Situations vacant

Yes, right... sit down, sit down, Mr, er... Try and relax, er... tea, coffee, Valium? Oh yes, I know, job interviews can be trying, even traumatic, affairs. But I really do want you to feel at ease and... comfortable.

"Good! Now I see from your CV... very impressive, by the way... very um... sophisticated. Yes, I see from your CV that you worked in the media. Good, good, good. I like that. Contact with the, er... media is always... er, good. Shows you interact well with people, team player... all that sort of thing. Teamwork is so important. I'm sure you agree? Everyone pulling on the same rope and preferably in the same direction.

"Um right, now I see here under: Reasons for leaving your last job, you've written... and I quote: 'Gross ingratitude, political shenanigans, back-stabbing, jealousy, filthy rumour, base insinuations, lies, vilification and character assassination'. So am I to assume, it wasn't an amicable parting of the ways?

"Quite so! Well, I'm not here to sit in judgment, let's be positive shall we? Positive thinking, that's the by-word... er, words, of this establishment. Now I see here in your application, you say you had a um... a radio programme, jolly good. What sort of radio programme was it... easy listening music, songs from the shows, golden oldies? Ah right! Investigative, crusading, informative... well now, there's a first. What else was it?

"Righteous, eh? Would that be self-righteous, or the other sort? OK, just righteous... fine. No, do go on... popular, ah popular's good. Very popular, you say... even better. With phone-ins, that's original! And did anyone actually take the trouble to... you know, phone in? Who? Cetta from Bormla... five times a show. Ah well. it's a start.

"Right, we'll move on: You say in your CV that you recently aspired to higher office, most impressive again. Um, would you care to expand a little on this, hmm? I see... more gross ingratitude, eh. If I may say so, you seem to attract ingratitude like horse dung attracts flies. So these aspirations you write of, failed to blossom into realisations? I see... nul points, eh. Ah well, can't win them all.

"I've, er, looked through this large and impressive pile of testimonials you included for my perusal. Most impressive yet again... and glowing, positively euphoric. But, um... they all appear to be written by the same person, a certain Cetta from Bormla. Would this be the same... ?

"No, no, no... I'm sure she's totally sincere. As you say, anyone who felt strongly enough to sit down and write 147 letters of commendation must have felt fairly strongly about your obvious... and less obvious... qualities. Good for her, just a pity you couldn't have included one or two from other um...

"What about your ex-boss? Ah right, deep, deep ingratitude you say. 'Abandoned in a blanket on the doorstep of the cold cruel world, outside the warm bosom of the glass menagerie'. Very picturesque prose... very heartfelt Mr, um. No, I see no need to consult your ex-employer, although I'm sure he... they... had their reasons for... as you say: 'casting you out into the blizzard'.

"Well, right... yes, I think I've heard enough Mr, um... Congratulations, welcome to the firm... Yes, you're in. And may I say, I do hope you'll be happy here. I think you're ideally suited to this type of work. At least you are, according to your CV. Would that every candidate I've interviewed for the post had your glowing... yes, glowing, credentials.

"And I'd be grateful if you'd start straght away. You'll find a shovel outside the door. Then just keep shovelling, there's plenty more s*** where that lot came from".