With its whirlwind of social and business occasions, the festive season can be a minefield for manners, as we all feel a little more pressured than usual. Finesse Consulta’s etiquette consultant Jo Caruana offers some tips and advice to keep you on the right side of Santa’s naughty-or-nice list

I often hear from clients that the festive season makes them anxious. And I’m not only talking about the emotional anxiety that people feel at this time of year, but the pressure of the expectations that are put upon us – from the need to act a certain way, to the requirement to fit everything into our schedule, and the need to perfectly play the role of host or guest on umpteen occasions.

The good news is that there is plenty you can do to ease this anxiety, and to give yourself the tools to take control of the situation – rather than feel like a victim of it.

As etiquette always teaches, the golden rule is simply to treat others as you would like to be treated – and once you keep that in mind, everything else seems to feel that little bit easier.

Being a great guest

Getting invited to people’s homes it a stalwart of the festive season, and a wonderful part of it too.

If someone has taken the time to invite you over, then the first thing to do is to let them know whether you can make it. Yes, we know you have lots of things going on, but a ‘maybe’ RSVP isn’t ideal, as your host will no doubt want to cater for you, which requires them to definitively know whether or not you will be attending. So, be sure to reply via the official channel (whether it is post, e-mail, or even WhatsApp) and advise them as soon as possible.

When it comes to attending, try to be as self-aware as possible. Your role as a guest at anyone’s event is to be great company, so ready yourself to be able to be just that. Is there anything your host should know that could affect them on the day (such as your allergy to shellfish or vegetarian dietary preferences)? Is there a dress code or theme you have been asked to adhere to? Were you asked to bring along nibbles or dessert? It helps to both know what your host is expecting, and to be upfront about anything you’d like them to know, as this avoids embarrassment on the day.

Finally, when you do attend, be as pleasant as possible. You’re there because the host wants you to be there and to have a nice time, so this is not the ideal opportunity to pick an argument with another guest, bring up a contentious topic, sit grumpily in the corner complaining about how difficult it was to park on their street, or point out that you don’t like any of the food on their menu. Let it go, even if just for today.

Great guests have positive conversations, say please and thank you, compliment the host on their home and food, offer to lend a hand, arrive and leave in a timely manner, and bring a gift (unless expressly told not it).

Then, once the event is over, remember to send a personalised thank you note (bonus points if this is sent by post or hand delivered) or message, and to point out something in particular that you really enjoyed – such as the starter, or their flower arrangements. Get the right, and you’ll definitely be invited back next year

Being a great host

If you have decided to hold an event over the festive season, then your primary aim is probably to ensure your guests have a great time.

In the run up to your event, and on the night, your priority should be ensuring that your guests are as well taken care of as possible – but this doesn’t mean that you should stress over every tiny detail. As the old adage goes, people mostly remember how you made them feel (and not whether or not your table settings were pristine or the crib display award-winning), so focus on that and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Start by having the awareness that the Christmas season is busy for everyone, so it is polite to give your guests ample notice when you invite them. Understand if they have a prior engagement and let them know if they are welcome to pop by briefly, or if you’d rather they only came if they can attend the whole thing.

Try to give them as much information as possible so they will feel comfortable on the day. Ask them in advance if they have any dietary requirements you should be aware of (both so you can plan accordingly, and so they don’t feel left out on the day) and inform them about the dress code or theme if there is one. Also let them know about the parking situation near your venue, so they can be suitably warned if they need to leave ample time hunting for a spot.  On the day, ensure you are as prepared as possible, because – once that door bell rings – it’s all going to get a bit manic. This is not the time to be chopping veg, choosing the soundtrack or selecting the wine – that should all have been managed beforehand, so that you can be as calm as possible in the moment. After all, if you’ve invited these guests over, it’s probably because you want to enjoy their company, so don’t risk jeopardising that by being unprepared.

If you need help in advance, ask for it or even considering hiring an extra pair of hands – this is your night and you want to be able to enjoy it! Oh, and if someone does offer help on the night and you would like to take them up on the offer, do! Most guests are happy to help. Give them a single task and then thank them. Then, make great conversation, keep the music playing, top up the drinks, ensure everyone is being looked after, and relax.