Sunday is Mother’s Day. It is a time to celebrate those women who have raised or are raising children but also a time to remember that they are not just mothers  -  they are daughters, sisters and lovers. They are women. Sarah Carabott shares some thoughts and asks four of these women to share some pearls of wisdom for other parents and children.

The author’s reflections

When the midwife handed me my son nearly three years ago, I waited for that sudden magic spark of motherhood and all the fuzzy feelings that I had heard of for so many years. Instead, I was overcome by a sense of fear for this tiny, naked, slimy being who was nothing like I had imagined him to be during those sleepless nights of pregnancy caused by heartburn and cramps.

And as I slowly started coming to terms with this new sense of caring I had never felt before, while the afterpain of childbirth became too real, I started to panic: what had I done? How could I have brought a vulnerable being into this cruel, cruel world? How am I going to protect him from cars on busy roads? How could I protect him from heartbreak? From bullying, harassment, false allegations of molestation?

The months rolled by of course and on the first day of nursery, I expected him to bawl his eyes out. Instead, I was the one who did all the crying. And the questions returned: does that mean he doesn’t miss me? Is he bottling everything inside? Is that why the sound of his cries increased a notch at other times of the day?

No one ever prepares a mother for the guilt baggage that arrives with every child we birth, foster, adopt or take into custody. Wherever you go, whatever you do, that guilt will follow you. It’s part of the minuscule text in the terms and conditions of Motherhood. This guilt is probably made more real because we live in a world that is penned, dictated, produced and directed by an overly male cast.

That is why for this Mother's Day, we asked the protagonists for their own tips for those who have similarly, in some way or another, embarked on the motherhood journey.

Believe in yourself - Stephanie Fabri

For Stephanie Fabri the motherhood journey started in August 2020 – the moment she got to know she was pregnant with her son Pippo. The economist and University of Malta lecturer was 34 years old at the time and will never forget the moment the midwife handed her Pippo. Memories of that instance still bring tears to her eyes 12 months later. One year into her new role, Stephanie knows that the single most challenging thing for her as a mother will remain making sure she helps her son develop his best qualities in life while being a good guide and role model for him.

Dear parents…

• Ignore toxic and judgemental messages from other parents: there is no such thing as a ‘perfect parent’. Believe in yourself, be yourself and teach your children to do the same.
• There are no ‘mama’ and ‘papa’ duties - there are only parent duties. This means that house-related and children-related responsibilities must be shared.
• Be independent and teach your kids how to be independent. If possible, do not give up on your job/career - independence means freedom to make choices and living the life you deserve.
• Know that it is not just the responsibility of educational institutions to teach our children. Parents are children’s first teachers and quality education begins at home. Facilitate better learning and inspire your children, helping them achieve their dreams.
• Building a retaining a bond as a family is a lot of hard work. It is not always easy to find the necessary time to connect. Parents need time with their children but also time for themselves to recharge.
• Take lots and lots of videos and photos - children grow up so fast.

Dear children…

• Play, have fun, be happy, be kind, and enjoy life.
• The world is your oyster. You can achieve your dreams if you work hard. There are a lot of opportunities out there waiting for you.
• Make sure you find your passion: do what you love doing and look for things and people who inspire you. Be true to yourself and others.

Focus on your achievements - Vanessa Conneely

As a mother-of-three, Vanessa Conneely has three best moments of her life: the birth of her daughter Salome and her son Luan, and the recent arrival of her adopted son Ariyan to Malta. Vanessa first became a mother in 2014, when, at 35, she was working as a TV producer for Aljazeera in Doha. Back then, her husband had been made redundant, so she returned to work when Salome was 10 months old, with Cian taking on the role of a stay-at-home dad. Eight years on she knows that the single most challenging thing about motherhood remains trying to achieve a work-life balance. She has not worked since having Luan last year and really misses her job, however, she admits it is very difficult to find a job that allows her the flexibility to work and still be there for her children.

Dear mothers…

• At the end of the day think about the things you have achieved, not the things you have not. 
• It is also important to have a strong support network of other women and mothers: I would be lost without my friends with who I can laugh and cry about what it's like being a mother.
• Keep talking and explaining to employers and politicians why the workplace is not designed for working parents. I know too many parents who are stressed out trying to work and balance childcare. We need to stop pretending this cannot be done.

Dear fathers…

• Set a good example, especially for your sons. If the world is safer and more equal for women in the future, everyone in society will benefit.
• You are doing a great job, but it was very obvious during the pandemic that more often than not, women's careers suffered when the decision had to be made about who did the home-schooling or sacrifice their work/life balance. You’re best placed to break this cycle.
• Take the breadwinner pressure off yourselves and prioritise the 'mental load' at home, such as remembering all the little things like birthdays or school-related tasks.

