Whenever anyone who does not swoon at the feet of Joseph Muscat dares mention Labour's less than glorious past, the Lil'Elves and Cheer Leaderettes screech and shout and run about, yelping that we should look forward, rather than back.

Whenever Joseph Muscat, resplendent in his overcoat and dark suit, his youthful vigour set off by his blue tie, evokes the past, on the other hand, he is so imbued with statesmanlike qualities that make you wonder why he hasn't been whisked off to Washington to have a mountain carved out in his likeness.

Muscat's latest foray down the rocky road to Labour's past, no doubt inspired by the notion that it's all very well appealing to the middle ground but you also need to hold your core, had him telling us, without a hint of embarrassment that the country (well, Labour, but they never see the difference) "steel soldiers to fight in favour of civil liberties such as IVF, civil unions for same sex couples, constitutional amendments and against censorship".

What brass neck. Seriously, this lad either has a complete and utter ignorance of what his own party used to do in the past (and all he needs to do is ask Karmenu Vella, Joe Debono Grech, Marie Louse Coleiro Preca, Alex Scebberras Trigona, Toni Abela, Leo Brincat, Alfred Sant and Heaven knows how many others, they were all there in some way or another) or else he thinks we do.

Either way, let me just remind the dear boy what his latest exhortation reminds me and many others about. I'll limit myself to the issues he mentioned.

For some reason, Muscat thinks that making IVF available is some sort of war-horse for the coming campaign, to the extent that he is summoning Labour's "Soldiers of Steel" (these were a Mintoffian construct, incidentally, mobilised for darker motives than IVF) to fight for it.

As far as I am aware, IVF is already available, so is Muscat seeking to fight for something that exists already?

Pray tell. And while telling, do tell why you think that a Labourite mentioning health services will do anything other than make me and many like me remember what Mintoff's regime did to the health service when the doctors' union dared raise its head?

Just to jog your memory, the service was decimated: having healthy babies was difficult enough, let alone IVF.

Muscat then segued into civil unions for same sex couples, but stopped short, his steely-eyed determination notwithstanding, from advocating same-sex marriages, which is really where the battleground would lie, because civil union is well on the road to becoming a reality. As always, Muscat runs with hounds and hunts with the fox, because he knows very well that the ranks from whom he might hope to draw his Soldiers of Steel (God help us) are populated by the most conservative, hide-bound, zealots around, who would feel almost physical revulsion at gays marrying.

Muscat tells us that the Soldiers of Steel are also needed to fight for constitutional amendments. Here the man proves that he has no shame. In the 1981-1987 era, which is less far away in time than the fifty years ago that Muscat was commemorating, the Soldiers of Steel performed sterling work in ensuring that Mintoff and KMB's grip on power remained unshaken to the very last minute of the last hour of the last day.

Constitutional amendments? Sorry, mate, Labour still has a way to go before it is allowed to speak of these without its sorry past being seen lurking in the wings.

Moving on, as one must, Muscat tells us that these courageous Soldiers of Steel are needed in order to fight against censorship.

This is seriously, seriously rich. When Mintoff was in power, the Times of London wasn't allowed in, because it dared hold the thought that he wasn't the best thing since sliced bread. Anything that offended Dom Mintoff, even a movie about the dictator Idi Amin, was not allowed to see the light of day and reading the In-Taghna (couldn't use the word Nazzjon, you see, Mintoff didn't want you to) was tantamount to holding up a placard saying "piss on me, I'm a Nationalist".

To be fair, censorship was the least of our worries under Mintoff's regime.

You see, you could think freely, because much to his chagrin, Mintoff couldn't see inside our heads, but woe betide you if you expressed any idea that displeased him. He learnt much from his foreign buddies (Libya, North Korea and Rumania, to name a few countries whence they came) none of which was particularly good for us.

It's not Soldiers of Steel we need, it's a Leader of the Opposition who has an inkling of what he makes us remember by mentioning them.