The Catholic Church and divorce - 2

Although ecclesiastical annulments and marital separations are not the main subject of my discussion, I think a brief comment on each will be in place. This is to show that either of them has, in the normal course of events, as much of a deleterious effect on spouses and children as divorce.

An annulment is a declaration by the Church that there has never been a true marriage, whatever may have appeared to be the case, however long the parties may have lived together, and irrespective of whether there have been children or not. The Church admits of a marital separation for grave and just reasons so as to avoid a greater evil - that is, if continuing to live together would in the actual circumstances, be contrary to the dignity of either party or the good of the family.

I am at a loss as to why Fr Robert Soler, SJ, chose to be silent on the foregoing two canonical provisions in his articles (The Sunday Times November 21 and December 5, 2004). I think his contribution would have made more compelling reading had he given us his views on whether annulments and separations do impinge on the welfare of spouses and their children, and, if in the affirmative, whether their existence does have the multiplier effect on the family as divorce. Fr Soler quotes Sergio Cotta thus: "Il divorzio crea divorzio", that is, divorce breeds divorce. Does not the existence of annulments and separations breed more of the same?

Effects of annulments and separations on family

Not unlike divorce, annulments and separations are complex social and psychological events. Few other commonly occurring events influence so many aspects of a person's life: financial, legal, social, psychological and parental. These changes are often preceded by an alienating period of increasing estrangement between the spouses as one or both move toward the impending decision to split up.

In my view, annulments and separations, very much like divorce, are a necessary evil. However, both could offer those who have been through them to think more seriously about who they are, where they have come from, and where they are going. Besides, it may help them get on with their lives more wisely.

They might feel even more peaceful and secure in the knowledge that they have done the right thing and have stopped living a lie.

Moreover, not unlike divorce, parents in annulment and separation proceedings sometimes ask whether they should stay together for the sake of the children - a question to which one cannot possibly give a dogmatic answer, for so much depends on the unique circumstances of each individual case.

Nevertheless, it does appear from research that separation and divorce (and here I would venture to include annulments) may sometimes be better alternatives if staying together means raising the child in an atmosphere of continuing fierce conflict and tension. That separation and divorce are hurtful, sometimes deeply so, to children of all ages, cannot, of course, be denied, yet from a long-term point of view this course may well be the lesser of two evils.

It seems to me that any psychological disturbance found in children of divorced parents may well have resulted from the period when the family was still together, rather than from the legal dissolution of the marriage. Further, it has been shown that the most stressed children are those who themselves become pawns in their parents' acrimonious personal battles long after the divorce has been granted.

The heart of marriage

I wish to make it clear that I do not see marriage as a temporary arrangement to be terminated at will or indiscriminately by Church or State. A climate of permissiveness, which tolerates divorce in a haphazard way, will affect the very nature of marriage itself as well as the fabric of society.

My professional experience in working with families and children in Malta and abroad leads me to believe that the vast majority of couples who marry do so in the hope that they will be able to share the rest of their lives together. This is what they think married life is all about.

The heart of marriage lies in its being an inter-personal, emotionally sexual relationship of life-giving love, and one which is, therefore, intrinsically permanent and exclusive. Its indissolubility is in no way an optional extra open to the free choice of the couple. It flows from the very nature of the love which is fundamental and which mirrors the divine in us.

This description of marriage is very much in line with the section on marriage in Vatican II's Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World. This document has a strongly personalist tone on marriage and carries us far beyond legalities and philosophical abstractions.

Moreover, psychologists never tire of insisting that one of the most influential factors in the personal development of the child is the climate of love, acceptance and security found in a home where parents have a genuine love for each other and which reflects in the upbringing of their children.

A compatible marriage is based upon the meaningful sharing of experiences and the formation of deep emotional bonds. Such a marriage helps both spouses to feel adequate, wanted, needed, socially approved, secure and complete - to a degree which cannot be achieved in any other human relationship. Where a compatible marriage is made even more meaningful and worthwhile through children, a strong family unit is built which contributes to the parents' sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in living.

It is imperative, in the light of the foregoing, that the State continues to provide the social and economic protection and support to help families in the discharge of their responsibilities - covering housing, food, work, leisure, basic health care and other social needs, with particular emphasis on disadvantaged families and families with sick, disabled or aged members.

Equally, the Catholic Church must warmly welcome modern advances of psychology and sociology and the role they play in sexual knowledge and sex instruction, in the art of speaking and communicating between couples, the notion of a woman' s role in marriage today, and other factors that make for compatibility and life-long commitment in marriage. Courses for engaged couples, run by highly-qualified experts in the fields of social work and psychology, should direct more attention to the problems of a choice of partner, early marriage, and the physical and mental health that marriage calls for, even sometimes at the expense of familiar and cherished ideas that do not square with reality.

Distressed marriages

It takes two to make love and it takes two to make a decision to love. Hence, when one of the spouses, for whatever reason, begins to refuse to renew this decision in the events of his or her marital life, there is nothing the other spouse can do to keep his or her love alive.

If the erring partner does not want to avail himself or herself of the available spiritual and psychological resources for reconciliation, and, very often, of the precious support that comes from family members and friends, it is impossible to make the marital love last. The deserted spouse, in these circumstances, feels rootless and valueless.

Alone and isolated, he or she very often feels discriminated against, but frequently, and in spite of best intentions, falls victim to depression and to the grave temptations that ensue from the worlds of work, leisure, and the depersonalisation of sex.

My professional experience tells me that most of those whose marriage breaks up, particularly those whose wife or husband has walked out on the family, find it existentially impossible to grasp that, for the love of God and out of fidelity to the Catholic Church's teaching, or for the good of society and their unique Maltese culture, they are expected to accept, in courage and patience, a future without marriage. They feel very strongly that it would be better to marry again than to endanger the marriages and moral lives of others.

A great many married people will continue to inevitably be alienated from the Catholic Church unless unnecessary harshness and false emphases in the law of marriage are corrected, and unless a suitable pastoral approach is worked out for couples who have entered into a second marriage and wish to openly receive the Eucharist. Neither an exaggerated strictness nor a weak flexibility will help.

The Church must reassure them they still belong to her as active members, and that they should experience her as a healing and helping community. As some prominent German bishops stated some years ago, Canon Law is, after all a tool to set up only a valid general order; it cannot regulate all the often complex individual cases.

My next article will focus on a plurality of options which common-law partners and the divorced and remarried may wish to consider with regard to their admission to the Eucharist.

Frank Muscat, MA, Ph.Lic., S.Th.Lic., CQSW, is a former member of the Inner and North London Panel of Guardians ad Litem and Reporting Officers and a former member of the Law Society Child Care Panel. He worked in the High Court and in the Family Proceedings Court in London. He also worked in the Ecumenical Chaplaincy of Queen Mary College, University of London. From 1996 to 1998, he was chairman of the Children and Young Persons Advisory Board in Malta. He has also been a family counsellor and an assistant of the Juvenile Court since 1996.

Jean-Luc Portelli is a 17-year-old student at St Aloysius' College Sixth Form, and enjoys drawing as a hobby. The grandson of the late artist Frank Portelli, he was commissioned especially to draw the illustrations accompanying this series.

You can see more of his work on http://beam.to/chocolatefox/ or contact him at jean-luc@portellimalta.net