctly wide-eyed one. There’s no luxury boating on my travel CV. Blame it on a youth spent reading Joseph Conrad. A week at sea sounds like misery, compounded by seasickness.

Still, I’ll try anything once. So off I go, on a four-day jaunt on Royal Caribbean’s latest and greatest vessel, for what was effectively its maiden voyage from Malaga to Rome.

I soon discover that on a ship this big, trying everything once is easier said than done.

Everywhere I go on board, there is something to do, eat or drink. I head to the gym, take a wrong turn and find myself in a video game arcade. I wander around a deck and discover a basketball court. My daily cruise guide lists opening hours for a milkshake bar that I never manage to find.

I soon discover that on a ship this big, trying everything once is easier said than done

Make no mistake, this is a monster of a ship: the largest passenger vessel in the world, captain Sindre Borsheim proudly notes when we speak on the ship’s bridge.

It’s a loud ship, too. Everything is brightly coloured, and there seems to be a speaker, band or DJ on every corner. 

I struggle to find a quiet corner until day three, when I discover a hidden pool area at the far end of the ship aptly called The Hideaway. I grab a cocktail (non-alcoholic, it’s 10am), sink into a whirlpool and take in the view of the Tuscan hills.  

My cabin, all relaxing oak and navy blue and with a balcony onto the sea, is my own personal quiet space. As a cruise novice, I assume the balcony is standard, until I mention it to a group of Spanish travel agents and get daggers in reply. Some cabins have no windows at all, I am told, while others overlook the ship’s interior.

Those with the deepest of pockets can shell out for a family suite or even a multi-storey townhouse suite that has its own cinema and slide. The suites are on the restricted access deck 18 – a gated community within a floating one. There are always levels.

The upper decks host many pools and bars; in the ship’s interior is a green walkway dubbed ‘Central Park’.

A city at sea

A city at sea comes with the infrastructure to match. All the ship’s water is produced onboard through massive RO systems. Waste is separated by hand and then sold to recyclers. The engines are 95% fuelled by LNG.

None of that erases environmental questions around cruising, but it makes this floating city less wasteful than I imagined. Research suggesting bigger, newer ships have a smaller per capita carbon footprint also reassures me. Ships don’t get any bigger or newer than this, after all.

On day two, I wander down the colourful corridor of Ocean Adventure, the ship’s kids’ club. There are nurseries, a play zone and free activities during the day and paid nighttime babysitting up to 1am. I think about all the things my five-year-old could entertain herself with aboard this ship, if only she and my wife were here with me.

The sports bar is packed; I join the crowds to watch Germany get knocked out of the World Cup by Paraguay. The schadenfreude quells my solo travel guilt.

The next day, I make my way to a part of the ship I have not yet explored.  I try, and fail, to find a cocktail the two staff members at this secluded bar cannot make. One is from India, the other Zimbabwean. They are 80-odd nationalities among the ship’s crew. 

Upon entering the ship, you are greeted by a massive, LED-lit sphere Royal calls The Pearl.

Tom tells me he’s excited to be sailing in Europe for the first time and wants to catch an FC Barcelona game before the Legend of the Seas moves to the Caribbean in the autumn. Puni tells me she intends to work her seven-month contract − her fourth with Royal − and then take a holiday. 

I drink a Negroni Sbagliato, the cocktail of the day, then try the ship’s water slides.  A little cartoon gauge at their entrance rates them as ‘extreme’. One sends me tumbling down and around a neon-lit tube at ridiculous speeds before dumping me into a pool under the gaze of a grinning lifeguard. I realise I should have probably tried the slide before the Negroni, not after. Sbagliato. 

That evening, I’m booked for dinner at the Hollywood Supper Club – one of two speciality restaurants exclusive to the Legend of the Seas.

A Jessica Rabbit lookalike sings into a microphone. Our waiter, Andrew, is both better looking and better mannered than me. A low bar, admittedly. 

Compared to the energy of the ship, cabins are an oasis of tranquillity.

Andrew and his colleagues bring us plates of langoustine pillows, lobster gazpacho and Wagyu filet steak. Each course is paired with a specific cocktail – a Sunset Martini for the caviar, an Old Fashioned for the steak. Even dessert has its own boozy sidekick.

Andrew tells us we’re welcome to just sip the cocktails. Nonsense. I leave considerably merrier than I arrived. 

I am never hungry: the food ranges from fantastic (I keep returning to the chilli beef tacos at El Loco Fresh) to functional (buffet fare at Windjammer all tastes rather bland). 

For more niche dining options – think steakhouse, sushi, haute cuisine –  you’ll need a reservation and be willing to pay. Alcohol is also charged, unless you fork out for an all-inclusive beverage package.

From water slides to a sports court, you are truly spoilt for choice.

What won’t cost you is the entertainment, which is all free. Shockwave sees chiselled acrobats falling from the sky and rising from beneath the water. Fusion combines expert ice skaters with dozens of miniature drones. A Charlie and the Chocolate Factory musical could be straight out of London’s West End. 

At dinner one evening, I’m seated between a Canadian travel magazine publisher and an Irish travel journalist. They are cruising old hands; they speak of the ship’s ‘aft’ (its rear) and of their ‘Seapass’ (cabin keycard). I tell them I’ve never been on a cruise ship before.

You’ve started with the best, they both say. There are plenty of cruise liners, but none quite like this one.  Not this big. Not this grand. Not this varied.

Legend of the Seas will spend the summer months in the Mediterranean, sailing between Barcelona, Marseille, Naples and Rome. It is the first time a Royal Caribbean Icon Class ship is sailing in Europe.

Six courses, six cocktails at the Hollywood Supper Club.

I return to terra firma with my expectations upended. Will I be going on a cruise every year? Unlikely. But for pure escape, it is a hard holiday to beat. I had set off half-expecting to be the Ahab to this Moby Dick of a cruise ship. By the time we reach Rome, I’m thinking about getting my family onto one.

Trips on Royal Caribbean’s Legend of the Seas can be booked exclusively through Executive Cruises, the fully Maltese-owned, top-selling distributor for Royal Caribbean Cruises in continental Europe. Executive Cruises has been the exclusive sales agent for Royal Caribbean in Malta since 2005, providing Maltese travellers with expert advice, dedicated local support, and direct access to Royal Caribbean's world-class cruise experiences. 

Prices start from €1,450 per person, including port taxes and charges.

Bertrand Borg was hosted by Royal Caribbean. Times of Malta retained editorial control of content.