Number three: wedding of the millennium

Grace Murgatroyd Spendlove Cuschieri proffers sagacious advice to all mothers of soon-to-be-wed daughters.

Today, ladies, I am going to tell you how to organise the wedding of your dreams for your daughter(s). If you are like me (except for your being a few rungs further down the social ladder - but never mind - aspire, darlings, aspire)... where was I? Oh yes, if you are like me and want only the very best for your offsprings (sic) you will want her to have the wedding to end all weddings.

This is not easy and of course it will cost money - a great deal of money - a very great deal of money. But I'm assuming you have this, so here goes:

First of all, you can never start planning a wedding too soon: in fact, my advice is to begin organising your daughter's biggest day as soon after conception as humanly possible. Yes, even before you know for certain what sex your baby is going to be. The social pages of Tattler and The Sunday Times of Malta are littered with sob stories of parents who just left everything too late, my goodness.

So make sure you book the cathedral (yes, of course, it has to be a cathedral) nice and early. It would be lovely to think your precious daughter could get spliced in somewhere best suited to your status... like St Peter's in Rome or Notre Dame in Paris. But if these are already booked, don't despair; the very least you should aspire to is Mdina Cathedral. So, what next?

Obviously this has to be the status of the person who is to perform the ceremony. And here there is one golden rule: nobody short of a full-blown cardinal will do.

Naturally, the venue for the reception following Mass is of paramount importance. And trust me on this one... you just cannot book anywhere too grand or prestigious for your darling girl's post-nuptial thrash. The ultimate venue used to be one of Berlusconi's many palazzos, but just lately this has become less of an attractive option. For goodness sake, you don't want all your A-list guests mingling around the pool with a lot of Silvio's topless trollops do you?

If you do decide to slum it a little and stay in Malta, San Anton Palace is a reasonable option, but you may have to slip the boss-man a few thousand to look the other way while the party is in full swing. Alternatively, bite the bullet and invite him along.

But by far the choicest option is to have a fleet of jumbos on hand to fly all your 2,000 or so guests to party on Capri, at the exclusive Capri Palace Hotel. This is a most acceptable venue for anyone of taste and means (and no, they don't always go together).

On the subject of guests: do try for at least one member of minor royalty. I hear Fergie is not averse to the odd reception and she just loves to get her foot in the door. (Geddit). And, obviously, you can't invite too many celebs - Brad and Angelina; Silvio and starlet; Tom Cruise and his latest boyfriend. Only the best will do.

Now, for the dress. If we agree that the design should be left in the hands of only the very finest couturier in the business; then it just has to be Donatella - just as long as your precious daughter doesn't end up actually looking like a Donatella herself.

Then there's the wedding list. My advice is to put this in Harrods with a minimum spend. You don't want any cheapskate guests trying to get away with giving the happy couple any old tat.

Should this unforgivable sin occur, simply exclude them from the reception. Wedding favours can be tricky; I think it's always best to overdo, rather than underdo, these. Solid gold horseshoes are both tasteful and opulent and, should the marriage fail, your guests can always reclaim them as bullion.

Oh, and don't forget the flower arrangements. For my daughter Aurelia Gentia's wedding we flew the gardenias in from Guadeloupe and all the orchids were grown in Botswana. Orange and scarlet - a wonderfully tasteful colour combination; almost exactly matching the bridegroom's eyes after his stag night.

So go for it ladies: make her day your day...and hang the expense.