Never look a gift horse in the mouth? Hmm. Owning a horse can easily set you back €15,000 or more a year. Maltese balconies are not dissimilar. They’re gorgeous, but – let’s face it – a financial drain. A never-ending saga of problems and maintenance.

And while I appreciate their charm and am all for their restoration and preservation, I find it rather odd that the Planning Authority would insist on new ones in planning applications.

I hope I’ve got that down right. I have heard of instances where development permits are subject to the inclusion and construction of Maltese balconies on facades.

The block where I live is apparently one such building. It’s a modern block of apartments where white PVC apertures and wrought-iron fixtures coexist quite peacefully with traditional wooden Maltese balconies. And although the facade is definitely easy on the eye, my own feeling is that it would be just as attractive minus the balconies. In fact, the building might even look smarter by being more streamlined and less top-heavy.

Now, even if we agree that the Planning Authority has its heart (and soul) in the right place and is merely trying to keep Maltese heritage alive, there is definitely an argument against such a requirement for modern buildings, especially when we take into account that, since 2017, the authority itself has coughed up roughly €27 million to help with restoration of facades. That’s a lot of money.

The Irrestawra Darek scheme allows UCA and scheduled homeowners to benefit from a one-time refund of €11,000. The catch is that the building must be over 50 years old. Which begs the question: Why? Why would an authority create and perpetuate ownership of a property that it knows is a source of financial hardship and then leave owners in the lurch for the next 50 years?

And, let’s be honest, even among those who are eligible, it’s touted as a joke. Whenever the scheme opens, the online system crashes. There’s also the feeling that, as with most things in this country, the playing field is desperately uneven. Since the recent benefits scandal, I’m pretty sure we are all looking at our ‘tax-deducted’ payslips differently, wondering whose ‘epilepsy’ we are financing. 

Back to balconies. Perhaps not the most riveting of subjects until you’re desperate to restore one and realise that, on top of not being eligible for assistance, you’re actually being systemically hindered. That happens when you’ve finally managed to find someone reasonably competent who has actually agreed to do the job (few people do) and it dawns on you that you will then need to find a similarly willing and able scaffolding service – another eye-watering expense.

Getting two separate contractors to synchronise their efforts is never easy and neither is the three-month summer ‘window’ of reliable weather. But the living is anything but easy in a Maltese summer, especially when you happen to live in Sliema or St Julian’s and have to battle with local council officialdom.  

Verbal confirmation there was. I was assured there would be no problem with scaffolding at the end of July. So, everything was booked. Completion within two weeks. No complications and no additional expense for work interrupted during Santa Maria – that most sacred of times.  

So, imagine my shock when, 48 hours before work was due to begin, I visited the local council to pay for the permit and was told that it couldn’t now go ahead. Picture a sink full of dishwater, pulling the plug and watching the swirling vortex circling the drain.

Why is it that some local councils don’t charge you a cent for scaffolding while others, like the St Julian’s council, do?- Michela Spiteri

I felt like Nina Proudman (Offspring) in mental tailspin, imagination in overdrive and all control lost. A parliamentary motion for a public inquiry had recently been defeated, so my imagination was running wilder than normal.

Especially when I was deigned an explanation. “You are not allowed to erect scaffolding during the last week of July because of the Balluta feast. Youngsters may be tempted to climb it and hurt themselves.”

What the actual f ***??!!

Back in Nina mode, I suddenly had a mental picture of one of my rotten wooden apertures flying off its hinges and killing an expectant mother and her toddler below. I imagined being hauled to court on multiple counts of involuntary homicide, repeated calls for a public inquiry, while the archbishop and Balluta parish priest delivered their respective sermons on this tragic death, berating greedy developers who settle for shoddy workmanship.

Of course, clinging to hope, you try reasoning with the council: the scaffolding is on a pavement and will not interfere with traffic, parking or any conceivable kind of ‘march’. You point out that, less than 50 metres away, there is a scaffolding which has been there for the last three years and will certainly not be dismantled for the feast.

Doesn’t that one pose a danger to feckless youths? It is then you are told that this has been decided from on high by Transport Malta and the parish. 

You try your luck with the former but, of course, your call is not important to Transport Malta. Perhaps they’re too busy dealing with pressure from ministries to dish out illicit driving licences.

Stopping crucial works from being carried out is not only hugely irresponsible and high-handed but also an additional financial burden on restoration works that are ultimately a service to the community, the Planning Authority, the government and, yes, Maltese taxpayers. Basic restoration of four Maltese balconies sets you back a cool €15,000 and that doesn’t include local council fees – you are charged per day and per square metre.

A job that was meant to take two weeks took an entire month and double the amount payable to the council. Incidentally, why is it that some local councils don’t charge you a cent for scaffolding while others, like the St Julian’s council, do? If the government wants to encourage homeowners to restore their facades, the last thing it ought to be doing is taxing restoration and discriminating between different localities.