Old Bores Almanack for 2005

Yet again... Sylvanus gazes at his crystal ball and comes up with his unfailingly accurate predictions of what's in store for the Maltese Islands during 2005 - our first full year of EU membership.

January

Another 15 boatloads of illegal immigrants arrive in Malta. To house them, Government requisitions the Portomaso complex.

The Opposition protests "in the strongest possible way" at the government's insistence on including illegal immigrants in the monthly figures for tourist arrivals.

Following a further intervention by the prime minister, MEPA announces that it will announce its decision on the location for the proposed new golf course "within days"... (Why am I not holding my breath?... Ed)

Dolphin Park to be converted into fish farm.

February

Building contractor constructs large 10-storey building right next to "The Olives", Dom Mintoff's residence in Tarxien.

Mintoff sues for breach of human rights for the sum of Lm750,000 - double what he got for L-Gharix. Argues that he needs double because he's agreed to split 50:50 with the builder.

Seventy-nine-year-old grandfather wins Malta marathon... only to be disqualified later, when his blood sample is found to contain traces of Viagra.

Government schools to teach Somali as a second language.

It's official: the initials PBS now really do stand for Personal Bondi Station.

March

Due to the excessive presence of fish farms in Maltese waters, bathing has now been declared unsafe within a 10-mile radius of the Maltese Islands.

Smoking declared illegal in all public buildings in Malta and Gozo. Mass invasion of Comino by addicted smokers.

The prime minister appoints his Aunty Lulu to a highly paid financial consultancy position on the Mater Dei project. He denies nepotism and defends the appointment saying: "She's been a housewife all her life, so there's not much anyone can teach her about budgeting".

Mintoff and his acolyte KMB, of the Front Maltin Inqumu, write to the President of the United States and state that if the US does not pull all its troops out of Iraq "within 24 hours", the FMI will take all possible steps to stop all import and export business between Malta and the USA.

April

Michael Jackson arrives to play mega-concert on the Fosos. Next day he tours kindergartens in Malta. Parents advised to keep their kids at home... especially little boys.

The government is said to be giving "serious consideration" to a proposal by Azzopardi Fisheries to excavate the site of the Opera House to a depth of four storeys, flood it - then operate it as another fish farm.

A spokesman for the bus owners' association categorically denies that the reason they are keeping most of the new buses in the garage, while continuing to use the old bangers, is because the new buses utilise kerosene less efficiently than the old ones.

MEPA to announce decision on siting of new golf course "in a matter of hours".

May

Malta fails to qualify for the Eurovision Song Contest. As a result, an epidemic of mass suicides sweeps our islands. In Parliament the prime minister says: "This is the most serious crisis to hit Malta since Tista' Tkun Int got moved to Thursdays."

President Fenech Adami declares four days of national mourning, with flags flown at half-mast on all public buildings.

In a World Cup qualifying match, Malta defeat Bulgaria 6-1. Polyclinics throughout Malta and Gozo are filled with patients all suffering pinch wounds... and all self-inflicted.

Somali to be taught as compulsory language in all Maltese schools... government, Church and private.

June

A potential oil strike at Net TV studios turns out to be a false alarm. It is found to be just oleaginous secretions given off during the recording of Nies ta' Veru. Mintoff opens a case in the constitutional court, maintaining that in seeking reparation for his outstanding water and electricity bill, Enemalta and the WSC are in "gross violation" of his basic human rights.

Simon Busuttil caught in flagrante with the wives of several members of Malta's diplomatic service. He says: "I'm only doing it to contradict my image".

Skanska wins the contract for the complete refurbishment of the new Brussels property.

July

Sven-Goran Eriksson resigns as head coach to the England football team, to take over as head coach of Malta. The MFA state that there is no truth whatever in the rumour that, before taking up the post Mr Eriksson will be required to undergo compulsory castration.

Due to pollution caused by the excessive presence of fish farms in Maltese waters, bathing has now been declared unsafe within the coastal waters of Lampedusa, Pantelleria, Sicily, Tripoli and Tunis.

Skanska negotiate yet another postponement of the completion date of Mater Dei Hospital. Costs now soar to Lm500 million, and the opening date has been put back to July 1, 2010.

The PM states: "To find the extra dosh, and to help pay the ever-spiralling costs, the 400 over-ordered doors will be sold... if we can find them".

August

The Ministry of Health announces that smoking is to be permitted... nay encouraged, in all public buildings, especially confined spaces like village bars. The minister denied that this was being done because of pressure from the GRTU.

The UNHCR states that there are now more Somalis in Malta than there are in Somalia.

Islam granted equal status with Catholicism in Maltese Islands.

Skanska wins contract to construct 40 new mosques locally. A spokesman says: "We knew those extra doors would come in handy one day".

In the case he brought in the constitutional court, Mintoff maintains: "As the finest ex-prime minister this country has ever had" not only should he receive his water and electricity free of charge, he should be getting paid to use them.

September

MEPA announces that it is now extremely close to announcing the location of at least one of the new golf courses (yawn)!

Record number of traffic jams on Car-Free Day.

The minister for environmental cock-ups (seen trying to alight from the wrong end of a bus at City Gate) says: "Car-Free Day has once again been an unqualified success".

The prime minister appoints his second cousin, twice removed, to the highly paid post of extra-financial adviser to the Mater Dei Hospital project. He denies nepotism and states: "As a dress designer, Ronald is used to dealing with figures".

Somali succeeds Maltese and English as the main teaching language in all Maltese schools.

October

After a heavy storm, Richard England's LOVE "sculpture" topples off the edge of Spinola Quay and ends up on the bottom of the sea.

A call by the local council for volunteers to help salvage it results in precisely zilch persons prepared to rescue LOVE.

Two hunters, returning from a hunting trip to Mauritius, arrested after refrigerated container is found to contain the remains of 200 endangered avian species... including a specimen of the thought to be long-extinct dodo.

In a traffic accident in The Strand, Gzira, an 87-year-old woman is hit by a Lada, the old woman is unhurt... the Lada is a total write-off.

Norman Lowell converts to Islam.

November

Government announces that to ensure the populace use public transport, the number of bus-lanes are to be increased to three... while the number of car lanes are to be reduced to one or less.

In his continuing constitutional case, Mintoff states that he is holding the government solely responsible for any damages to his home - and particularly to his chandeliers. And further, he is suing for a sum of not less than Lm3.7 million, as partial reparation for any damage or hardships suffered as a result of being deprived of water and electricity.

Members of the Public Works Department sent to rescue Richard England's LOVE "sculpture" from the sea off Spinola eventually succeed in bringing it safely ashore. However, none of the PWD men concerned are able to explain how the "sculpture" came to the surface in precisely 10,000 pieces.

Celebrations in Spinola last long into the night.

December

MEPA finally announce that new Malta golf course will be built on land in close proximity to the University at Tal-Qroqq.

The (former) Mater Dei Hospital is to change its designation yet again. It will now become the new golf course's clubhouse instead.

Michael Mallia crosses Austin Gatt off his Christmas card list.

An EU directive decrees a standard size, shape and weight for all Maltese pastizzi. The Department of Trade concurs and, to comply with the directive, changes the name from pastizzi to pasty. Problem solved.

A Malta government report states that Catholics in Malta are now outnumbered by Muslims 10 to 1.

On January 1... 2006, Malta becomes an Islamic republic.