The Customer Abuse Column

Hi there, whingers,

Yes it's me, back with a postbag chock-full of your depressing little gripes. Honestly, you'd think people had better things to do other than moan incessantly about the trivial, infinitesimal minor irritants, that are part and parcel of life... for goodness' sake!

There, I've had my little whine. Does you good to get it off your chest occasionally, doesn't it? Anyway, here's a prime example of the sort of nit-picking some people indulge in:

Dear Sir,
Two years ago, my wife and I purchased a des res in Maghtab (You can guess what's coming, can't you?... AGS) it was our dream home. A beautifully restored farmhouse, with enough land for a pool and a herd of pigs.

Ideal, you may think? (Oh no, otherwise you wouldn't be writing to me... plonker... AGS). It was about six months ago that things started to go pear-shaped... literally. I suppose I first began to notice a distinct alteration in my wife's contours around about Christmas. I'm not entirely sure what variety of pear she was fast resembling, but she was definitely pearing-up.

This I could have tolerated, if her altered physique had not also been accompanied by a definite change in skin colour. My wife was turning bright turquoise! And, as if that were not enough, she has since started to grow a third leg!

And now our pet dog has begun acting strangely. He has lost all his fur, grown scales and taken to lying, totally submerged, in the fishpond for days on end. His diet has also changed, from pedigree chum to pedigree pigs.

Do you think that the fact that we are living in the lee, and directly downwind of the Maghtab dump, has anything to do with these strange events?

I answered thus:
What strange events are you talking about? It all seems perfectly normal to me. Regarding your wife: turquoise is a very fashionable colour... Be grateful it wasn't canary yellow. And as for her growing a third leg... Oh please! That's not a leg! You have obviously married a bloke.

In the case of the dog. It has plainly metamorphosed into a crocodile. This is not unusual in dogs that have been heavily inbred.

And to answer your last question: No, idiot! The events you describe have nothing whatsoever to do with the Maghtab dump. On the contrary, it's health-giving, life-enhancing properties have been known to successive governments for some years.

Here's another beauty:

Dear capped crusader (How did he know I'd just had my teeth fixed?),

I've been reading a lot in the press lately about contraband TV sets. And... I think I may have bought one. I'm definitely not happy with it.

After purchasing it, I brought it home, plugged it in and switched on. I have to say, I've never seen a worse picture. Knob-twiddling didn't help. The picture remained terrible. In fact, there was no picture at all. Then... when I looked in the back, there were no works. My new TV was completely empty (But not as completely empty as your head, ***hole... AGS). Do you think I am the victim of fraud?

Not at all. I have sold many such sets to hundreds of satisfied customers. That was not a switching-on and watching set. That was a: "Look I've got more TVs than you've got" set. Enjoy!

On a positive note:

It's good to see problems resolved. Or nearly resolved...

You may recall Mr JG of Paola complained to me some weeks ago, about a packet of crisps from Nibbly Foods of San Gwann. JG claimed that all the crisps in the packet were soggy.

After my intercession, Nibbly Foods graciously admitted responsibility and sent JG no fewer than three packets of crisps gratis, as a sign of goodwill.

JG, however, is now complaining that the crisps in all three of these packets were also soggy!

For goodness' sake, man! What do you expect? They were bloody free! Your ingratitude is staggering.

P.S. What do you think of the new byline photo of me, at the top of the page? My wife thinks it makes me look shifty.

Shifty, moi?