Sense and 'censorbility'

This week, Sylvanus has managed to penetrate one of the most tightly guarded and secretive institutions in Malta... and live to tell the tale.

I am referring to those organisations responsible for instituting and enforcing the censorship of stage productions and everything else in our islands. I refer to the cadres named: Saving Malta from Untrammeled Titillation (SMUT) and Preventing Obscenities and Really Naughty Offerings (PORNO).

As most of you know, these two 'official' committees have acted as public watchdogs and civic arbiters of what we may and may not see and read since time immemorial. And this fine Sunday morning I, Sylvanus, will try to expose the nefarious workings of these latter day puritans and bigots.

I have managed to get my hands on an audio recording of the latest meeting of this joint committee of worthies, all of whom are intent on controlling the minds of citizens of this minor Mediterranean archipelago:

So read on and be shocked:

(The recording begins with the sound of papers being shuffled and muffled communal exhortations to "stamp out the filth within our land").

The first to speak (after extensive clearing of the throat) is the chairperson: Ms Mildred Cottonera Clark: "I shall first call the register of attendees. Mildred Cottonera Clark, chairperson... present. Monsignor Alfred Sanctimonious Anastasi?"

Monsignor Sanctimonious Anastasi: "Present, correct and humbly determined to contribute to the total elimination of smut and sedition from our blessed isles."

MCC: "Glad to hear it. Ms Rosetta Caruana Colostrum?"

Ms Rosetta Caruana Colostrum: "Er, present and er... only too willing and eager to do my duty and seek out dirt and nastiness... even when there's none present."

MCC: "Bravo Rosetta! So to the first - and dare one say, most vital item on the agenda, a hoped for production of the pantomime entitled er... Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Rosetta, what's your verdict?"

RCC: "Sorry Madame Chairperson, I... well I... I'm afraid I... well I - no I didn't feel able to... tell me Mil - er Madame Chairperson, was this a production by that dreadful Buckland person?"

MCC: "Buck - oh you mean that appalling little man who tried to get us to pass that vile piece of filth... Stitch-Up?"

RCC: "Yes, him."

MCC: "No it isn't, but of course I naturally share your concern."

MSA: "May I?"

MCC: "Yes, Monsignor?"

MSA: "I do have several censorious notes re this proposed... but obviously doomed theatre show."

MCC: "Do tell."

MSA: "Let us verily look no further than the title, I mean... what could be more provocative than Snow White... and the Seven Dwarfs?"

MCC: "What indeed. But pray continue."

MSA: "Snow White? This is an obviously scurrilously obscene reference to the young lady's colour. (murmurs of assent) Which infers that a certain young female of a Caucasian persuasion is engaging in lewd and - in all probability - deviant acts with a group of vertically challenged males of the opposite se- er gender."

RCC: "Scandalous!"

MCC: "Repulsive! I agree Monsignor, the title alone is enough to condemn the script to eternal damnation. But what about the rest of it, did you dare to venture further into the slough?"

MSA: "I confess I did take a peep... but only a very little one."

MCC: "And?"

MSA: "A complete litany of shameless smut. Not even worthy of an Algerian bordello. Not that I have frequented such a place, you understand. But... in my opinion, this so called play -"

MCC: "Er... panto."

MSA: "Whatever... should be consigned to that same manure heap from whence it came."

RCC: "And where Stitch Up ended up."

(There is a murmur of general assent)

MCC: "Precisely; but Monsignor we are both still gagging to know more details of this depraved script."

MSA: "Ladies, trust me, you don't want to know - and I have too much regard for your sensibilities - but if you insist. Would you believe that one of these dwar - miniature persons is actually called... Dopey!"

(Both of the ladies are overcome with shock and gasp in chorus)

MCC: (Recovers first) Heaven forefend that we be accused of encouraging a drug culture. So I take it that this pant... thing, is to be totally banned. All those in favour of the ban, say filth!"

MSA/RCC: "Filth!"

MCC: "Carried unanimously... next!"