Dear children…

• Be as sustainable as you can and think carefully about how you can earn and spend your money.
• Eat healthily. Note to parents: at birthday parties allow them to eat what they want and it can help them learn to self-regulate.
• Learn how to be independent. Go to college knowing how to cook, pay a bill and being a decent roommate.

Enjoy every moment - Marlene Farrugia

Marlene Farrugia, who has spent more than half her life being a mother, knows that the single most challenging thing about motherhood is giving all one’s got 24/7 to provide the children with the best one can imagine. This, she knows, is especially relevant for mothers who are also breadwinners. Marlene herself was at work in 1989, when, aged 23, she was 41 weeks pregnant with her first daughter Jennifer and her waters broke. She stayed on to extract one last wisdom tooth as she did not want to let the patient down. Marlene did not stop working throughout her pregnancies, returning to work as soon as possible.

Leaving her babies – including Greg who was born in 1991 and Marija who was born in 1998 – to go to work every day was heartbreaking but she knew that giving up practicing her profession would be mind-breaking.  Marlene, who spent 20 years in frontline politics, tried to find a balance to remain the best person she could while raising her children. More than three decades since embarking on this journey, Marlene will never forget the first kick in her first pregnancy. She compares the feeling to that of a feather stroking the depth of one’s soul.

Dear mothers…

• No matter how bad things get, how exhausted you are, how lonely or hurt you feel at times, just live all the singular moments with your children, creating as many positive memories as you possibly can.
• It is a tough world, and you cannot protect your kids from sadness and potential upheavals in their lives. But they will have the cushion of nice memories to comfort them and propel them forward to create new memories for themselves and eventually their offspring.
• Make time for yourself to heal after birth, restore and grow into the job of motherhood.
• Do not lose touch with yourself while bringing up kids. Transitioning from daughters, to lovers, to mums to invisible menopausal women while remaining to be ‘everything for everyone’ is tough. But if the changes are embraced and celebrated, the effort will be worth it when the nest empties and we ourselves become the alone mum or granny that we love hanging out with.

Dear fathers…

• Manifestly cherish and love the mothers of your children and your children unabatedly. Even when families break down, children need to feel the love (albeit of a different kind) that transcends physical separation.
• Know that the most crucial time to bond with the mothers of your children is in the first few months after childbirth when the mum needs most support. That trying, intense time is an opportunity to weld a relationship that can develop and grow.

Dear children…

• Cherish your mothers till the end if you wish to keep developing into better, complete human beings. There is no love like a mother’s love. 
• Understand your mums were once children who were brought up by parents under a set of rules. When a rule or an admonishment doesn’t make sense, just discuss it with your mum. Do not shut her out: that’s very painful.
• Remember that mums are human beings who have to deal with rollercoaster changes in their lives and bodies brought about by motherhood. This means that no matter how hard they try they too will have moments of weakness and will make mistakes. Forgiveness is key.

It’s the simple things that matter - Kelly Macdonald 

For nine years now, Kelly Macdonald has been rising to the challenge of maintaining balance in her life while raising four boys. Since giving birth to her first son Jack in 2012 aged 26, Kelly has always been weighing out priorities. Like most working mothers out there, she has not yet managed to shake off the guilt feeling of not being on top of everything. Most of the time, however, she is making memories with her four sons: Jack (nine), Adam (eight), Dean (seven) and Hugh (four). When all is said and done, it is these endless memories that will remain with her: from the everyday cuddles to the big adventures and being present for all their firsts and milestones. Her fondest memory remains taking her children out on her late father Ian’s boat for the first time and watching them re-live her childhood. Apart from the sentimental side of it all, Kelly believes that relaxing day remains memorable because of its simplicity.

Dear mothers…

• Kids don’t need lots: they just need you. I’ve spent ages planning activities, parties, days out and holidays… yet the best fun we have is when it’s simple and I’m focused on them, such as hide and seek in the countryside, swimming in March or watching a movie all cuddled up on the sofa.
• Organisation is worth the effort and saves time and stress in the long run. I keep a very elaborate Google calendar, have charts and posters all over the flat with their schedules and routines, use post-it notes for reminders in my car and on mirrors and try to dedicate an hour or so a week to ‘life admin’.
• Don't forget the wipes. 

Dear fathers…

• In all activities - whether school related or recreational - don’t underestimate the value of your presence.
• Children look up to their fathers and that is both a responsibility and a blessing. Be the role model that you want your children to be for their children.
• Don’t forget the wipes.

Dear children…

• Be smart about your time:  prioritise being outdoors, practicing sports or games and playing with your siblings or friends. Screen time should come after all that is done.
• When you say or do something, think about how it will make other people feel. You may want to make a silly noise or a joke, but if it’s annoying or it hurts someone’s feelings, it’s probably nicer to avoid it altogether.
• Have fun and don’t worry about the mess. Your parents have wipes. 

This story was first published in Sunday Circle, a Times of Malta publication.