Couples going through separation at times lose sight of family values that urge both parents to be equally present in their child's life.
Whereas during marriage fathers are encouraged to be present in their children's lives, during separation they are at times expected to take a peripheral role as the mother typically gets custody. More often than not this situation comes about because the parents fail to make a distinction between their relationship as husband and wife and their relationship as parents, family therapist Carmen Delicata explains.
"Dads should be encouraged to participate in their children's life after separation and not just reduce their involvement to a few hours a week," she says adding that exceptions, such as cases of abuse, are relatively rare.
In her MA thesis - Fathering From The Outside: How Do Non-Custodial Fathers Manage To Maintain A relationship With Their Son/s? - Ms Delicata draws on the experiences of five Maltese fathers who were granted non-custodial parenting of their sons, aged between seven and11, and looks at how they maintained a relationship with their children within the context of separation.
Throughout her experience as a family mediator working in the Family Court, Ms Delicata has come across many parents battling over custody, access and child maintenance.
"Mothers often 'use' the children as bargaining tools for a more agreeable financial settlement. Some fathers, on the other hand, refuse to settle child maintenance until they negotiate what they would consider adequate time with their children.
"While custody disputes are very painful and undesirable, and are often the result of unresolved attachments to the former spouse, I am saddened by some fathers who seem to show very little interest in their children.
"It is as if they cannot separate their parenting role from their marital relationship. If they cannot have their wife, then they cannot have their children, they cannot be fathers.
"Others seem lost as to what their new relationship as non-custodial fathers is. They fail to see beyond taking the children to the cinema or to McDonalds. Others readily accept that children are best looked after by their mother, arguing that the economic and socio-legislative structures do little to support joint custody," she wrote in the introduction to her thesis. As Ms Delicata explores the subject, she finds that fathers going through a separation experience a general feeling of loss mainly resulting from the loss of shared residence with their children and the limits imposed on the relationship through reduced contact.
"Irrespective of their level of involvement as fathers during marriage and irrespective of their gendered division of roles, all the fathers in the study talked about wanting a deeper involvement with their children and none referred to wanting to stop their relationship," she explains. During a separation, fathers also find themselves re-thinking the roles that were previously defined within the context of their marriage where the mother often acted as a gatekeeper.
The fathers in the study wanted to be more than a playful companion and reflected on how they wanted to participate in their children's lives and development. They started thinking in terms of what their child needed of them as a father and this involved a more flexible construction of fatherhood, Ms Delicata found.
Yet, despite this longing to be more present for their sons, all the fathers in the study accepted without protest, non-custodial parenting. This highlights the strong hold that the social norm - that children are better off with their mother - has even on fathers.
"Men need to be encouraged to question society's norms," Ms Delicata believes.
Her research helped her realise that we lack a service that encourages and helps parents going through separation to think about the children and understand the psychological repercussions of the separation. Her study also shed light on the need of parental training for those fathers who had minimal involvement with their children during marriage. Therapists and practitioners have an important role to play in offering support and facilitating a deeper and more satisfying relationship for both the children and the fathers.
"Parental conflict, if not addressed, tends to become chronic. Early intervention is important as research indicates that the first two years are crucial as they set the 'stage' for future involvement. If these new patterns continue to strengthen the father-child relationship, the fathers are more likely to remain involved in the life of their children," she finds.
Ms Delicata's research will be the topic of discussion during an evening seminar organised by the Maltese Family Therapy Association and Systemic Practice. It will be held on October 22 at the Radisson SAS in St Julians and will be open to the public.
For more information about the seminar contact the association on maftsp_events@yahoo.com.