Here it is again; your definitive guide to what we can all expect to take place next year. And after what has happened in 2020, is anyone going to say Sylvanus is exaggerating?

January

The first batch of COVID-19 vaccine arrives here. The top prio­rity groups are nominally first responders and geriatrics. However, inevitably the first inoculations are actually for government MPs... and their friends – the soldiers of ‘steal’.

Despite being nominally out of power for 12 months, Chuwseff Muscat still manages to win the ‘accolade’ of the most corrupt human being on the planet, two years out of three.

Another green area is ceded to the FKNK, when Buskett forest becomes the second designated hunting ground.

After the fairly recent cabinet reshuffle, Bobby Abela is obliged to deny that Julia Farrugia Portelli, the new minister for ‘inclusion’ (whatever that is) has been forbidden from giving interviews to the UK media. He states: “This has absolutely nothing to do with the train wreck interview she gave them when minister for tourism.”

Jan 20: The US dumps Trump – and sighs with relief.

Jan 21: Melania dumps Trump – and files for divorce.

February

The Council of Europe’s Moneyval assessment places Malta at the top of its blacklist for money laundering and financial wrongdoing. PM Bobby dismisses the assessment and states that: “Everything is still under control… kind of, despite facts stating the contrary.” Er…

Chuwseff Muscat (with Meeshell – reluctantly – in tow) does a Frank Sinatra with yet another farewell tour of the villages; only this time they are greeted by just six ‘friendly’ sheep, Eddie Privitera and Nevile Gafà.

A dedicated investigative reporter reveals that Sai Mizzi, the sometime wife of disgraced ex-minister Kon, is actually still on the government’s payroll. Quel surprise!

March

Thieves burgle the former Pilatus Bank premises in Ta’ Xbiex – and get clean away with €4.22 in petty cash and 37 frozen rabbit meals.

The director of prisons, Alex Dalli, denies that the upgrading of a number of cells in the Corradino Correctional Facility to five-star hotel standard is in anticipation of admitting several very high-profile inmates.

In a TV interview, PN leader Bernie Grech admits that, in order to make it electable again, he’s going to have to do “a Lazarus job” on the party. He’ll really have his work cut out since BG is hardly JC.

Having been unceremoniously kicked out of power and tossed into the garbage can of history, Chuwseff amends his Invictus tattoo to reflect his current status to ‘Binvictus’.

April

In an Easter Sunday hunt at Santa Maria Estate in Mellieħa, children find a record number of 209 chocolate eggs, 46 chocolate Easter bunnies and Keet Schembri’s missing mobile phone.

The FKNK categorically deny that picnickers using woodland under their management will be in any danger. A spokesman gave his assurance: “Everyone entering one of our areas will be issued with a steel helmet and a flak jacket.”

The statue of Jean de Valette in Valletta is taken down and replaced with one of Dom Mintoff… ‘mounted’ on a horse.

Nevile Gafà is awarded the Lorry Sant Memorial Prize for selfless and mindless services to Kickbacks Keet.

May

Since once again the Eurovison Song Contest is cancelled due to the pandemic, Malta claims a first ever victory by default.

Another brand new non-native species of venomous snake is discovered lurking in the Burmarrad undergrowth. Zoologists name it Serpentus Chuwseffus.

Keet, Konrat, Hillman, Tonna, Cini et al are arraigned in court accused of multiple money laundering charges. And – because all of the accused have so many expensive lawyers to handle their cases, a temporary giant courtroom is constructed at Ta’ Qali.

Justyne Caruana is forced to deny that she has been supplied with her very own government-funded helicopter and pilot.

June

The SAG are called out to rescue Meeshell Muscat when she finds herself in difficulties while attempting to swim the whole length of the Westin Dragonara swimming pool. After thanking her rescuers, Meeshell said: “Nobody told me half of the pool was out of my depth.” She claims the rescue pedallo ignored her cries for help.

The lawyers for Yorgen Fenech are spotted outside the law courts in Valletta, trying to press money onto passers-by to say nice things about their client.

The former premises of Nexia BT in San Ġwann is to be converted into a launderette… how appropriate.

Melvin Theuma takes delivery of another expensive gift from Yorgen – via Maskar – this one, however, it is ticking and I don’t think it’s a clock.

July

Another green area is ceded to the FKNK when Ta’ Qali becomes another designated hunting ground.

Bobby Abela is obliged to rubbish reports that, following recent rumours and embarrassing witnesses’ court appearances, there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that an outbreak of contagious amnesia is afflicting the corridors of power.

Chuwseff Muscat is said to be contemplating a role in an upcoming MADC production of Oliver, where he has apparently been cast as the Artful Dodger.

August

Upmarket travel firm Yor­gen’s Tours Ltd appoints Joe Cuschieri to his latest new job, as its chief courier for its all-inclusive package holiday to Las Vegas.

Konrad Mizzi is taken to Mater Dei Hospital for treatment for an acute attack of repetitive speech syndrome.

Despite angry denials, Chuwseff Muscat eventually does the expected and emigrates to Dubai. Speculation is rife as to who exactly paid for his air fare.

September

The relentless power of the hunters shows no sign of abating as the entire Marsa Sports Club grounds is ceded to the FKNK’s management.

Keet, Konrat, Hillman, Chuwseff (in his absence) Tonna, Cini et al are all found guilty of multiple charges of money laundering, corruption, embezzlement, tax evasion and racketeering. Each is given a sharp slap on the wrist, told not to do it again and sent up to bed without any supper; i.e. suspended sentences all round.

Despite being a vast improvement on his predecessor as PN leader, Bernie Grech has not yet managed to make the PN electable. Consequently, he is forced to deny that he is just keeping the seat warm for Roberta.

October

After his recent indiscretions, Transport Minister Ian Borg refutes reports that the PM has condemned him to spend two hours a week in the Corradino Correctional Facility (prison to you and me) naughty chair.

Jason Azzopardi is forced to deny that the reason he will not attend a high-profile EU legal conference in Belgium is because nobody in Brussels will promise him a freebie stay in a five-star hotel.

November

Prime Minister Bobby runs up a six-figure phone bill, due to having to make all those calls to Chuwseff in Dubai… to ask for further instructions.

Mark Gasan and Paul Apap Bologna check into an expensive Swiss sanatorium to undergo treatment for Migrainus forgettus electrogasus (chronic selective memory loss).

Chuwseff Muscat… sorry, I mean Bobby Abela… appoints Johnny Dalli (remember him?) as Malta’s ambassador to the Bahamas and the British Virgin Islands. Nothing like bringing in a local, eh.

It had to happen, the entire land mass of Malta and Gozo is handed over to the FKNK as a designated hunting area.

December

Dec 1: At long last, Maria Efimova and Jonathan Ferris are both granted whistleblower status.

Dec 2: The entire Maltese political class emigrate en masse to Dubai.

In view of our predilection towards putting ours – and other people’s – cash through full wash cycles, the EU decides on a new code name for Malta ­‒ ‘Hotpoint Island’.

The Malta government decides to abolish the Ministry for the Environment, since there is now absolutely no natural environment left on the islands.

Even though Joe Biden has been president of the US for almost a year, Donald Trump is still claiming that he won the 2020 election and refusing to concede… from the safety of the Tranquil Minds Psychiatric Hospital.

And finally: As always, may I wish both of my fans a happy and prosperous New Year… Għandek ċans!