Sneak preview

We Maltese are a nation of sneaks. Yes we are, we are more than happy to turn in our fellow citizens for the most piffling misdemeanours. Ask anyone who has been shopped for forgetting to hand over a VAT receipt. And now the authorities (the faceless ones) are even encouraging, nay exhorting us, to sneak. Well, what else would you call the recent urgings for us to text them whenever a faulty exhaust emission is spotted? That is surely a blatant invitation to one sector of the general public to snitch on another sector.

Well, why confine legalised sneaking to exhaust fumes? While they are at it they might as well do a proper Big Brother job on us and extend the scope of snitching to include lots of other minor misdeeds.

And so, with my public service hat on, once again, I would like to suggest a few more areas where legalised narking could be introduced. The list is actually endless and can include absolutely everything you disagree with - the sky's the limit.

For example: The next time your neighbours arrive home late and start slamming car doors, you would be encouraged to report to the authorities. And why stop there? You could also report them for blasting their hi-fi too loudly, or for playing a CD you don't particularly like, or failing to stop their brat from screaming the place down, or putting their garbage out at least two hours before the Scammel passes the house.

Sneak opportunities present themselves everywhere you look. Why not report your butcher to the sanitary authorities the next time he hands some child a free piece of (uncooked) sausage? You could have him for attempting to start a salmonella epidemic on the island.

Legalised sneaking is the new blackmail... soon everybody will be at it (if they aren't already). And on the subject of emissions, it's all very well to shop cars and buses with filthy outflows, but what about all those karozzini horses crapping all over the place? I'm sure that's well worth getting the mobile out and texting the powers-that-be to lodge a complaint. I've long felt the need for a poo patrol where they were concerned.

And then there are all those restaurants... and not just the insanitary ones. There's plenty of scope there for splitting on them to the thought-police. I'm all for reporting the ones that: a) overcharge; b) play loud schmuzak... or any bloody schmuzak for that matter; c) bring the wine to the table already corked; d) employ blind and deaf waiters/waitresses. I could go on...

Then there's that most despised felon of all - the local warden. You could have hours of endless fun spying (with your thumb poised over your mobile phone keypad) waiting for the bastard to fail to book an illegally parked minister's car... or any other illegally parked vehicle, for that matter. That action should be totally fulfilling to any self-respecting sneak on the principle of 'do unto others what's just been done to you'.

And we could have a field day with our filthy, inefficient bus service and those knights of the road... those charming fellows, their drivers. We should be given a hotline number to report any driver exceeding a standard number of expletives permitted to be addressed to tourists. I also think we should be able to report any driver exceeding the permitted exposure width of bum cleavage.

And while we're on the subject of transport, how about a special sneak-line number to report all those other aberrations we witness on our highways day in day out. Like undertaking, overtaking on a bend, double... triple... quadruple etc parking, blasting a car stereo through towns and villages. Oh yes, and one crime (and I use the word advisedly) above all others... using a mobile phone while driving... Ahem!