A few weeks ago, the planets aligned: Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn were visible in the sky in the exact order that they assume in our Solar System.

I witnessed that magical alignment with glee. More recently, I witnessed a more sinister alignment with sorrow.

A Latvian, who apparently would find it hard to buy a pastizz, managed to land a nice cosy job at the European Commission Representation in Valletta. One of the requirements stipulated that the applicants must have a good command of Maltese.

The commissioner, quickly and unashamedly, but very embarrassingly, came to his rescue. Valdis Dombrovskis, the European Commissioner for Trade, is a Latvian himself. What a coincidence.

The person in question, Martins Zemitis, used to be the parliamentary assistant to MEP Richard Piks, as well as the deputy head of the European Commission Representation in Latvia. What a coincidence.

He also happens to come from the same political family as Dombrovskis. What a coincidence.

I only wish such ‘alignments’ were as common in the night sky. What views those would be!

Meanwhile, back on planet Earth, I was refused a couple of posts despite my more than adequate CV because, lo and behold, each requirement suddenly becomes sacrosanct when lesser mortals apply for a job. Oh, then all the protocols and regulations come into perfect alignment! All of a sudden, we quote the whole rulebook. Ironically, it is precisely the people who landed jobs by explicitly flouting the rules who solemnly quote them to you.

Wait a second, I hear you protest. Perhaps there were no other candidates who satisfied the requirements? Well, let’s tackle that. For starters, there were three Maltese candidates. Perhaps these were no match for this super economist we never heard of before, so let’s put that aside for a second. I wouldn’t know, after all, for I myself am no economist. The thing is, my years of university studies and degrees in different subjects have taught me one thing: a requirement is required. Yes, I know it sounds silly but indulge me for a moment.

You might also protest that there are, thankfully, some Maltese holding high-level posts. That’s true, so it would be more accurate to state that if you want a good job, then don’t be Maltese, or, if you’re unlucky enough to be one, at the very least don’t be a pleb. If you’re both, it will be a bit of an uphill climb for you, I’m afraid. What’s more, guys like Dombrovskis won’t rush to your aid and bend the rules of the English language if you happen to falter.

I was always rebellious against these atrocious and blatant injustices, even resorting to legal action when need be and, through a fortunate turn of events, I can speak my mind even more freely now.

Not everyone is so lucky though, so it is important to have MEPs and the press bring the unfairness to light. And unfairness is ripe at the top.

It's not what you know but who you know- Kenneth Charles Curmi

I used to work in these environments and I can assure you that the incompetence is through the roof. Most people have absolutely no clue what they are talking about, though their misplaced confidence makes them think otherwise.

Once, I was handed a handwritten note that I could only deduce was written by a chicken: I still keep that as a memento.

Thing is, it’s not ‘requirements’ which land you a good job. In fact, let’s take this opportunity to start teaching Mr Dombrovskis some good old-fashioned English. Let’s start with an expression:

It’s not what you know but who you know.

This Zemitis chap writes on his LinkedIn profile that he is a “Hard-working, ambitious professional always open to new challenges” (funny how everyone is so hard-working and ambitious on that site). I guess his new challenge is to learn some token Maltese and do so quickly. I am sure visiting some feasts will help him in familiarising himself with the local vernacular. Here’s my own contribution: “Grazzi tal-job, ħi!” Not the best Maltese but you’ll blend in nicely.

Things get even more surreal because the commission’s reply only serves to corroborate the view that this commissioner does not understand simple English.

The “Answer given by Executive Vice-President Dombrovskis on behalf of the European Commission” (google it for a laugh) unashamedly but very embarrassingly states that “the vacancy mentioned various elements in terms of required*  expertise and qualifications, the command of the Maltese language being only one of them…”

(*My italics because I actually know what the word means.)

Ah, that settles it then. Since it’s only one of the requirements, it, uhm, stops being a requirement for a brief moment, especially as the planets align and a black hole is formed within the space-time continuum ripped by a vortex of psychobabble. All requirements are required but some requirements are more required than others, I guess.

Dombrovskis should realise that dictionaries are his friends. If he’s interested, I could give him some desperately needed English lessons. Given his background and, since he is so economical with words, I might even give him a discount.

Then, again, given that he seems to struggle with the most basic English, I might have to charge him double.

You know, ‘inflation’ and ‘looming economic crisis’ and all that EU-sanctioned jazz that ensures the rich get richer while the poor get poorer. If it works for them, it works for me!

Kenneth Charles Curmi is the former national representative of the Parliament of Malta to the European Parliament and the EU institutions.