I  rarely do it but I’ve ill-advisedly been scrolling through article comments today. I’ve been following the current, tragically horrific case regarding the murder of Rita Ellul and I ended up going down a rabbit hole of well wishes, racist rants and everything in between.

There was one question that stood out for me though: “Why did Paulina Dembska’s murder appear to get more attention?” I’ve sat with this question for about half an hour now and I feel that it is vital we talk about it.

There aren’t very many people who will touch the subject of domestic violence. Most of our laws and regulations are based on the premise that people will marry and stay married whether they are happy or not. This belief in staying together through the bad times and even worse is so prevalent in our society that even members of those who are there to serve and protect have allegedly told people who are being abused to return to their homes after they have bravely gone to report their perpetrators.

Anyone who has had to deal with victims of domestic violence will be able to sit with you for hours and tell you how our laws remain lacking and how hard it still is to get real protection. The situation is even worse and gets even more complicated when children are involved.

People don’t speak out because they feel there are no structures to support them, that their safety is at stake and because they don’t want to feel the further shame of being ostracised by a close-knit community that doesn’t believe in airing dirty laundry.

There are a million reasons why people stay with their perpetrators and they need our kindness, patience and help, not our judgement

In a society where we buy the same car as our neighbour because we don’t want to feel different, being single or admitting that you can’t stay in a relationship for whatever reason is still deemed as a failure. You need a lot of strength, confidence and conviction to go against what is considered to be the norm.

According to media outlets, Ellul had filed two domestic violence police reports before she was allegedly strangled by her partner. She was clearly asking for help and, yet, despite this, her three children have woken up to a world where they can no longer reach out to touch their mother.

We have failed yet another person and I can’t help but wonder if part of the lesser attention that people are giving this case stems from the fact that many are still invested in a mentality that blames the abused for staying.

Dembska is more comfortable and palatable for people to rant about and defend because she didn’t know her perpetrator. She couldn’t have possibly “deserved her fate”.

I have said over and over again that we cannot move forward if the discourse that surrounds domestic violence does not change. It is sickening that this has to be repeated but no one asks to be beaten and violence is absolutely never something that can be earned. Being unable to leave your abuser is not a weakness: there are a million reasons why people stay with their perpetrators and they need our kindness, patience and help, not our judgement.

We need to get better at educating ourselves and others to create a society where, if we can’t prevent things from happening, we can, at least, give victims better tools to be able to feel more supported and less alone.

No one is free until we are all free.