The blind leading the blind

Now please keep close to me and try not to stray too far from the group. You should all be able to see where I am, as I'm holding up this yellow umbrella. And before we go any further on this guided tour of Valletta, I would like to explain the umbrella.

When I heard that my group - you lot - were a party of Japanese tourists, I did my best to find an umbrella with a rising sun on it. Unfortunately I drew a blank, so I thought a yellow one would be the next best thing.

Is everybody still with me? Good, I hope Mrs Nakamura hasn't wandered off again. I thought we'd lost her for good when she slipped and nearly landed at the bottom of the Yellow Garage steps. Yes, it is very slippery, there is a reason for that... which I won't go into now.

Ah, there you are, I couldn't see you hiding in one of the Castille cannon barrels. You must be one of the few people who could get in there... especially standing up. Rarely have I seen anyone quite so - no, I don't like the term vertically challenged, I prefer upwardly immobile.

OK, everybody... if you look up there at that large imposing building, you will find you are looking at the official residence of our country's leader. This is the Castille. So called because it single-handedly served as a castle and a fortress to repel raiders way back before the development of immigration control.

You are free to take photographs of the Castille façade and even of Mrs Nakamura in the cannon barrel. What's that? No, I'm afraid the prime minister's not available to come out and pose for photos with you.

Got all the pics you need? Good, right then, on we go. Just around this corner we enter St Paul Street... so called because this is the precise spot where St Paul back in... oh a long time ago, converted all the snakes in Malta to Christianity.

Further to the north of Malta, there is also an island and a village called St Paul's Island and St Paul's Bay respectively. This where St Paul first came ashore in Malta. And... it is said that when he did so, he stopped a pagan resident... they were all pagan residents in those days, and asked where he had landed: "You're in St Paul's Bay" replied the pagan resident: "Oh that's handy," retorted St Paul.

Are you all still with me? Good. Fine, now carrying on with our guided tour of Valletta, in a few minutes we'll come to Fort St Elmo.

As you can see, it's a bit of a ruin. Of course it wasn't always in this state of distress... But ever since the Great Siege of... again a long time ago, when it was sacked, pillaged and raped by the Turks, it's been like this. So it's not our fault... OK.

Continuing the tour... A little further on we come to the Mediterranean Conference Centre. Please note the very long hall, as you enter. This is called the Knights Hall, and in the days of... the Knights, it was used for jousting tournaments. Further on in, we come to the MCC proper... Impressive, right? I'm told you have similar facilities in Japan, only there, I believe you call them karaoke bars.

And finally... we come to the most important stop on this tour: Angelo's Snack Bar. Here you will get the best value food in Valletta and genuine drinks (as opposed to bogus, non-imbibable drinks... presumably). And I'm not recommending Angelo's Bar because he happens be my cousin and gives me 20 per cent of the takings. This truly is one of the top eateries in the whole of the Mediterranean... But don't have the fish, that's all. That's the end of the tour... pay here. Now off you go... Eat, drink and... enjoy.